When you say "went well"...what exactly do you mean in terms of your goal? Did you truly go in with no expectations? Because if you think it's going to help W want to get back together with you, unfortunately you're likely going to be let down.
Yeah, I went with no expectations. By "went well", I mean it was a positive and warm evening. No arguing, no negative feelings towards one another or similar things.
Originally Posted by BL42
So this doesn't come across to me as . Seems somewhat common for WAS/WSs to engage in a bit of nostalgia, reminiscing on memories or joking/laughing to lighten the mood. Doesn't mean she wants to get back with you.
Most likely true. Just this was one of the first instances of it in a while.
Originally Posted by BL42
This is SUPER common. When you say "even agreed" it comes across to me you were trying to logic her back and she agreed with you on something. That's not going to help your cause.
Believe her when she says she's not willing to put in the effort and doesn't believe anything will change. She is telling you the truth here. She is saying there's no way in her mind she'd come back. Of course maybe she'll change that feeling over time, but right now it's real.
My ExW told me on BD she had no energy to even try. I was dumbfounded because what was so bad? Two young kids, nice home, good careers, great family support and friends...etc. We had disagreements, but rarely fought. What is it we couldn't fix with a little counseling? Especially with young kids. But I should've taken her statement to heart and believed her she was unwilling to even try. ExW even said "you're changing if only I had said something a few years ago, but we'll never know how you would've reacted". This is not a sign of her being open to you; quite the opposite.
I am not arguing against her current beliefs. Validating it a lot. Those agreements were not really done after some convincing from my side. It was actually coming from both sides mutually once we realised it was nice to talk in this warm way and validate each other. She herself even apologized for the first time for this situation. To me it truly seemed that she also knows to fix this, but simply does not believe it or have the willpower to work on it.
Could you explore the last sentence about it being opposite? Since she was mostly silent for a long time, I think anything she says openly is being open to me. Even if it hurts me.
Originally Posted by BL42
Very possible she's trying to push you away more after being too nice and drawing you in with dinner. It's common for WAS/WS to give hope but not really mean it and then be even nastier afterwards as a way to make it clear to the LBS they don't want to get back together, despite the "nice dinner".
What is the point for them to be too nice and draw another person in? Selfish need for validation?
Originally Posted by BL42
How are you responding to the deep questions? Are you being light, and fun, and positive and mysterious? Or are you engagement in deep answers trying to show her you care? Hopefully the former.
I am quite chill about the answers and not disclosing too many details.
Originally Posted by BL42
Very possible. You've only been together 5 years and are newly married. Unless you've been abusive or something major it's likely much more about her than you.
TellMeSo - Don't mean to be harsh above, just trying to give you a honest assessment. So without kids and fresh into a marriage in which she's already backing out...what do you fear about divorce?
It is definitely about her. I do not actually fear the divorce, although it would be sad for our relationship to end in such way.
This is mostly related to how I was raised. I was raised not to just simply abandon relationships and work on them. My therapist, our mutual friends can definitely see that there are way more negative things in her life apart from our situation. I do not want to give up on her and us so easily. This does not mean that I intend on changing her position, I am just living my life right now and waiting to see if she will take any actual initiative on filling for divorce. There is no rush from my side as I do not feel tremendous pain anymore and have huge career and travel plans for the next 2-4 months.
Even before this situation, I was busy with my life. Now it is on another level.
