Divorce immediately after marriage

[BL42]

TellMeSo,

Dinner went well.

When you say "went well"...what exactly do you mean in terms of your goal? Did you truly go in with no expectations? Because if you think it's going to help W want to get back together with you, unfortunately you're likely going to be let down.

I was always positive and shining

Good!

she was showing positive emotions as well. We even laughed a couple of times, discussed memories and briefly touched our relationship.

So this doesn't come across to me as . Seems somewhat common for WAS/WSs to engage in a bit of nostalgia, reminiscing on memories or joking/laughing to lighten the mood. Doesn't mean she wants to get back with you.

She even agreed and confirmed that all of our problems could be fixed. But she is not willing to put in the effort / she is afraid that nothing will change.

This is SUPER common. When you say "even agreed" it comes across to me you were trying to logic her back and she agreed with you on something. That's not going to help your cause.

Believe her when she says she's not willing to put in the effort and doesn't believe anything will change. She is telling you the truth here. She is saying there's no way in her mind she'd come back. Of course maybe she'll change that feeling over time, but right now it's real.

My ExW told me on BD she had no energy to even try. I was dumbfounded because what was so bad? Two young kids, nice home, good careers, great family support and friends...etc. We had disagreements, but rarely fought. What is it we couldn't fix with a little counseling? Especially with young kids. But I should've taken her statement to heart and believed her she was unwilling to even try. ExW even said "you're changing if only I had said something a few years ago, but we'll never know how you would've reacted". This is not a sign of her being open to you; quite the opposite.

Now, this week is complete opposite. I called her once and she was angry and mad at me.

Why did you call her? You don't have kids. Was there an emergency? Likely not. We're recommending you give her more space than she wants. Does calling her align with that advice?

Even in our small communication I felt her want to push me as far away as possible. I could say that her voice tone, words and actions changed dramatically since last week.

Very possible she's trying to push you away more after being too nice and drawing you in with dinner. It's common for WAS/WS to give hope but not really mean it and then be even nastier afterwards as a way to make it clear to the LBS they don't want to get back together, despite the "nice dinner".

Sometimes she is asking how I am doing with curious and deep questions

How are you responding to the deep questions? Are you being light, and fun, and positive and mysterious? Or are you engagement in deep answers trying to show her you care? Hopefully the former.

These days I am just trying to be positive and maintain calm in our communication.

You should be limiting conversations, and focusing on your own life and having fun without her.

She seems sad and completely tired of everything. At first it was only me, now she is saying similar things about her job as well.

Perhaps she just wants to "quit" her current life and build a better tomorrow.

Very possible. You've only been together 5 years and are newly married. Unless you've been abusive or something major it's likely much more about her than you.

TellMeSo - Don't mean to be harsh above, just trying to give you a honest assessment. So without kids and fresh into a marriage in which she's already backing out...what do you fear about divorce?

[TellMeSo]

BL42,

When you say "went well"...what exactly do you mean in terms of your goal? Did you truly go in with no expectations? Because if you think it's going to help W want to get back together with you, unfortunately you're likely going to be let down.

Yeah, I went with no expectations. By "went well", I mean it was a positive and warm evening. No arguing, no negative feelings towards one another or similar things.

So this doesn't come across to me as . Seems somewhat common for WAS/WSs to engage in a bit of nostalgia, reminiscing on memories or joking/laughing to lighten the mood. Doesn't mean she wants to get back with you.

Most likely true. Just this was one of the first instances of it in a while.

This is SUPER common. When you say "even agreed" it comes across to me you were trying to logic her back and she agreed with you on something. That's not going to help your cause.

Believe her when she says she's not willing to put in the effort and doesn't believe anything will change. She is telling you the truth here. She is saying there's no way in her mind she'd come back. Of course maybe she'll change that feeling over time, but right now it's real.

My ExW told me on BD she had no energy to even try. I was dumbfounded because what was so bad? Two young kids, nice home, good careers, great family support and friends...etc. We had disagreements, but rarely fought. What is it we couldn't fix with a little counseling? Especially with young kids. But I should've taken her statement to heart and believed her she was unwilling to even try. ExW even said "you're changing if only I had said something a few years ago, but we'll never know how you would've reacted". This is not a sign of her being open to you; quite the opposite.

I am not arguing against her current beliefs. Validating it a lot. Those agreements were not really done after some convincing from my side. It was actually coming from both sides mutually once we realised it was nice to talk in this warm way and validate each other. She herself even apologized for the first time for this situation. To me it truly seemed that she also knows to fix this, but simply does not believe it or have the willpower to work on it.

Could you explore the last sentence about it being opposite? Since she was mostly silent for a long time, I think anything she says openly is being open to me. Even if it hurts me.

Very possible she's trying to push you away more after being too nice and drawing you in with dinner. It's common for WAS/WS to give hope but not really mean it and then be even nastier afterwards as a way to make it clear to the LBS they don't want to get back together, despite the "nice dinner".

What is the point for them to be too nice and draw another person in? Selfish need for validation?

How are you responding to the deep questions? Are you being light, and fun, and positive and mysterious? Or are you engagement in deep answers trying to show her you care? Hopefully the former.

I am quite chill about the answers and not disclosing too many details.

Very possible. You've only been together 5 years and are newly married. Unless you've been abusive or something major it's likely much more about her than you.

TellMeSo - Don't mean to be harsh above, just trying to give you a honest assessment. So without kids and fresh into a marriage in which she's already backing out...what do you fear about divorce?

It is definitely about her. I do not actually fear the divorce, although it would be sad for our relationship to end in such way.

This is mostly related to how I was raised. I was raised not to just simply abandon relationships and work on them. My therapist, our mutual friends can definitely see that there are way more negative things in her life apart from our situation. I do not want to give up on her and us so easily. This does not mean that I intend on changing her position, I am just living my life right now and waiting to see if she will take any actual initiative on filling for divorce. There is no rush from my side as I do not feel tremendous pain anymore and have huge career and travel plans for the next 2-4 months.

Even before this situation, I was busy with my life. Now it is on another level.

[TellMeSo]

That is my fear as well. Most new posters do not make the right changes fast enough. They also do not keep the changes. They are making changes to manipulate their spouse.

One change that I strongly suggest is to not let her emotional state effect yours. You seem to be focused on her fluctuating state. 180 and do not worry about her emotional state. Let her be however she needs to be. You be content 100% of the time.

There is two changes that I want to do - improve listening/validating and being more organized in home. I am making these for myself and have been heavily focusing on them for the last 4 months (even before she left).

Completely not caring about her would deviate from my core beliefs. Although, her emotional state is affecting me less and less. For example, the last time she was mad at me I was completely calm talking back to her. I am just keeping my care and emotions for myself.

[Ready2Change]

Completely not caring about her would deviate from my core beliefs.

No one said anything about not caring about her.

The last time she was mad at me I was completely calm talking back to her. I am just keeping my care and emotions for myself.

Yes. This how to be always when interacting with her.


I Would also focus on not taking blame for her emotions.

The last time she was mad at me I was completely calm talking back to her. I am just keeping my care and emotions for myself.

Her emotions are hers. Calmly accept them. You can acknowledge them. "You sound frustrated" etc..Everything in the validation thread. During this phase, I would not even verbally share your emotional state with her. Everything is amazing in my life right now is what you should be projecting to her.

[TellMeSo]

Her emotions are hers. Calmly accept them. You can acknowledge them. "You sound frustrated" etc..Everything in the validation thread. During this phase, I would not even verbally share your emotional state with her. Everything is amazing in my life right now is what you should be projecting to her.

Thank you, this is gold.. When would you say it would be good to open? Once she comes trying to discuss it herself?

My aim for the next few weeks is to be completely off the radar. Giving her maximum space.

[BL42]

When you say "went well"...what exactly do you mean in terms of your goal? Did you truly go in with no expectations? Because if you think it's going to help W want to get back together with you, unfortunately you're likely going to be let down.

Yeah, I went with no expectations. By "went well", I mean it was a positive and warm evening. No arguing, no negative feelings towards one another or similar things.

Sounds friendly. Do you want her as a friend or a wife?

To me it truly seemed that she also knows to fix this, but simply does not believe it or have the willpower to work on it.

Unless there are "major" issues, most relationships can be fixed if both parties work on it. The key here is she has no desire to work on it.

Could you explore the last sentence about it being opposite? Since she was mostly silent for a long time, I think anything she says openly is being open to me. Even if it hurts me.

What I was saying is it bewildered me that my then-W with a 4yo and 1yo, nice house, good jobs, great friends and family...etc. would not have the "energy" or "desire" to even work on our marriage on BD. I didn't really understand it; it didn't make sense to me. she even said we'll never know what would've happened if she'd spoken up years ago. My "opposite" point is your W saying she thinks it could be fixed but doesn't have the willpower to do it is NOT a good sign...if she has no desire to work on your R, she's done....even if things "weren't too bad".

Very possible she's trying to push you away more after being too nice and drawing you in with dinner. It's common for WAS/WS to give hope but not really mean it and then be even nastier afterwards as a way to make it clear to the LBS they don't want to get back together, despite the "nice dinner".

What is the point for them to be too nice and draw another person in? Selfish need for validation?

Could be a number of things...keep you on the hook in case OM doesn't work out, a desire to keep the D "nice" and "stay friends"...etc. But then they are nice and worry they gave you hope and are nasty to you again to push you away and make it clear they won't work on it.

How are you responding to the deep questions? Are you being light, and fun, and positive and mysterious? Or are you engagement in deep answers trying to show her you care? Hopefully the former.

I am quite chill about the answers and not disclosing too many details.

Good.

I was raised not to just simply abandon relationships and work on them.

Same here. The thing is...unfortunately it's not your choice, it's hers.

My therapist, our mutual friends can definitely see that there are way more negative things in her life apart from our situation.

Such as?

I do not want to give up on her and us so easily.

You can only control you. Work on accepting the things that are not within your control.

This does not mean that I intend on changing her position, I am just living my life right now and waiting to see if she will take any actual initiative on filling for divorce.

That's good. Get busy living your life even better than before.

[TellMeSo]

My therapist, our mutual friends can definitely see that there are way more negative things in her life apart from our situation.

Such as?

It's hard to tell but one can visibly see that she is tired and somewhat depressed. This situation, high stress at work, no hobbies or outside activities. At first only I was the "problem", now she clearly indicates that other things even the weather is irritating her.

Again, sometimes it seems that she just wants to reset her whole life.

[TellMeSo]

Has anyone had experience where W said that she is feeling psychological pressure?

I received this remark at times when she was mad. I am reconsidering it for myself. Any good ideas how to analyze if I truly put pressure on people and should improve this aspect of my life, or this is only her valid feelings/justification of herself/other reasons?

Thank you.

[Ready2Change]

Her emotions are hers. Calmly accept them. You can acknowledge them. "You sound frustrated" etc..Everything in the validation thread. During this phase, I would not even verbally share your emotional state with her. Everything is amazing in my life right now is what you should be projecting to her.

When would you say it would be good to open? Once she comes trying to discuss it herself?

Once you are deep into piecing. That is way in the future.

The key is getting yourself to that amazing life. Not faking it, but really doing it, without her. Most here go too slow or pretend.

[Ready2Change]

Has anyone had experience were W said that she is feeling psychological pressure?

I received this remark at times when she was mad. I am reconsidering it for myself. Any good ideas how to analyze if I truly put pressure on people and should improve this aspect of my life, or this is only her valid feelings/justification of herself/other reasons?

Thank you.

Psychological pressure is a psychic sensation. In fact, it’s the product of two mental forces that are pulling in opposite directions.-The Four Types of Psychological Pressure(positive,negative,internal,exterior)

After doing a quick search on the term, I would think you can dig into it a little deeper and see if you can make improvements to your behavior.

Also interesting, when I was typing into the search box, one of the suggestions also had "and manipulation" appended on the end.