Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[Pack_19]

Hi all,

Thanks a lot for your words, coming here is always coming to a safe place and for more learning.

I am finally divorced. No excuses to move forward, no more thoughts about one person single-handed changing a R and no more thoughts of having ExW or my old family back. We signed last December. I did not tell anyone, I showed up there read the new agreement, waited for her to sign it, came in afterwards, signed it and left to crossfit (the crossfit gym is officially my second home, I am thinking about putting a mattress there and paying them rent). My L made a remark on how W seemed unease as we were signing it, I did not pay attention to her, I never do. I think it is probably the apathy I feel towards this stranger she has become and the way I have written in my head that interacting with her is just getting more disrespect and pain.

My children, my PIES and Pack are the center of my universe. I work very hard on being there for my children and give them the right balance between a loving father, a reference male figure and the authority they need to grow to become responsible and loving men. Last week I re-read my previous four threads and it is giving me a new perception. I remember times at home when W was asking me to sit further away from her, hiding messages on her phone, when she mocked me about me learning about relationships from books and all the painful days thinking about potential OMs and crying on my bed. I must still be in love with the image I hold of her and my family but there is no way that she loved me during each of those episodes, she probably never did and we only got married because we had just had a baby and it felt the right thing to do to her.

Whenever we interact I am a distant father, nothing more. I leave the first, I discuss any matters about S4 or S9 that worries me and I ask for a reply by email. I am present at every school event, I take them to sports and I read with them everyday, but I no longer even mention mom to them. I am more detached, I talked about my life in the UK and Germany in first person, I have goals for the future and I have learned the amount of baggage I carry due to my failed M and my broken family.

However, I still listen to my recording with the golden nuggets from this forum more often that I should to remind me that I am work in progress and need to continue improving in my PIES. Main difference is that now I tell myself, it has been over 3 years Pack, a lot of things happen in 3 years, you have to move on and you have to start a new life for you and your kids. I dont talk to anyone about my D or ExW, I think this is one of the reasons why I wanted to come back here, it is still in my head but I have blocked the subject outside of my support circle.

Sometimes when we exchange the kids ExW comes with new friends, people I have never seen and it just makes me think that she really meant to start over and a new life the many times she told me that at home in Munich. Sometimes we discuss medical issues from the kids and I message at the end that I wish her a good day. No expectations, just being polite, and she never comes back. I dont expect any or are hurt by this behaviour, it just makes me think she still hates me and blames me for all. Having forced myself to move on, even when my brain is still pulled towards the fantasy of our live in Germany, I struggle a lot with how this is going to affect our children now and in the long term. As I have said many times here, I want them to learn how to respond to this behaviour from a woman so I try to be cordial but strong in front of ExW.

I still struggle with the idea that there have been multiple OMs and there will be more to come. I am scared of ExW moving on to a new R and bringing a new man to the world of our children. I know I will always be their only father and the one they will admire and look up to and that is fully under my control. But I struggle with the thought that the person who swore to be your life partner in good and bad just gives up and builds a new life. She must not have valued me much as a man, even before we got married.

My PIES continue to be on full mode. Last sunday I ran a half marathon in 1:30 and that was a personal target I had. I am reading again "The multi orgasmic man" and practising my sexual kung-fu, I keep using any chance I get to practice active listening and improving my empathy. I get attention from women, which tells me that I am doing the right thing, is just that at my age is hard to find people who accept you being the father of 2 children, one of them being 9. Not that I care now, I am still building the amazing solo life for Paco.

Updated PIES:
P - Improve my PRs in crossfit. Marathon under 3´30". Gain muscle weight, keep my wardrobe fresh. Chin up and chest out, I should be proud of the new man I have become. Practice my sexual kung fu and improve my diet.
I - Improve as a leader at work, read more about financial success and investments. Promote at work
E - Improve my active listen, show empathy, stay humble and work on improving myself as a man and father. Let W go, accept it is over and there is only one way ahead and it is not what I wanted it to be. DETACH and think as the single man I am.
S - Accept I cannot control my way out of this, talk to God, know the man I am, the man I want to be a define a path to get there.

When I last saw my L to talk about payments he made a joyful comment at the door. He said, btw pack, you are no longer divorced, you are now single. I am not sure if he means he has been able to process the annulment of our M. If so, fresh start and chin up.

Can I ask for some help with an issue. What is the best way to show or express to S9 that I am pass trying to get W back and moving ahead alone. Is there value in even showing this to him? I may have failed in the fight for my marriage, but this will not determine the caliber of a man I am.

Thank you all for your support and comments.

((hugs))
Pack