Going dark feels like pressure

[BL42]

Bat,

Right now you're hoping he's going to "snap out of it" and return to you. Do not bank on that. Work on your detachment and move forward with your life. If he does come back it likely will not be soon and likely only when you've moved on and no longer even thinking of him as an option.

[Bat]

Thank you for your reply I expected this answer. I do move forward and make plans for the future. Plans he can join in but if he doesn’t that’s fine too.

Why is it unlikely even if he says he might? Just trying to understand.

[Kind18]

Read what BL42 just posted, and then read it a dozen more times.

You will eventually become very depressed and angry and bitter if your only solution forward from here is waiting for him to “snap out of it”.

We don’t say this for the fun of it 🤷‍♂️

We say it because time and time again, this board proves that the sudden wake-up and happily ever after that you so desperately hope for is exceedingly rare.

You only get about 80 laps around the sun Bat. Are you going to waste 3, 5, 10 or 20 of those years sitting around waiting for something which, the data suggests, is not likely to happen?

You have two choices.
1. Sit around waiting and pining and hoping
2. Accept it is what it is for now, get off your butt, and live every minute like it’s your last. Hobbies, counselling, travel, exercise, learn a language, learn about DBing and be the best, happiest Bat you can possibly be.

If you decide to drop the rope, divorce him, move on with your life… and then in 5 years he gets his s*** in a pile, has huge regret and wants back in - there’s nothing stopping you from reconciling. You aren’t throwing away your last chance by accepting that you can’t be together right now.

Have you read the welcome links? Ordered the DB book? Organised counselling for you? Considered intervention for his mental health?

I keep asking these questions and each new post is just “he said xyz what does it mean will he snap out of it?”

You need to start DBing from the start.

[BL42]

Why is it unlikely even if he says he might? Just trying to understand.

Words are cheap. What are his ACTIONS showing you?

Never let someone be your priority when you are just an option.

[Bat]

Thank you kind18.

I’m exactly doing all the things in option 2. Hobbies; painting, reading etc. Exercise; gym and walking and tried yoga for first time. Travel; I am on a month long trip. A trip very different than what I am used to, I’ve traveled a lot and mostly it was sightseeing and snorkeling something we loved doing together. This trip i focus on doing things i like to do instead of seeing the sights (already saw most temples etc anyway). I’m doing hiking, walks, visiting museum, cooking classes, yoga and art classes. And of course going out for coffee, lunch, diner and relaxing, swimming. So a lot of me time. Yesterday did a physical challenging hike to a volcano.
Learning a language; yes I am learning spanish on Duolingo daily and planning my next trip to mexico to study more, something i wanted to do for a many years but other travel plans came first.
Still reading on the links and a similar course in my own language and will order db book and others when i get back home in 2 weeks. And will get counselling then also.

So I am really doing both. If I didn’t care about getting back with him I would not need this board right? But as a mentioned before I’m not used to talk about everything I do.

I do notice that I start to detach. For brief moments I think ok maybe life is ok without him as my h. I do need him as my friend. You probably will say get new friends, but i need at least one person in my life who has known me for many years. For now my plan is to give this at least 5 years. If by then I still want him more than friends i will let him go. Or he has come back by then but this stream of thought is if he doesn’t come back. So yes i do consider that possibility.

[Bat]

Actions show that he does everything to avoid losing her. Yes that hurts a lot.

But also that he thinks about me a lot and can’t let me go either.

Your comment about being an option is very true, will think about that.

[bttrfly]

I’m exactly doing all the things in option 2. Hobbies; painting, reading etc. Exercise; gym and walking and tried yoga for first time. Travel; I am on a month long trip. A trip very different than what I am used to, I’ve traveled a lot and mostly it was sightseeing and snorkeling something we loved doing together. This trip i focus on doing things i like to do instead of seeing the sights (already saw most temples etc anyway). I’m doing hiking, walks, visiting museum, cooking classes, yoga and art classes. And of course going out for coffee, lunch, diner and relaxing, swimming. So a lot of me time. Yesterday did a physical challenging hike to a volcano.
Learning a language; yes I am learning spanish on Duolingo daily and planning my next trip to mexico to study more, something i wanted to do for a many years but other travel plans came first.

Great GAL while vacationing.

The goal is to keep that momentum when you are back home.

So I am really doing both. If I didn’t care about getting back with him I would not need this board right? But as a mentioned before I’m not used to talk about everything I do.

I do notice that I start to detach. For brief moments I think ok maybe life is ok without him as my h. I do need him as my friend. You probably will say get new friends, but i need at least one person in my life who has known me for many years. For now my plan is to give this at least 5 years. If by then I still want him more than friends i will let him go. Or he has come back by then but this stream of thought is if he doesn’t come back. So yes i do consider that possibility.

What I will say is two things:

1. Divorce Busting, the books and this board are for YOU. JUST YOU, BAT. Do not share with your H. This place is your refuge from the madness, an oasis.

2. Detachment starts when you learn to keep everything in the day, and not project out. That's very important. Forget about 5 years from now. You have absolutely NO idea what you're going to want, think, feel or who you will be 5 years from now. Keep your focus on TODAY. This is very, very important for your mental and emotional well being. If you focus on TODAY, you can truly be present with what is actually happening in your life and your relationship.

If you keep projecting, you will start up a cycle that is counter-productive to what you really want.