Nice quiet weekend, nothing much to report. W and I spent a lot of time together Saturday doing some clothes shopping. We went to the mall, yes we still have one of those, and it felt so weird. We spent so much time there together as teenagers and young adults. Didn't mention it to her but the feelings of nostalgia were strong. Made me feel very sentimental for a while. Last night while watching football we started discussing vacation plans. It came up because we were looking at d13's travel softball schedule and we only have a few open weekends from June to August. I didn't really want to talk too much about it, didn't want her to feel pressured. We always go to her aunt's house at the beach and we need to claim a spot or we won't get one. I couldn't get a good read on how she was taking it. At one point I just said "Look, reserve the week we picked and if things change you can still go without me. You know you want to go and so does d13." I left it at that and will not mention it again. If things change between us I will plan my own vacation, maybe with s17. He's not a fan of the beach anyway. It did start to bother me thinking that this could be the first year in 26 years we don't go on a family vacation together. I sat and thought about it for a few minutes and then put it out of my mind. I wondered if she could tell something was up because she got up from her chair and came and snuggled against me on the sofa. She's still being more affectionate than she used to be. It's nice. It's also confusing. Lately I've wondered if it's because she's about to make a move and is trying to be extra nice leading up to it. I read on someone else's thread where it was mentioned about their sitch. Trying not to be negative and also not naive is a difficult balancing act.
A lot of that ^^^ is the push/pull that happens with DB.
It's why DBing is counterintuitive.
When you push, she moves away....
When you pull back, she comes closer....
She is seeing you possibly being different. You aren't as devastated now, and are making decisions out of strength rather than weakness...
And she is finding that attractive about you.
The balancing act is this....
You can't be that guy simply to lure her back...
Your new strength has to come from inside of you, and only for you....
And you can't be looking back over your shoulder to see where she is. She will either follow or she won't, and you cannot control either option.
And a WAS can smell fake, like Oprah can sniff out a Twinkie....
As far as your expectations, be careful with them.
The positive AND the negative ones. Both are equally damaging to you and your efforts....
One other thing Mike....
When you FIRST asked her out....
Did you really care if there was a boyfriend or anything ???
I would say no...
You walked up to her and made your play, regardless if there was competition...
That....is your mind set through this...
You are the one best option for her, and she is either gonna be on the boat, or she isn't....
In my experience with DB, or anything...
People don't typically go looking for things that they haven't lost.....
Just not as a ploy, rather a way of living your life...
Thanks as always Mach. I lol’d the Oprah dig. I really feel that I’m reaching at least a minimal degree of detachment. I don’t look for her reactions to my actions anymore. I don’t worry about her when we’re not together. I’ve adopted the mindset finally that if she is up to something I can’t stop it and worrying won’t help. She went shopping alone Sunday afternoon, didn’t think about it once. Before I would have worked out a scenario in my head about her meet the om. I really think I’ve turned a corner in regards to detachment. Now to make it stick. I have no interest in just luring her back at this point. When I think about it in those terms it pisses me off. Like you said, she’s either going to be on the boat or not. I don’t want to deceive her into climbing aboard. I really am tempering my expectations. Really don’t have any at this point. I’m not doing great at GAL presently bug I am doing a good job of giving her space when we’re at home. I used to love to read and really haven’t read much in the last 5 or so years, too much youtube. In the last two weeks I’ve knocked out 2 books. I will sit in our front room and read in the evening while she watches tv. I forgot how much I enjoy reading. I feel like I’m in the best place I’ve been throughout this mess, mentally snd emotionally. One day at a time 💪🏻
Thanks as always Mach. I lol’d the Oprah dig. I really feel that I’m reaching at least a minimal degree of detachment. I don’t look for her reactions to my actions anymore. I don’t worry about her when we’re not together. I’ve adopted the mindset finally that if she is up to something I can’t stop it and worrying won’t help. She went shopping alone Sunday afternoon, didn’t think about it once. Before I would have worked out a scenario in my head about her meet the om. I really think I’ve turned a corner in regards to detachment. Now to make it stick. I have no interest in just luring her back at this point. When I think about it in those terms it pisses me off. Like you said, she’s either going to be on the boat or not. I don’t want to deceive her into climbing aboard. I really am tempering my expectations. Really don’t have any at this point. I’m not doing great at GAL presently bug I am doing a good job of giving her space when we’re at home. I used to love to read and really haven’t read much in the last 5 or so years, too much youtube. In the last two weeks I’ve knocked out 2 books. I will sit in our front room and read in the evening while she watches tv. I forgot how much I enjoy reading. I feel like I’m in the best place I’ve been throughout this mess, mentally snd emotionally. One day at a time 💪🏻
The reason that I called BS on you before, is because I felt like you are confusing detachment with not loving her.
You can detach and still love her very much...
Detaching doesn't mean that you don't love. It simply means that you are backing away and allowing space and time to create some breathing room for the overly emotional decisions that would ordinarily be made through this process...
Detaching is making YOURSELF emotionally healthy enough to not live life one minute at a time based on the immediate decisions and whims of another person. So that you can back away, and lead from the front rather than from the rear.
Detaching is making decisions, not for a reaction, rather regardless the reaction. Because it's the right one that has been thought through without the intent to hurt.
Becoming detached isn't necessarily a decision as much as it is a way of life....
You can still love her, you just aren't there watching every move she makes, thinking that one thing is going to make or break your situation.
What else detaching is, and possibly the most important part....
It gives you the time and space to get your mojo back....
Thanks as always Mach. I lol’d the Oprah dig. I really feel that I’m reaching at least a minimal degree of detachment. I don’t look for her reactions to my actions anymore. I don’t worry about her when we’re not together. I’ve adopted the mindset finally that if she is up to something I can’t stop it and worrying won’t help. She went shopping alone Sunday afternoon, didn’t think about it once. Before I would have worked out a scenario in my head about her meet the om. I really think I’ve turned a corner in regards to detachment. Now to make it stick. I have no interest in just luring her back at this point. When I think about it in those terms it pisses me off. Like you said, she’s either going to be on the boat or not. I don’t want to deceive her into climbing aboard. I really am tempering my expectations. Really don’t have any at this point. I’m not doing great at GAL presently bug I am doing a good job of giving her space when we’re at home. I used to love to read and really haven’t read much in the last 5 or so years, too much youtube. In the last two weeks I’ve knocked out 2 books. I will sit in our front room and read in the evening while she watches tv. I forgot how much I enjoy reading. I feel like I’m in the best place I’ve been throughout this mess, mentally snd emotionally. One day at a time 💪🏻
The reason that I called BS on you before, is because I felt like you are confusing detachment with not loving her.
You can detach and still love her very much...
Detaching doesn't mean that you don't love. It simply means that you are backing away and allowing space and time to create some breathing room for the overly emotional decisions that would ordinarily be made through this process...
Detaching is making YOURSELF emotionally healthy enough to not live life one minute at a time based on the immediate decisions and whims of another person. So that you can back away, and lead from the front rather than from the rear.
Detaching is making decisions, not for a reaction, rather regardless the reaction. Because it's the right one that has been thought through without the intent to hurt.
Becoming detached isn't necessarily a decision as much as it is a way of life....
You can still love her, you just aren't there watching every move she makes, thinking that one thing is going to make or break your situation.
What else detaching is, and possibly the most important part....
It gives you the time and space to get your mojo back....
Keep diggin buddy.....you are getting there....
I get what you’re saying. It seemed like one day it just clicked. I didn’t necessarily decide to detach or not, things just felt different. Makes sense? To be honest I am enjoying the feeling, seems freezing. Definitely less stressful.
I get what you’re saying. It seemed like one day it just clicked. I didn’t necessarily decide to detach or not, things just felt different. Makes sense? To be honest I am enjoying the feeling, seems freezing. Definitely less stressful.
That’s how it happens.
Be calm and answers present themselves.
You find what is lost, once you stop looking for it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I get what you’re saying. It seemed like one day it just clicked. I didn’t necessarily decide to detach or not, things just felt different. Makes sense? To be honest I am enjoying the feeling, seems freezing. Definitely less stressful.
That’s how it happens.
Be calm and answers present themselves.
You find what is lost, once you stop looking for it.
I get what you’re saying. It seemed like one day it just clicked. I didn’t necessarily decide to detach or not, things just felt different. Makes sense? To be honest I am enjoying the feeling, seems freezing. Definitely less stressful.
Make sense ?
KWIM ??
Yep...
That's the way it happens.
That's why I said it's more a way of life than a decision...
