WW Help (3)

[DnJ]

Good Morning F

Glad son had a great weekend. A nice hotel suite and room service is pretty special to a six year old. (I still find that stuff pretty special too, at 55. Lol.)

While in the car there was some relationship talk, things between W and I have been pretty amicable of late, but of course it was the same talk. She wants a divorce and will be moving out when she gets enough money to do so.

How long was the car ride? I’m inferring significant time, since weekend trip and hotel and such. So yes, it is likely this topic would’ve come up. Did she wait until son was sleeping or occupied in a movie or something?

Her mood has been pretty good lately and she does seem to be working her programs more, which is a great thing if she sticks to it. On Sunday night I get a text from her that says

"I've been thinking during this meeting that I want to get further along in my steps before I pull the trigger on this thing."

Such meetings are to elicit self reflection and accountability. Nice to see her delaying and maybe having some second thoughts. Or third, or forth, or fiftieth thoughts. She’s flip flopping about.

I ask her what she means and she says "The Divorce" I replied that I didn't know how to answer that and need to think about it, would get back to her.

Good asking her to clarify “this thing”. Having her say aloud divorce, injects reality into her fantasy. Let her own her divorce. Which she is not as sure about, by the looks of things.

The next day I asked her to clarify what she meant before I could respond to her. She said I still think we need to live separate, but not sure on a divorce.

Interesting. She will drop plenty of clues of where she is and what she’s feeling, when you just listen.

I said that really doesn't change anything for me.

True. Separating for a year doesn’t change anything for you. But why did you tell her?

She will drop plenty of clues of where she is and what she’s feeling, when you just listen.

I think it's due to the fact when we were talking in the car she mentioned we had to be separate for a year due to us having minor children. I corrected her and said we live in an at Fault state and that could most likely get that period waived if filed. Either way going to keep moving forward.

Again, true. You are correct. You’ve done your homework regarding divorce and your potential risks and splitting of marital assets and custody. But why did you tell her?

She will drop plenty of clues of where she is and what she’s feeling, when you just listen.

Each time you told her of what you were thinking. Or corrected her. That stops her dead in her tracks, and likely reinforces her feelings of not being heard. Just listen and agree with / validate what she is saying. It’s not lying or going along with. Just listening is all. Letting her spill.

Her misunderstanding of your at fault state and no mandatory one year cool down had her pausing. Her easy-peasy divorce had come off the tracks a bit, and you put it back on. Let her fail, let her derail. A big part of her path, is her growth. And that’s without your involvement.

Remember her path/pain has very little to do with you. When she is telling you things, she doesn’t really want to hear about your stuff or views. She is trying to work her own stuff out. She doesn’t have the bandwidth for you (or anyone else) at the moment.

A truth dart here and there can be useful. However, as best you can, remain silent. Do not place her back on the rails. Do not correct her on misunderstood legal processes. And definitely, do not correct her regarding her feelings. Listen and - if/when you can - respond with prompting or follow up questions/conversation.

It’s a thin line sometimes - no R talks. Letting her talk is different. Usually LBS are too hurt and attached to just listen and gather information. And their ego get involved and the conversation gets confrontational. If she wants to talk, especially with IHS and actually questioning divorce (not attacking you), let her. It likely won’t happen that often. And don’t tip your hand about what you know.

I am determined to continue to better myself. I am standing for the marriage, but will be great either way.

Good. It’s a path you were thrust upon, and yet, a golden opportunity. Continue to make the most of it.

D