Divorce immediately after marriage

[LH19]

Having plans show her you’re busy have a life and are not waiting around for her to change her mind. That makes you someone of value. That’s not pushing her away.

You go to this dinner 100% she will kick you in the nuts metaphorically speaking.

[BL42]

We agreed to have a dinner soon.

When you say "we"...who initiated the dinner plans? Did you ask or did she? And if you asked, was she eager and enthusiastic or tentative and reluctant?

[TellMeSo]

Having plans show her you’re busy have a life and are not waiting around for her to change her mind. That makes you someone of value. That’s not pushing her away.

You go to this dinner 100% she will kick you in the nuts metaphorically speaking.

But how are you supposed to talk if I am pretending to be always busy? I've rejected dinner two times already due to other commitments. I am busy most of the time these days due to meetings with friends/travelling/work commitments. Can't think of a day these past two weeks that I just spent lying in bed/sofa doing nothing.

We agreed to have a dinner soon.

When you say "we"...who initiated the dinner plans? Did you ask or did she? And if you asked, was she eager and enthusiastic or tentative and reluctant?

Well I mentioned that it would be interesting to go for a dinner several weeks ago, but did not push her to accept it and even forgot about it. Last week she brought it up herself and asked me when we should go for it. No reluctance.

She was "eager" to learn about my future plans when I briefly mentioned them.

[DnJ]

Good Morning T

But how are you supposed to talk if I am pretending to be always busy?

It’s not pretending to be busy. It’s being busy.


It sounds like you already agreed to these dinner plans. Therefore, I’d go. It would be worse to cancel, in that she’d likely fuel her justifications further.

Is W still living with her parents?

My understanding of this “dinner date” is she proposed it and you accepted. This is good. She pursued you. And yes, things won’t get better without talking. However, let her lead the conversation. See what is on her agenda, instead of you telling her about your’s.

Why not have it? My aim is not to fully push her away until we resolve the issues one way or another.

A few reasons. “Have at it” is rather confrontational. That mindset and action will likely push her away.

“Until we resolve the issues”. “One way or another”. More confrontational thinking/feeling. Confrontation begets confrontation.

Your stated aim is to not push her away. Good. So don’t.

I do not understand what you meant by fully push her away. (Fully push vs push.) “Fully” has an ultimatum sound to it. Not a useful stance to take at this juncture with what you’ve shared with us.

What if she is not ready to resolve things? What is are the “issues” according to her? You certainly cannot fix her. And you don’t know her valid thoughts and feelings regarding whatever she has issue with.

Proceed with an open mind. Put your thoughts and conclusions of what is wrong on hold, and listen to what she has to say. And realize you are not going to resolve your situation over dinner. Just listen and enjoy the meal. And hopefully the company too.

T, she asked you to dinner. Go slow, and find out why she did.

D

[Ready2Change]

It’s not pretending to be busy. It’s being busy.

You are wasting a huge opportunity if you are pretending to be busy.

Chat openAI:

"Best way to be busy and productive"

Here are a few tips for staying busy and productive:

Make a to-do list: Write down the tasks you need to accomplish and prioritize them.

Set goals: Identify what you want to achieve and create a plan to reach your goals.

Take breaks: It's important to take short breaks throughout the day to recharge and avoid burnout.

Eliminate distractions: Minimize distractions by closing unnecessary tabs, turning off notifications, and finding a quiet place to work.

Use time management techniques: Techniques such as the Pomodoro Technique and time blocking can help you stay focused and on task.

Stay organized: Keep your work space and digital files organized to help you stay on top of your tasks.

Stay motivated: Find ways to stay motivated and engaged in your work. This can include setting rewards for reaching goals or finding a way to make your work more enjoyable.

Prioritize self-care: To be productive, you must be in good physical and mental shape. Don't forget to eat well, sleep enough and exercise regularly.

Proceed with an open mind. Put your thoughts and conclusions of what is wrong on hold, and listen to what she has to say. And realize you are not going to resolve your situation over dinner. Just listen and enjoy the meal. And hopefully the company too.

she asked you to dinner. Go slow, and find out why she did.

This is all about you listening. You can initiate small talk. This is not a romantic encounter. Hopefully you have some new behaviors and skills that she may notice. She should be pleasantly surprised by this. She has a mental picture of who you are. All the little things that caused her resentment to build that you don't like should be noticeably missing. If you typically interrupted her, pushed your own narrative or agenda ect...clean up your side of the street. Do not try and sell yourself. Do not divulge your thoughts or plans for the future. Vauge is good at this stage. "I am not sure" or "I haven't thought about that yet" etc.


Again you should be as busy AF. I would have plans (just for you) for after dinner. Do not linger. "I got something important I need to take care off. Thanks for sharing. See ya"

[BL42]

TellMeSo,

If she's the one initiating the dinner plans, has asked a few times, and followed up after you've been busy with friends/traveling/work, than maybe it makes sense to go.

Typically what we see here is LBSs asking WAS/WSs to do MC and to spend time together and to go on dates in an attempt to keep them close and work on things and not lose them...even though the WAS/WS is reluctant and doesn't really want to do it and even if they agree put in a half-hearted effort and make it clear they don't want to be there. That is pressure and pursuit which is not recommended here. Instead you want to give freedom and space...even more space than they want.

But...if your W is pursuing, than you also don't want to slam the door in her face.

What you need to do - and this is much easier said than done for the LBS - is to go into this dinner with ZERO expectations of any progress from W on the marital front. Keep it light. Keep it fun, and cheery, and playful. Make it seem like you're completely happy with the current direction and excited by life and make her wonder why. R2C has great advice on this side of things, here and in others' threads. Do NOT go in all serious and committed to trying to prove to her why she should stay. Now, that's also easier said than done when you're reeling and fearful of a potential D.

If you go in with expectations, and with an attitude that you're hurt by the situation, and with the goal to R talk and pressure and logic her into a "fix" of the situation than to LH's point you're likely going leave with a metaphorical kick.

[Kind18]

But how are you supposed to talk if I am pretending to be always busy?

You’re not. No-one has EVER talked their WAS/WS out of divorce.

Trying to talk them back into the relationship is a waste of time. If it was that easy, everyone here would have done it. If it was that easy, you could have talked her out of it before she got to this point.

Think of it like getting a first date. Walk up to a woman, tell her how great you are, how she would be a fool to date anyone else and beg her to go out for dinner … and she’s going to run in the opposite direction. But if you just be yourself, confident, outgoing, mysterious and seem completely uninterested in her - she will suddenly be interested.

You can’t talk your spouse back into a relationship. You can only be happy, confident, unaffected and aloof - and maybe she will wonder what she’s losing and want to peer back in.

I guarantee any discussion that even remotely touches or goes near the subject of your marriage is going to be the final nail in the coffin.

Now you’re committed to go, I agree that you can’t cancel and should go.

I’d arrive 10 mins late, over dressed, and wearing NEW aftershave - not the one she buys for you or you know is her favourite. I’d be confident, happy and even a bit flirty with the waitress. Tell your wife all about your gym and exercise program, and all the GAL things you’ve been busy doing. Tell her about a holiday you’re planning - like a singles cruise, or a hiking or skiing holiday. And then I’d leave early “Thanks for dinner, glad to see you’re so happy! I’ve got to run, I’m going to watch the baseball game with some mates!”

And then leave. Do NOT wait for her to end it.

Make yourself a prize. Not a begging, desperate guy waiting around for her.

And don’t make another dinner date or agree to anything. Your gut instinct and everything in your brain that is telling you to talk to her and spend more time around her is wrong.

[Ready2Change]

I’d arrive 10 mins late, over dressed, and wearing NEW aftershave - not the one she buys for you or you know is her favorite. I’d be confident, happy and even a bit flirty with the waitress. Tell your wife all about your gym and exercise program, and all the GAL things you’ve been busy doing. Tell her about a holiday you’re planning - like a singles cruise, or a hiking or skiing holiday. And then I’d leave early “Thanks for dinner, glad to see you’re so happy! I’ve got to run, I’m going to watch the baseball game with some mates!” And then leave. Do NOT wait for her to end it.

This is great advise. It is the bare minimum of what you need to to.

The key is not being the old you. You are now a more happy, confident, attractive, sexy (and not boring) version of you. Do not be cocky about your GAL. I lean more toward the mysterious, ie not too many details. You want her wondering what you are up to. Give too many details and she does not have to use her imagination and loses interest.

If you are normally focused on her, definitely give attention to the staff. Small talk goes a long way. Can you make the waiter or the busboy laugh? The hostess? Another customer waiting to be seated?

Don't be boring.

Good luck! We wish you well.

[TellMeSo]

Thanks everyone!

Dinner went well. I was always positive and shining, she was showing positive emotions as well. We even laughed a couple of times, discussed memories and briefly touched our relationship. She even agreed and confirmed that all of our problems could be fixed. But she is not willing to put in the effort / she is afraid that nothing will change.

We ended it on a good note.

Now, this week is complete opposite. I called her once and she was angry and mad at me. Even in our small communication I felt her want to push me as far away as possible. I could say that her voice tone, words and actions changed dramatically since last week.

Yet, this is not the first time. Sometimes she is writing positive messages with smiles, sometimes its completely opposite and no real response/avoidance. As if its two different persons, on two different occasions. Sometimes she is asking how I am doing with curious and deep questions, sometimes she is trying to show that she does not care.

These days I am just trying to be positive and maintain calm in our communication.

She seems sad and completely tired of everything. At first it was only me, now she is saying similar things about her job as well. Perhaps she just wants to "quit" her current life and build a better tomorrow.

[Ready2Change]

she is afraid that nothing will change.

That is my fear as well. Most new posters do not make the right changes fast enough. They also do not keep the changes. They are making changes to manipulate their spouse.

One change that I strongly suggest is to not let her emotional state effect yours. You seem to be focused on her fluctuating state. 180 and do not worry about her emotional state. Let her be however she needs to be. You be content 100% of the time.