Newbie and needing help please

[BL42]

MA1970,

My heart is breaking. Been married for 20 years, both in early 50's, 2 teenagers.

That's a long history. Sorry about your situation, but we're here to help.

H has been distant for a couple of months coinciding with a night out where he didn't come home (never done that).

Did you address what happened that night? Quite an elephant in the room if it happened out of nowhere.

This is my fault, I just stopped bothering & thought I could get away with it.

What do you mean "get away with it"? Why were you avoiding? Why did you not want to be intimate with him?

I've realised over the past two weeks that I've been pretty horrible to live with.

Time to change that. Don't be horrible, starting...now.

Not giving him any positives, saying I love you but my actions don't correlate.

But also don't become a super loving woman out of the blue now that he's behaving badly. Don't reward the bad behavior.

I challenged him a few weeks ago about being distant,

Ok, you asked once...now don't keep calling him out on it.

he'd also turned off his tracker (whole family is on the app) and taken away my access to his work rota (he does shifts).

He's being sneaky and deceitful, so...

I asked if he had someone else and he said no.

He's almost certainly lying to you. Sorry.

He said he didn't think we could change & he also said he no longer looked at me in a sexual way. He was cold.

He's being honest with you here...doesn't mean that can't change over time.

I begged, cajoled, blackmailed, cried etc etc, basically all the things I've now learned I shouldn't do.

Right. You did that. So did so many others here. Now time to stop that weak behavior ASAP. You need to completely flip your attitude and behavior to be totally happy and strong about what's going on and excited at the prospect of your freedom. If you can truly do that he may just start to wonder why. Fake it at first until you really feel that way.

I'm terrified of losing him, I feel so anxious.

I certainly understand feeling that way, but you need to know you're going to be alright no matter what. The faster you truly believe that the better you'll feel and more attractive you'll be.

We still live together although in separate bedrooms.

When and how did that start?

I've been crying this weekend

Try to do this on your own time; don't weap in front of him. You want to project a strong, happy mindset.

and not been able to eat

It's incredibly common for the LBS to lose 20-30lbs after BD. Start exercising, eating healthier. While you're losing the weight gain the muscle tone. THAT will make you more confident and more attractive.

when I asked for a hug laying down (fully clothed) he did straight away.

Stopping asking for things like that. Instead, focus your energy on becoming some attractive he'll want to on his own.

I heard him crying in the spare bedroom this weekend.

Don't worry about what he's doing. Get busy on yourself.

I dont know if he's shut off for self preservation, or because he's been (& still is) with another woman, or he's having a midlife crisis?

All of the above?

I'm frightened of giving him space because I've been distant and aloof for years snd I think this is what's driven him away.

Pressuring and pursuing is NOT going to fix this...even if you were distant and aloof for years.

I think there's a chance of us reconciling but if I try to talk about it, he gets backed into a corner and refuses.

The #1 rule here is no R talks. Do not back him into a corner and ask about R'ing. He needs to feel free. Start moving the other direction and make him wonder what is going on.

I still think there is someone else

I hate to say this because I know it hurts, but you're almost certainly right there.

but he's sleeping at our house & he doesn't go on any regular nights out.

You'd be amazed at the stories of how affairs are pulled off...even when "every minute was accounted for".

This is all my fault

It is NOT all your fault. You played a part for sure, just like everyone else (no ones perfect), but he's the one who is cheating. Don't let him off the hook for his cut.

I've trawled the forums for 2 weeks and got the courage to post.

Glad you built up the courage. Posting here and hearing others' feedback and advice and even just any response at all helped me quite a bit. I think it'll help you too. But you get back what you put in so you have to stay at it and keep posting and heed the advice. Many folks post for a month or two and then fall off. This is going to be a long process. Dig in. You'll get through this.

It scares me that a lot of the posts seem to be about surviving divorce.

I understand that. Unfortunately the reality is many of the stories here the marriages are so far gone and aren't saved. But there are marriage successes, and more importantly even when the marriages aren't saved the individuals heal and make their lives better.