W called me several times each day the last 2 days. I did not pick up. I really wasn’t ready to.
She eventually approached me at church. I said hi in an upbeat not stressed day (church was really Great yesterday. Really impacted me ). She asked me a bit about what I have been up to - ”hanging out with friends, getting stuff done etc (vague)” she then said “you’re not into your phone these days? I have been calling you.” “I’ve been busy and I’m not around my phone at times,” I replied.
She asked if I’d like to do some family outdoor activities his month. I replied, “totally, we are doing lots of that. “ Then I said “gotta go”. She said “what are you doing?” “Going out with friends,” I said with a relaxed smile and left.
also, re: anger --- everyone kept asking me why I wasn't angry during our separation, which was 19 months between BD and D. And I was, I had moments for sure. But over all I felt sadness, compassion, love and definitely owned my side of the street and maybe a little of his too... but man, when the anger came??? Holy $h!t!!!!! It was so deep, so vast, I remember saying to my IC that if I let it out it felt like it would destroy everything around me.
There's a meme going around. You may see it some time. I believe there's a lot of truth to it. This is what it says,
"I sat with Anger for a long time, until She told me her real name was Grief."
File under: Save for later.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
She asked if I’d like to do some family outdoor activities his month. I replied, “totally, we are doing lots of that.
Originally Posted by LH19
Wrong! Sorry my calendar is full. Close the bakery Rock.
Rock,
What works is completely counter intuitive. It goes against your natural instincts. You will not nice her back. Your statement to her is "being nice".
LH19 statement is gaining respect. You are rejecting her for her infidelity. One of your CORE VALUES has been violated and you are disgusted by her recent choices and behaviors. Not her, her choices and her behavior. You really do not want anything to do with her. She has to feel like she has lost you before you even have a chance of attracting her back.
Do your research into women's "siht tests" and appropriate ways to respond. This one skill alone will change the dynamics between you and your W.
This whole thing is a big "siht test". You want to start passing all her tests.
How would LH19 respond? How about Andrew Tate? LFA? That is how you should respond. No need to be an A-hole.
Another area for research is "frame". A duckduckgo search of" manosphere frame" found these:
From Reddit:"A Practical Guide To Building Frame" “Whose reality are you living in” - yours, or your wife’s?
Ideally, you want a woman to enter your reality. Her genuine (unnegotiated) desire for you hinges upon you covertly establishing this narrative for her.
Create your reality. Do not go into her frame. Stay in yours.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
“ The best thing a LBS can do for themselves is to take the time to figure out who they are, separate from the marriage and the family.
Rock, who are YOU, as a man?
Rock, what are your core values? Your ride or die values ... basically, if you could only use 5 traits to describe yourself, what would those words be?
Now: How are you living those words?
What do you really want Rock, in your life, separate from family/marriage?
do you want peace?
do you want health?
do you want financial security?
do you want to be of service to others?
is it some combination of the above or something else entirely? ”
I am digging into this more and more. Going through the pain and uncertainty to reinforce what is solid in me, my core and anchor.
I would like to add one more thing to bttry's posting.
Whatever changes you make, must become permanent and not something you are doing to get your spouse back. Your spouse is watching your every move and she will detect quite easily if the changes you are making are just to convince her to return to the marriage. BTW, your spouse will be testing you to see if the chances are real or not.
Keep the focus entirely on you and your family. Leave your spouse in the hands of the man up above.
Originally Posted by job
I would like to add one more thing to bttry's posting.
Whatever changes you make, must become permanent and not something you are doing to get your spouse back. Your spouse is watching your every move and she will detect quite easily if the changes you are making are just to convince her to return to the marriage. BTW, your spouse will be testing you to see if the chances are real or not.
Keep the focus entirely on you and your family. Leave your spouse in the hands of the man up above.
Job, I am getting there. Focused. Making progress. Battling discouragement, having setbacks and getting back up and moving forward.
I am angry. I have been processing it in therapy and feeling it acknowledging it and paying attention to it.
Glad to hear. That is probably a better place than here.
Have you been channeling the energy into something productive?
R2C, engaging in life for me on my terms. Constructing the life I want to live. Improved my health, going for preventive medicine, renoing/caring for/decorating my home, being a great dad, investing reciprocally in quality friendships, putting energy into community, taking time to play and have joy while grieving/lamenting what is lost and has been broken, hurting and healing.
I am angry. I voiced my anger (safely and non violently) to her right at BD. I have been processing it in therapy and feeling it acknowledging it and paying attention to it.
We don't now what goes on in your real life other than what you share here. It's good you're in IC and hopeful you are processing that anger there - great place to do so. However, my read of your posts (and I think others would agree) is they don't come across as you being angry yet. They come across more of you trying to be nice and compassionate and hoping through that your WW will come back and if she does it'll be all good because you're kind and there for her and can forgive. I'm betting though your anger has fully surfaced yet. I suspect it will at some point down the road and it's going to really hit you, whether you R or not. Be ready for it.
