Btt, Im really not sure what she is attempting through this. As far as I know she doesn’t want the marriage, is not in Love with me. I’m curious to see how it plays out. She is working now PT and is enjoying it. She seems to be working on her programs which is great and going to both AA and SA meeting, which is also a plus. She quit going to SA for a couple months. She is also still doing IC 2x a week. The next month will be curious. My plan is no matter what to keep on moving forward, GAL, and detaching as much as possible. I’ll keep up with updates.
Enough about her.
What are you doing in your program?
How goes the detachment?
How are the kids doing?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
FM you really need to embrace the concept of the STFU smoothie.
You also need to wrap your mind around the fact that a divorce is like a business partnership breaking up. The partners do not coach each other on how the process works. Each side does their own due diligence.
When she starts talking about how she thinks the divorce is going to go, STFU and listen. A response isn't required. If she asks for one say something like the non-committal "Hmm."
I don't advocate prompting follow up conversations. I don't advocate prompting or follow up questions at all. That's not what a STFU smoothie is all about. If you must talk, change the conversation to something neutral.
You're forgetting something that's crucial here: she's not on team FM.
Remember that. It's easy to forget this during IHS, or when she confides in you as she always has. Remember, right now she's not your friend. She's not your partner. She's also not the enemy, but she's certainly not on team FM or team FM Family.
Don't get sucked in.
I'm sorry, I can't punch a star on your STFU smoothie card in this encounter.
Take this encounter as a lesson learned and do better next time.
Last edited by bttrfly; 01/27/2312:58 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
This is so relevant for me. It is really hard but has been getting better. I am drawing on all kinds of resources (this board, prayer. Exercise, therapy and skills, friends) to stay in track with this and I am getting it more. FM you can do this.
Bt, Your post makes total sense to me. I have to start drinking more stfu smoothies. When we talk I am making a conscious effort to not provide advise and just listen. When I do this she tends to just stay on track and talk about herself and emotions. I have found it hard this week to stay totally detached. She has been starting conversations and going deeper than usual. Today she came home from IC and opened up about a ton of issues and her feelings. I will work on getting my STFU card filled up with stamps, I do forget sometime that she is not on my team. The IHS makes it so difficult to fully detach, and easy sometimes to get drawn back in, but emotionally I feel better giving what I can’t control to God. I really do appreciate your advice. I Will continue to update the post.
As for me. I am constantly working on my spiritual, emotional and intellectual growth. I am doing well in my program, hitting meetings and meeting with my sponsor on the weeks I’m in town. I am still doing weekly coaching sessions and a self paced integrated man program. Spiritually I am continue to grow my relationship and connection with God, my prayers and meditations are very healing. I love riding the Harley when weather permits and doing as much Krav as schedule allows. I am still the rock for my children which will never change and know that whatever happens here I’ll be ok.
The IHS makes it so difficult to fully detach, and easy sometimes to get drawn back in
For sure. IHS is incredibly difficult.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
As for me. I am constantly working on my spiritual, emotional and intellectual growth. I am doing well in my program, hitting meetings and meeting with my sponsor on the weeks I’m in town. I am still doing weekly coaching sessions and a self paced integrated man program. Spiritually I am continue to grow my relationship and connection with God, my prayers and meditations are very healing. I love riding the Harley when weather permits and doing as much Krav as schedule allows. I am still the rock for my children which will never change and know that whatever happens here I’ll be ok.
Good stuff, FwdMvmnt. Keep it up. Not for your W but for yourself and you kids.
Hang in there FwdMvmnt. It's gonna get better.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Hey all, I am curious about the DB coaches. I continue to fall back into old patterns with her and nice guy ways. I am getting close to just paying for her to leave. I do not want to do this and need some additional help on this IHS situation. I am doing great with GAL and keeping up on my self help, but have trouble when we are together, which is often. I almost feel like I am going backwards in the relationship. I have all the knowledge that I am reading and learning, but struggling to put into play. I appreciate any feedback.
When she starts talking about how she thinks the divorce is going to go, STFU and listen. A response isn't required.
bttrfly is 100% right.
As generally softer/more compassionate human beings, LBS are often people who are uncomfortable with silence. We feel like we have to do or say something or interact somehow to overcome the weirdness of awkward silence.
You don’t! It’s entirely reasonable to say nothing. Don’t interact, don’t validate, don’t attempt to fix, don’t agree, don’t empathise … you just sit there in silence or say “I’m listening”.
My brother is an ED social worker who works with mainly mental health and substance abuse issues. He said silence is better than ANYTHING to make the other person think carefully about their actions and what they’re saying.
He said to embrace the awkward silence. It’s a very powerful tool.
I am curious about the DB coaches. ..I appreciate any feedback.
You could test it out. It has been a long time since I spoke with one of the DB coaches, but I believe they gave sound advise, and it was good to have the live immediate conversation vs all this typing and reading.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you for your responses. I really do need to utilize the board more often to put thoughts down. I have a lot of support that I utilize to work through my thoughts, but this place can be a great outlet for me if I’d utilize it more. I am continuing to work on myself, GAL as much as possible and be the best father I can be. I appreciate everyone on here.
