Bttrfly & BL- I agree it seems fishy. When we talked about it after the first incident I asked W if she told him about the games. She of course said no. When I saw him at the 2nd tournament, I just figured he found out from someone in the bball program. He seemed to know a lot of people there.
Mach-In the beginning I did compare myself, hard not to. I stopped doing that after awhile though when I realized it did no good. I will admit when he showed up to the first tournament I started doing it again. At the second tournament I had the same thought as you- I'm sitting here with her and he is probably wishing he was. I really did handle it well last weekend. I was only mildly annoyed at seeing him and just let it go. While I would love to beat his azz, I made sure where he was each time I got up to use the restroom or go to the concession stand. I wanted to avoid running into him at all costs so I wouldn't say or do anything. Especially in that setting. It never occurred to me that W "staring" at him could have very well been her wondering why he was there as well. My thoughts were that she told him. It wouldn't make sense for her to tell him knowing that I would be there. And she knows I would. D13 has played multiple sports, s17 played sports and was in band, d223 was in band and marching band. I have never missed a, nor will I, any of my kids events. I played sports most of my childhood and my parents rarely attended anything. Most of the time I had to catch rides everywhere. When my kids started, I made sure to never let anything I could control cause me to miss their activities. So far I'm batting 1000 and proud of it. Let me tell you, some of those band concerts were brutal though. Thanks for the input as always. What's the KWIM at the bottom of your post?
With one exception, Tuesday I believe, things have been going very well the last week or so. Really the last few weeks, especially so this week. Tuesday I got in a bit of a funk and started getting angry about everything. I did a good job of recognizing the anger coming on, let it be for a while, and then let it go. In the past I could not do that, I would let it build and then feed it with more negative thoughts until the anger would come out. I was quite proud of how I handled it. Small steps. The rest of the time I have been very calm, for lack of a better word. Nothing really seems to matter like it did. I'm not thinking about R much and when I do it isn't negative thoughts, just thinking. I have been giving W lots of space. She asked me 3 or 4 times last night if something is wrong. I suppose because I've been keeping busy and when she gets home from work, I don't rush in the kitchen to see her like the dogs do. I have made a point of being busy in some other part of the house when she gets home, and she usually seeks me out now. Not being cold or shutting her out. Just doing my thing. When she questioned me yesterday, I simply said "Nothings wrong at all" or something similar and let it go. Maybe I'm getting better at detachment finally? In an earlier post Mach called BS on me saying I didn't care anymore. Poor wording at the time I suppose. Maybe I was starting to detach then, it is a weird feeling. One night earlier this week W started crying while watching an episode of MASH where BJ cheats on his wife with a nurse. I asked if she was ok. She just cried some more. Very soft crying, not sobbing. She basically said the episode reminded her of what she had done and that the A was always going to cause us problems. For the first time ever I didn't try to fix it. I simply said I understood why she was crying. I did say that the A didn't have to always be a problem. I said it would always be a chapter in our life that we couldn't forget. That doesn't mean it's a "problem" if we do the work to move past it. I then gave her a hug and sat there quietly until she got up and went to bed. Maybe that could be construed as fixing. I was making a conscious effort not to "fix" though. If I failed, at least I was aware and trying. Was definitely a 180 attempt. In rereading this I guess I was trying to fix the problem. Damn. In the past I would have continued hugging her and telling her everything will be all right, don't be sad, etc. I really was attempting to not fix it. Small steps as Rock says.
. Mach-In the beginning I did compare myself, hard not to. I stopped doing that after awhile though when I realized it did no good. I will admit when he showed up to the first tournament I started doing it again. At the second tournament I had the same thought as you- I'm sitting here with her and he is probably wishing he was. I really did handle it well last weekend. I was only mildly annoyed at seeing him and just let it go. While I would love to beat his azz, I made sure where he was each time I got up to use the restroom or go to the concession stand. I wanted to avoid running into him at all costs so I wouldn't say or do anything. Especially in that setting. It never occurred to me that W "staring" at him could have very well been her wondering why he was there as well. My thoughts were that she told him. It wouldn't make sense for her to tell him knowing that I would be there. And she knows I would. D13 has played multiple sports, s17 played sports and was in band, d223 was in band and marching band. I have never missed a, nor will I, any of my kids events. I played sports most of my childhood and my parents rarely attended anything. Most of the time I had to catch rides everywhere. When my kids started, I made sure to never let anything I could control cause me to miss their activities. So far I'm batting 1000 and proud of it. Let me tell you, some of those band concerts were brutal though. Thanks for the input as always. What's the KWIM at the bottom of your post?
Been there with ya on that one....
After my bomb, I sat through a Christmas Party with my Ex's first AP, we had a long conversation about several things. All before I knew of course, yet in my devastation, it never occurred to me that there was a deep level of betrayal. I can't say that I didn't suspect it, yet I just didn't realize it.
I saw him a couple years later and he turned face and hustled in the other direction. Azz whippins were half price that day....
As I sit here today though, I'm glad that I didn't pursue that, and was the bigger person.
That's why I said that I would love to see you operate on a level that this asshat can't even reach. He isn't worth your time or efforts, and while you may feel good in the moment, I don't think that is who you want to be at the end of the day.
Keep being the rock Mike, you really won't regret it. I wouldn't worry about him too much, and certainly wouldn't let HIM stop you from doing whatever you want to do while you are there. I would also venture that he is even more uncomfortable with the thought of having to face you, than you are him. Unless he is a complete whack job, which I guess is entirely possible. I would however be interested in what he would do if he was faced with you....Hmmmm
I hear ya on the band concerts....been through a few of them too....
Thanks Mach, I appreciate your support. So…in one of my weaker moments I happened to drive by his house one evening and he was just pulling in his driveway. I sat there for a minute and he wouldn’t get out of his truck. I circled the block and he was standing next’s to his truck when I drive back by. I was going to just leave until I saw him staring at me, so I stopped. Rolled down the window and asked if he had something to say. Invited him to walk out to the street and discuss it. He did say a word. I laughed, called him a bi@ch and left. Immature I know. He’s a punk and I felt better, what can I say? That was probably early September. Wouldn’t do it now, not worth it. Azz whippins were half price that day 😁! I like that!
Thanks Mach, I appreciate your support. So…in one of my weaker moments I happened to drive by his house one evening and he was just pulling in his driveway. I sat there for a minute and he wouldn’t get out of his truck. I circled the block and he was standing next’s to his truck when I drive back by. I was going to just leave until I saw him staring at me, so I stopped. Rolled down the window and asked if he had something to say. Invited him to walk out to the street and discuss it. He did say a word. I laughed, called him a bi@ch and left.
So here's the thing Mike.....
THAT ^^^ is the mindset that I would like you to have through this....
Only in a mental capacity instead of a physically intimidating capacity....
The mere thought of who you, are as a man ,should intimidate the crap out of him...
Not because of your physical attributes, because of your morals, dignity, and character....
It's the way that you carry yourself and the persona that you create around you that should make him cower away from you.
And IF you can do that, and genuinely become that person , you will recognize the insignificant impact that he has on you, and the situation....
He literally means NOTHING to the work that you will do and are doing for yourself....
In ten years, you have zero idea where you will be, because you are growing and evolving....
I would wager that in ten years, you will know exactly where he is....
Thanks Mach, I appreciate your support. So…in one of my weaker moments I happened to drive by his house one evening and he was just pulling in his driveway. I sat there for a minute and he wouldn’t get out of his truck. I circled the block and he was standing next’s to his truck when I drive back by. I was going to just leave until I saw him staring at me, so I stopped. Rolled down the window and asked if he had something to say. Invited him to walk out to the street and discuss it. He did say a word. I laughed, called him a bi@ch and left.
So here's the thing Mike.....
THAT ^^^ is the mindset that I would like you to have through this....
Only in a mental capacity instead of a physically intimidating capacity....
The mere thought of who you, are as a man ,should intimidate the crap out of him...
Not because of your physical attributes, because of your morals, dignity, and character....
It's the way that you carry yourself and the persona that you create around you that should make him cower away from you.
And IF you can do that, and genuinely become that person , you will recognize the insignificant impact that he has on you, and the situation....
He literally means NOTHING to the work that you will do and are doing for yourself....
In ten years, you have zero idea where you will be, because you are growing and evolving....
I would wager that in ten years, you will know exactly where he is....
So, if we cool with the "KWIM"....
KWIM ???
Make sense ??? (that work better ? )
Makes perfect sense. I will make that mindset a goal. Ego a difficult opponent, he’s got a pretty good looking win/loss record.
Nice quiet weekend, nothing much to report. W and I spent a lot of time together Saturday doing some clothes shopping. We went to the mall, yes we still have one of those, and it felt so weird. We spent so much time there together as teenagers and young adults. Didn't mention it to her but the feelings of nostalgia were strong. Made me feel very sentimental for a while. Last night while watching football we started discussing vacation plans. It came up because we were looking at d13's travel softball schedule and we only have a few open weekends from June to August. I didn't really want to talk too much about it, didn't want her to feel pressured. We always go to her aunt's house at the beach and we need to claim a spot or we won't get one. I couldn't get a good read on how she was taking it. At one point I just said "Look, reserve the week we picked and if things change you can still go without me. You know you want to go and so does d13." I left it at that and will not mention it again. If things change between us I will plan my own vacation, maybe with s17. He's not a fan of the beach anyway. It did start to bother me thinking that this could be the first year in 26 years we don't go on a family vacation together. I sat and thought about it for a few minutes and then put it out of my mind. I wondered if she could tell something was up because she got up from her chair and came and snuggled against me on the sofa. She's still being more affectionate than she used to be. It's nice. It's also confusing. Lately I've wondered if it's because she's about to make a move and is trying to be extra nice leading up to it. I read on someone else's thread where it was mentioned about their sitch. Trying not to be negative and also not naive is a difficult balancing act.
Nice quiet weekend, nothing much to report. W and I spent a lot of time together Saturday doing some clothes shopping. We went to the mall, yes we still have one of those, and it felt so weird. We spent so much time there together as teenagers and young adults. Didn't mention it to her but the feelings of nostalgia were strong. Made me feel very sentimental for a while. Last night while watching football we started discussing vacation plans. It came up because we were looking at d13's travel softball schedule and we only have a few open weekends from June to August. I didn't really want to talk too much about it, didn't want her to feel pressured. We always go to her aunt's house at the beach and we need to claim a spot or we won't get one. I couldn't get a good read on how she was taking it. At one point I just said "Look, reserve the week we picked and if things change you can still go without me. You know you want to go and so does d13." I left it at that and will not mention it again. If things change between us I will plan my own vacation, maybe with s17. He's not a fan of the beach anyway. It did start to bother me thinking that this could be the first year in 26 years we don't go on a family vacation together. I sat and thought about it for a few minutes and then put it out of my mind. I wondered if she could tell something was up because she got up from her chair and came and snuggled against me on the sofa. She's still being more affectionate than she used to be. It's nice. It's also confusing. Lately I've wondered if it's because she's about to make a move and is trying to be extra nice leading up to it. I read on someone else's thread where it was mentioned about their sitch. Trying not to be negative and also not naive is a difficult balancing act.
A lot of that ^^^ is the push/pull that happens with DB.
It's why DBing is counterintuitive.
When you push, she moves away....
When you pull back, she comes closer....
She is seeing you possibly being different. You aren't as devastated now, and are making decisions out of strength rather than weakness...
And she is finding that attractive about you.
The balancing act is this....
You can't be that guy simply to lure her back...
Your new strength has to come from inside of you, and only for you....
And you can't be looking back over your shoulder to see where she is. She will either follow or she won't, and you cannot control either option.
And a WAS can smell fake, like Oprah can sniff out a Twinkie....
As far as your expectations, be careful with them.
The positive AND the negative ones. Both are equally damaging to you and your efforts....
One other thing Mike....
When you FIRST asked her out....
Did you really care if there was a boyfriend or anything ???
I would say no...
You walked up to her and made your play, regardless if there was competition...
That....is your mind set through this...
You are the one best option for her, and she is either gonna be on the boat, or she isn't....
In my experience with DB, or anything...
People don't typically go looking for things that they haven't lost.....
Just not as a ploy, rather a way of living your life...
