Newbie and needing help please

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

I see you’ve already met a couple of the fellow posters here. As I’m sure you realized trawling around for a couple of weeks, there are many kind and compassionate folks here with much hard-earned wisdom. Folks from all over the world, with differing backgrounds and stories and situations; and along different points on their respective journeys. That volume of viewpoints is the heart and strength of this place.

A lot of the advice and suggestion you will receive will be counterintuitive (at first). It will sound wrong. It will seem like the incorrect way of behaving. We are programmed to react and grab and run after, when things are being unwillingly pulled away from us. One of everyone’s first and biggest battles is getting a handle on themselves.

Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy yet? If not, get one. And read it cover to cover.

DR is your playbook. Your resource. Do not share it, or tell H about it. He will likely react poorly. Most troubled spouses will see such a resource as an attempt at manipulating them or coercing them back; not seeing the sincere desire to save your marriage.

That is the same for this site. Ensure you clear the browser history and cache from the home computer. Logging in by phone of other portable device does provide more privacy, being more personal. Very few couples share a phone. A phone is a ubiquitous extension of people nowadays. I’d recommend changing your passwords to ensure the sensitive details your share here, and strategies and wisdom of the board between you and “us”.

One of the first steps in DR is the Beginner’s Mind. We all become experts of our lives as the years passed by. You are in your fifties and lived many experiences and have much wisdom. You are an expert of your life. And like any expert, we get focused and narrow our view.

Everyone sees and interprets the world and events through their own lens. We colour everything with our experiences and sum of our lives thus far. Thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, convictions, prejudices, biases, hopes, dreams, fears, and so on; all colour our view of things.

Work to find your beginner’s mind in all this.

I'm terrified of losing him, I feel so anxious. I'm second guessing his every move and presuming the worst.

A beginner’s mind, one not predisposed and presumed and expecting the worst outcome. A mind and outlook of what is possible.

For near anything is possible. I sincerely believe that. And hope lives within the possibilities. And nothing kills hope better than expectations and timelines/deadlines.

The first step along the counterintuitive path.

Be clear, the path is not some false hope stuck in denial. Nor is it a guarantee of a successful saving and reconciliation of your marriage.

This path will absolutely save you, and will provide you your best chance at saving your marriage.

I'm frightened of giving him space because I've been distant and aloof for years snd I think this is what's driven him away. I think there's a chance of us reconciling but if I try to talk about it, he gets backed into a corner and refuses.

One of the tenets of divorce busting - do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

You can attempt something and see what happens. Fear not, no one things you do or don’t do is going to fix or destroy this situation. However, repeating attempts that garnered negative results does and will push H away.

From what you’ve seen, talking to H about the relationship backs him into the corner and he just shuts down. So, stop that behaviour for now.

Yes, for now. Like I said, you can attempt anything. And when/if you get a non-positive result do not try again for a good long while. There will come a time when talking about R will garner positive response, but that will not be for a while. Be patient. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

In DR, read the part of a solution journal. Building such a written and thought out guide really brings to the fore what you have attempted and what is working. And by the way, things are working in your situation. There are many positives. H is still there.

I've trawled the forums for 2 weeks and got the courage to post. It scares me that a lot of the posts seem to be about surviving divorce.

Everyone is along different points in their path. Most posters who reconcile understandably do not remain here.

Surviving a divorce, or pending divorce, or potential divorce is and will be discussed. It has to be. You need true accurate information to form and base your decisions and actions upon.

Presently, in For Newcomers there are quite a few hopeful situations of solid divorce busting ongoing. Realize, no one can see all ends, nor guarantee what will happen. The most one can do is play the cards they were dealt, grow, learn, and become the best version of themselves.

Right now, just breathe. Focus on you. And work towards detachment.

You have the gift of time.

Dig for patience.

I look forward to speaking with you again.

D