Situation: the other day gf asked son if he would like to hang out with his friend (they have been best friends the last 3 years). We are also friends with the parents so we would probably all hang out togther. My son said no it’s ok she asked why, to make a long story short my son basically told her he is annoying and complains a lot. Keep in mind they are 12. She kept asking him questions why, he explained why and he has anew set of friends. This conversation went on for 10 minutes.
To me it looks like GF wanted to hang out with the parents/friends and with son saying no, she was trying to talk him into it. Ten minutes of questioning why and pushing is going to get the response she got.
My thoughts and how I approach things (workplace, home, with friends, etc.). When one asks a question they need to be ok with either a yes or no answer. If one is not ok with one of those answers, then it’s not a question, it is a command, direction, or statement. So don’t ask. Direct, or tell, or let know - depending upon the situation.
Consider, “Son, rake the leaves. I’m getting tired of asking.” Is Dad really asking? Or is his telling?
An example, six years ago just after BD, W and I met to talk about son’s upcoming graduation. She told me she was going to ask son if she could attend. I asked her what are you going to do if he says no?
Son saying no, was highly likely since she was treating him very badly and he was very mad at her.
W said she’d just go to the graduation anyhow. I told her that would be pretty dismissive and disrespectful of son’s wishes, especially after specifically asking him. I asked her if she would be willing to hear some advice. She welcomed it. I told her to not ask, since she really isn’t. Just let son you will be attending. (The school required the number of people for the super for each student.) If you give him a choice, and you ignore that choice, things will just get worse between you two.
She thought that was wise. And that is what she did. So W attended the ceremony and the supper. With no feathers ruffled, they even had the mother and son dance together.
GF should have asked if you wanted to spend time with the parents/friends. And then she or you let son know that “we are going to go see <parents names> this Wednesday. Probably will stay for supper as a well.” Not asking what or why, just letting son know of some upcoming plans.
Kids are not small adults. They are children. And there is nothing wrong with sometimes simply letting them know what is going on without ensuring their upfront agreement.
And yes, choice does exert a feel of control over a situation. “Hey son, we are going over to <name>. Pick out a couple of video games for you and <friend> to play.” A little less rebellion when they have some say in it.
Best of luck.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
