With one exception, Tuesday I believe, things have been going very well the last week or so. Really the last few weeks, especially so this week. Tuesday I got in a bit of a funk and started getting angry about everything. I did a good job of recognizing the anger coming on, let it be for a while, and then let it go. In the past I could not do that, I would let it build and then feed it with more negative thoughts until the anger would come out. I was quite proud of how I handled it. Small steps. The rest of the time I have been very calm, for lack of a better word. Nothing really seems to matter like it did. I'm not thinking about R much and when I do it isn't negative thoughts, just thinking. I have been giving W lots of space. She asked me 3 or 4 times last night if something is wrong. I suppose because I've been keeping busy and when she gets home from work, I don't rush in the kitchen to see her like the dogs do. I have made a point of being busy in some other part of the house when she gets home, and she usually seeks me out now. Not being cold or shutting her out. Just doing my thing. When she questioned me yesterday, I simply said "Nothings wrong at all" or something similar and let it go. Maybe I'm getting better at detachment finally? In an earlier post Mach called BS on me saying I didn't care anymore. Poor wording at the time I suppose. Maybe I was starting to detach then, it is a weird feeling. One night earlier this week W started crying while watching an episode of MASH where BJ cheats on his wife with a nurse. I asked if she was ok. She just cried some more. Very soft crying, not sobbing. She basically said the episode reminded her of what she had done and that the A was always going to cause us problems. For the first time ever I didn't try to fix it. I simply said I understood why she was crying. I did say that the A didn't have to always be a problem. I said it would always be a chapter in our life that we couldn't forget. That doesn't mean it's a "problem" if we do the work to move past it. I then gave her a hug and sat there quietly until she got up and went to bed. Maybe that could be construed as fixing. I was making a conscious effort not to "fix" though. If I failed, at least I was aware and trying. Was definitely a 180 attempt. In rereading this I guess I was trying to fix the problem. Damn. In the past I would have continued hugging her and telling her everything will be all right, don't be sad, etc. I really was attempting to not fix it. Small steps as Rock says.
