Now, it seems that she wants to shake things up heavily. She has booked several impulsive vacation trips which is quite unusual for her and seems to be running away whenever opportunity arises. Also, made several big purchases in a span of a month. Lost a lot of weight naturally.
One day she is stating that she is tired from everything, especially her work. Another day she is saying that she has never been as delighted and positive as right now. One day we have normal conversation and she even hugs me/initiates contact herself. The next time she is cold and avoids me.
I’d happily wager $50 she is having an affair. I’m sorry to say so 🤷♂️ but that’s just the reality here.
It may be any number of things - an ex that was taken when you got married and is now available, a co-worker, she may be questioning her sexuality… the possibilities are endless.
Most importantly, realise there’s NOTHING you can do to wake her up. Any thing you do, say, threaten, offer or suggest will actually push her away.
The advice you’ve been given has been spot on. The only chance you have is to happily agree and walk away from her with a huge smile on your face. You want her to think you’re excited about being single!
I’m sorry you’re here. This is hard to deal with at any age, but in your late twenties having only just got married it would be very difficult.
In 10 year’s time, you’ll look back on this as a blessing - especially because you hadn't had children together yet.
Be strong, calm, emotionless, happy and let it all go. Imagine you’re a cork floating on the ocean in the middle of a storm. Once the storm passes, you’ll still be there, happily floating along.
As for emotionless, I would spin it more as not letting her emotional state effect your emotional state. You should always project calm and content, no matter what caos is around you. You are the rock in the storm.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
What exactly are the key points for you to make an assumption she is cheating? It would be interesting to hear your perspective.
Your opening post.
Originally Posted by TellMeSo
things took a negative turn in recent months.
something has changed. She became colder and colder
she decided to leave our home (living together for 4+ years).
She is stating that she lost her feelings and will not get them back.
That I am the wrong person for her and she does not love my anymore.
She told me that trying to save our marriage will change nothing and she is 100% confident in divorce.
she has been saying that we should divorce and that the marriage was a mistake.
I asked several times to work on our issues and to solve them together, but she is refusing
She is refusing couples therapy
She just wants to find "herself"
She is telling me that her life is great apart our relationship,
her close relatives are stating that she is different
She has booked several impulsive vacation trips which is quite unusual for her
seems to be running away whenever opportunity arises.
Also, made several big purchases in a span of a month. Lost a lot of weight naturally.
The next time she is cold and avoids me.
Others posters in the past have written very similar words. They all claim that there is not another person involved. After a certain amount of time passes, they will post "You all were right" I found out my spouse has been cheating this whole time.
I hope you are the exception, but we try to prepare the posters that the probability is high that there is someone.
This is my canned statement: As far as your spouse, until you have enough info to prove this wrong, assume there is another person (Hint: This is your first 180). Do not reveal anything about what you know and how you found out. "We both know that is a lie." is a great way to deal with any deception.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
TellMeSo, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's an awful situation.
My H said very similar things at BD and at first I didn't even consider the possibility of infidelity. But I soon read and heard that I should brace myself for it, that it's very common for there to be someone else when a spouse behaves this way. H wasn't cagey with his phone or computer but his mood swings and refusal to work on the marriage and claims to want to be "alone" and "grow as a person" all fit with the wayward spouse script. He was adamant that there was nothing I could do or say to change his mind. And sure enough, when I thought about it a bit more, I soon came up with a suspect for OW, and I learned two weeks ago that I was correct (and also that there is now a OW2). It's horrible to hear even when you prepare yourself for it. But I imagine it would worse if you don't.
It is a really painful thing to even think about, I know. But can you think of anyone W might be talking to? A coworker, someone from her past, a "friend"?
And honestly, whatever the reason - she's already showing you that she's not a reliable person to base your future on. You're young, and life is relatively easy, and yet she's doing this. She's not open to therapy or counseling to try to save things or examine why she's feeling the way she is. Let's say for example, that you reconcile. How do you think things will go 10 or 20 years from now when you have a child with a life-threatening illness, or a major financial problem, or she freaks out about aging and has a midlife crisis? Or you become ill or develop a chronic disease?
One of the great things about marriage is having a partnership where you help each other get through crises like these. And she's already showing you that when times are tough (in this case the loss in her family?) she pulls away, not together.
I'd say she's a poor bet for your future. If you DO reconcile, don't take her back without her getting a lot of therapy and both of you getting couples therapy - that's the biggest mistake I made with my ex. And getting some individual therapy for yourself right now might help you uncover the red flags you ignored in this relationship.
kml, your words really hit home for me. It's something I've been told multiple times regarding my H, but seeing it addressed to a different situation some how makes it sink deeper. TellMeSo, we are roughly the same age (I'm early 30s), and it may very well be that our spouses blowing up our lives this early on before the going gets truly tough is a blessing in disguise. We deserve partners that have the fortitude and maturity to stick with us through the tough times.
Perhaps it's just details but after being in somewhat limited contact lately she has shown more interest in my life. Asking questions about my work, my meetings with friends, post-work activities, future and other matters as well as responding in a generally friendly manner. I can definitely feel that she is not as cold as she used to be.
We agreed to have a dinner soon. She still have not taken any real action towards divorce except and we avoided any relationship discussions lately.
Should I consider this a positive sign and healthy progress or I could just be reading between the lines too much? Obviously I am trying to maintain cool and stay on my own course to become better regardless of changes in her behavior.
