I can feel W questioning things right now. She has been teetering between acting the same as she has for the past 8 months (man, time has flown by) and checking if I'm still a viable backup plan if the fantasy life she is seeking falls apart. Some examples:
Last weekend she asked me if I'd ever ask her to marry me again. I got caught off guard and responded with “that’s a pretty heavy question” and shifted to something else.
She came up behind me and hugged me while I was washing dishes and asked why I wouldn't hug her. I said I had to go get my laundry and left the room.
Multiple times she has cheerfully asked if I needed anything, another thing she hasn’t cared about for months. It feels like when a waitress is overly happy with you and you know it’s fake.
The other day she dropped an ILY multiple times in a joking manner, like she was waiting for me to say ILY too. She was trying to gauge my reaction. I don't think she has said this since probably May. It's been so long I don't even remember. Again, I was caught off guard and just didn’t respond.
She is doing this while simultaneously doing even more of the opposite than usual. She has gotten more visibly angry when she has gotten upset about something. She went out T and W to “hang out with a friend” who she mentioned by name to D18 (It’s a different person than OM who I don’t know), multiple times this week she has asked D18 her thoughts about W going on dates. Yesterday she asked D18 to take care of D6 this morning because she was going out and had no plans of coming home. This isn’t new as she goes out every weekend and “stays at her gf’s house”, but I had to work today so I wasn’t going to be home when D6 woke up. I know she’s lying about where she’s staying and I’ve accepted it as a lie for several months now. All of this in addition to her meeting with a court facilitator to move forward with D.
This whole thing has felt like a rollercoaster, but the past week it’s like the peaks and drops are more extreme. I don’t think my reaction to any of it has changed though. My reaction to the peaks has been keeping my mouth shut and finding something else to do. I’ve ignored the drops, other than making sure D18 was okay.
I’m proud of how I’ve handled things without getting emotional one way or another. Part of me is starting to get excited about the possibilities that lie ahead for my future. But another part of me expects W to crash at some point, likely months to years after we split and it’s hard trying to decide if it’s worth waiting to see if/when that happens. I know I have to ignore it because it’s out of my control.
