Stuck in limbo V

[DnJ]

Good Morning Doug

The Story of Two Wolves

I go and say I shared it, and then forget to just place a link for ease of finding it. Lol.

I'm not really in a good place with things. I wish I were going home to a house in which W would be somewhere else. I have a hard time conjuring up feelings of empathy towards W in light of what's going on.

Feeding one’s light side takes an effort. And some days are more difficult than others.

Do realize, feelings are fleeting. And you will not always feel this way.

Some feedback from the “but” police (and such):

I would certainly like to feed the compassion and kindness wolf but it's proving more difficult these days.

I'm trying to latch onto LH's oft-repeated line about "You won't always feel this way" but I imagine I may have to do the heavy lifting after W gets a better job unless it turns out she's somehow motivated to do it herself (heavy lifting = setting D in motion).

I'm a little disappointed in myself for not being better at this point at "dropping the rope" but I feel like I'm being too lenient with this waywardness.

An internal war going on within you. Peace comes when both light and dark are fed. By the way, the dark wolf craves acknowledgment. That’s all. Not action. Not even decision. Just simply acknowledging your feelings and impulses.

Lead and live the light wolf. Listen and lean on the dark wolf.

Tenacity, courage, fearlessness, strong-willed, strategic thinking, and such come from ego and pride, our dark wolf. One should not starve that.

Light and dark, good and evil are for illustration. And for highlighting the default vision we usually have. It’s how one utilizes their traits, how one lives, that determines their balance or unbalance.

I would certainly like to feed the compassion and kindness wolf but it's proving more difficult these days.

It’s great you are wanting to feed your light wolf. Why are you finding that difficult these days? W’s path is about her. You cannot control or alter it. Your path is likewise about you. Her behaviour, her actions, cannot control or alter you path. Unless you let them.

Be strong-willed and fearless in your pursuit and reinforcement of your hope, serenity, kindness, benevolence, empathy, compassion, and faith.

I'm trying to latch onto LH's oft-repeated line about "You won't always feel this way" but I imagine I may have to do the heavy lifting after W gets a better job unless it turns out she's somehow motivated to do it herself (heavy lifting = setting D in motion).

Do or do not, there is no try.

Imagining is the first step towards creation.

Why are you tying the two above quoted ideas together? “But” is often used to justify one’s thoughts or actions.

Latch on to, believe in, you will not always feel this way. I’m pretty sure you know the temporariness of feelings. No bringing in the other stuff to muddy the waters. Deal with that separate.

So, the other stuff, the heavy lifting. Why? Why imagine you will need to D. And after she gets a better job. (Further justification and talking yourself into this path btw.)

If you need a divorce. Not want, need. For financial protection, or abuse, or assault, or some such, then get it. However, three years.

Now, if W had a better job, better income, the kids were older, etc., then a D would become a better financial deal for you. Strictly looking at things from the intellectual rational side of the equation. However, we are both rational and irrational creature. Actually, much more leaning towards the latter.

I'm a little disappointed in myself for not being better at this point at "dropping the rope" but I feel like I'm being too lenient with this waywardness.

Two views being concatenated/force together. Please do not reinforce your feelings of disappointment through some self amplification of culpability/lenience of her behaviour.

Dropping the rope:

Drop the rope or be dragged. It’s detachment. It’s letting go.

To me, detachment is when one stops getting their emotions uncontrollably dragged around by their spouse’s words, behaviours, and actions. Uncontrollable being a key point.

Doug, your emotions are not uncontrollable dragged about.

Indifference is that numbness and absence of feeling that comes after detachment. Indifference, like all emotions, is temporary and does unwind. I suspect you know and understand what I speak of. I think you’ve experienced indifference.

Do realize, you can influence your state of indifference. Not control, rather influence. You can through thought and action amplify indifference towards W, temporary as it will be, as all feelings do flit. Still, it’s a useful skill to be able to employ.

I believe you do “let go”. And then grab on again. Perfectly normal. Acknowledge that. And not in some culpable blameful manner. Acknowledge that you have achieved indifference before. And it is a temporary state. And you can achieve it again, as necessary. Seeing your positive progress will strengthen the gains you have achieved.

So, why are you disappointed in yourself? It’s not about dropping the rope, IMHO. Expectations, maybe.

I don't know if there's any point seeing that W has to traverse this landscape of MLC herself.

W has to traverse her path, the troubled landscape of emotional turmoil, by herself. Lots of value in understanding and empathizing with that.

What about your path? You up for it?

I certainly question why I'm putting up with it.

Good to ask questions. It challenges one’s convictions.

Are you putting up with it? Really? That question gives the illusion that you can control it. That you could stop it. Divorced or not, W is going to do what she is going to do.

It’s acceptance, not putting up with it. That’s your path.

FWIW, I'm taking sex off the table.

Yeah, tables hurt the back.

So, why now? What are you expecting?

Are you doing this for you?

In most situations cake-eating is not recommended. Disrespect and all that. It’s more for the LBS’ sanity, and not some tactic to win or alter the other’s path or wake them up. However, if the LBS can remain balanced, and there is not a full blown affair - most spouses cease sex with an active affair - having sex keeps the home fires burning.

I think you are trying to shake things up. To shake the tree. Though whose tree - her’s or your’s. Personally, I think it’s yours.

Mindful, calm. Answers present themselves when one is calm and still.

Feed and acknowledge what’s inside you. Find peace.

D