He was aghast, told me that I was over reacting and that he'd told me there was no need for that. I said, "You also told me you weren't ever going to leave. You also promised to stay married for the rest of our lives. I'm sorry, your credibility is non-existent. I need to stay healthy for my own sake as well as for our son's. I'm not trusting my health to you."
Now. Truth dart? Too far?
I dunno.
But ... what I do know is that the message was received loud and clear: 1. you've damaged this relationship 2. I no longer trust you 3. I'm not going to put myself at risk for you.
Perfect use of a truth dart against a gaslighting attempt.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Continuing to focus on myself. Take space from W and give her more than she asks for. Not trying to show or convince or manipulate her of anything but being consistent and focused for me for who and where I need to be. Crossed paths with W at an event. Was relaxed, engaged in the event and oriented to self and others while projecting no ill will towards W. A girlfriend of hers (who is a friend of our family and understands a bit of our struggles but not in my inner circle) told me that W told her I looked good. I said “I feel good, smiled changed the subject.” I am dressing well and taking care of myself.
I am not being swung around uncontrollably with W’s behaviours or words anymore. Don’t get me wrong I am still feeling lots. And processing. My physical fitness has begun a nice up trend again after a plateau and loss of some gains/backwards steps. Engaging in therapy.
Continuing to focus on myself. Take space from W and give her more than she asks for. Not trying to show or convince or manipulate her of anything but being consistent and focused for me for who and where I need to be. Crossed paths with W at an event. Was relaxed, engaged in the event and oriented to self and others while projecting no ill will towards W. A girlfriend of hers (who is a friend of our family and understands a bit of our struggles but not in my inner circle) told me that W told her I looked good. I said “I feel good, smiled changed the subject.” I am dressing well and taking care of myself.
I am not being swung around uncontrollably with W’s behaviours or words anymore. Don’t get me wrong I am still feeling lots. And processing. My physical fitness has begun a nice up trend again after a plateau and loss of some gains/backwards steps. Engaging in therapy.
So Rock do you have ill will towards your W? If you do ( which you should) and you don’t show it that’s considered manipulation. Look I get why you’re doing what you’re doing act as if etc you are following the DB instructions. It’s exhausting isn’t it? To me if her having a BF doesn’t work for you then you should have zero problem letting her know it.
Detachment is nice DnJ but it isn’t easy and I’m not there all the time and certainly get sucked back into the vortex tag times but recognizing it and limiting the carnage to myself. Also recognizing that I am very early in the healing time frame with hurts still fresh and ongoing.
So Rock do you have ill will towards your W? If you do ( which you should) and you don’t show it that’s considered manipulation. Look I get why you’re doing what you’re doing act as if etc you are following the DB instructions. It’s exhausting isn’t it? To me if her having a BF doesn’t work for you then you should have zero problem letting her know it.
This is one of the 180's nice guys need to learn.
If you have forgiven W, then great. Most can't forgive that quickly, and they do it wrong anyway and for the wrong reasons. I am still working on it and it's been over 10 years....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I do experience ill will, dark thoughts and temptation to seek retribution, judgment etc towards W, especially towards OM and at times directed at myself. I encounter temptations to act out. But these things are not what I want nor where I want to go.
It is exhausting for sure! Her having a BF certainly does not work for me and she knows. I have made that clear and in my estimation I don’t have anything more to say to her at this stage. That behaviour does not have my support or endorsement.
I have asked God to forgive her and bring about his work. I have benefited from much grace and forgiveness and patience from God and others in my life. I have asked Him to help me not stand in a place of judgment as God but for me to follow what He is presenting me with. I am still working on it and actually I am avoiding engagement with her and trying not to say much of anything at this point (24-48 hr rule) and allowing my heart and mind time and space to process and heal.
I do experience ill will, dark thoughts and temptation to seek retribution, judgment etc towards W, especially towards OM and at times directed at myself. I encounter temptations to act out. But these things are not what I want nor where I want to go.
It is exhausting for sure! Her having a BF certainly does not work for me and she knows. I have made that clear and in my estimation I don’t have anything more to say to her at this stage. That behaviour does not have my support or endorsement.
Well if she knows then she doesn’t care what you feel about it or knows you would do anything about it. What does this say about the person you are trying so desperately to keep in your life? Remember respect equals attraction disrespect equals repulsion.
