Stuck in limbo V

[BL42]

Doug54,

BL, what do you think happened to your wife? Like, was she not on the young side for MLC? Trying to recall what I read in your threads.

I've obviously spent a good amount of time thinking about this question over the last nearly 3 years and honestly don't think I'll ever truly know the answer.

At BD I was 38 and ExW was 35. In fact, I'd thrown her a 35th birthday party with family and friends just a few months earlier. Is that on the young side of a traditional MLC? I guess.

My son was 4 and my daughter 1...a toddler not far removed from breastfeeding. We had just gotten back from a Disney vacation with the kids which seemed to go fairly well; we'd also spent a weekend away at a lakeside resort for our 6th wedding anniversary prior in the Fall.

Were we perfect? Of course not. We had some disagreements on the kids mainly on sweets and screen time (I tended to be more conservative there, but hardly a drill sergeant), but rarely fought. I now understand she's probably one to internalize the issues rather than address them. We definitely lost some priority on our relationship with the very young children and both work commitments. I take some blame there with a new management job and not picking up head up and planning things out in advance, but we were also hardly the first married couple to have to scramble with work and young kids...and I was/am a very involved helpful father. I was actually asking her to spend more time together, to work less (she wanted to go from part-time to full-time, which I guess was a red flag) and spend less time with her friends so we could do more together.

Anyway...we had two beautiful kids, a nice house in a desired neighborhood (which I kept), great family support, good jobs, plenty of money saved up, lots of vacations all over the country and the world...etc. No "major" issues like abuse, or gambling, or drugs, or cheating (until she did). But then, I've learned here that it's not at all unusual "nothing that bad" is reported. I thought we were above average; certainly there are far worse marriages out there that "make it".

So to me in my mind we had a pretty good life and the disagreements were minor things that every couple deals with and we should work through as a married couple and family. Obviously in her mind they were far more serious that she'd have an affair, split up our family, and divorce me over.

One thing I wondered about was she'd just stopped breastfeeding and then stopped her ADs/Anti-anxiety meds which she'd been on for nearly 2 decades, so thought hormones' and body chemistry might've been a factor.

But honestly? I think the biggest factor was the differing model of relationships we both had. My parents are married 4+ decades whereas hers were each married 3 times and her mom had affairs including on her dad and broke up their marriage when she was a teenager which led to her going to counseling for many years and getting put on meds for a decade and a half before we met. I've learned she has a habit of abruptly cutting folks out of her life. She once told me I broke her down to a 0 with the mental abuse, which at the time I couldn't understand at all and spun thinking maybe I did, but now - even though there are times I go back and forth and wonder if I'm to blame and feel guilty about the kids' situation and wonder what others think - but for the most part I accept that she was broken before we met and I can't fix her.

Not that I was perfect. I could've relaxed more on the kids, finances, been less critical, planned out more romantic dates...etc., but suspect she would've gotten just as unhappy with someone else as me. If I'm being honest part of my wonder of OM2 and their relationship is if they'll hit the same cliff we did, as that would validate me a little to say "see, it wasn't all me"...but I know I shouldn't dwell on that.

Anyway, who knows. Like I said, I'll never have a 100% bullet proof "answer" to "what happened". It doesn't matter now...all the king's horses and all the king's men...

Probably more info than you wanted with your question lol but you got me thinking about my sitch again, coming up on 3 years since BD. Hope that helped.