Going dark feels like pressure

[Bat]

Hello B

I’m not sure what you mean, his past r with me or before me?

I’m referring to the past relationship dynamics that are stirring up the present emotional troubles within him. That is before you even knew him. Basically from his parents. Those teen years he is exhibiting.

He did say he feels 15 again and not in a fun way, but in a way he needs to make up for all the rejection he felt this period of his life.

H needs a do over for this time in his life. He did not get to build proper emotional mechanisms and coping strategies for life’s storms and problems. Life happens, H gets overwhelmed, and he goes off the deep end.

It’s uncanny how these emotionally troubled folks will recreate their traumatic events of their childhood. In this case, H needs to rebel against his parent(s). He has crafted his OW into that parental role. One can see how much control he has given OW. In time, and with some fortuitous karmic fate, he will rebel against her. And in doing so, he will grow up. His trouble isn’t really about needing a child. That’s just another symptom/sign.

It’s strange that 14 years with me didn’t make up for that.

Not at all. You didn’t break him. So you can’t fix him.

H, for a lot of the present, is emotionally back to when he was 15. Some interesting things happen when someone is “living” in the past so fully. H didn’t know you when he was 15. You and he were not married when he was 15. So, now, present day, emotionally, when all consumed and being 15, he doesn’t feel anything towards or about you. He knows you. Just doesn’t feel it. And that mixed up, confused view of his shows through.

H is a troubled soul. His pain and journey started long before he ever met you, and has basically nothing do with you or the last 14 years.

And not tell him but show him i am not waiting but moving on with my life.

Absolutely. Yes.

Move forward with your life. Do your inner work. Become the best version of yourself - Bat2.0!

D

Thank you for this. I do still feel like analysing helps me a lot to understand. I’ve been reading on the mlc board and found this;

So little is really known about MLC - apart from having the almost universal denominator of a seriously strange upbringing together with a personality that does not cope well with failure or change (probably because their upbringing didn't give them coping skills.

This is also what you are saying.

After BD he did mention he needed a do over for his teen years. We read somewhere that in your teens you start to explore what kind of partner you want and you try with different people. Sexually and emotionally. He didn’t have this period, he had cancer and right after that a gf who cheated on him. Then he was exploring online with girls from all over the world, but never really met up with any of them, started to like … girls and then he met me and stayed with me until now. So this period was never really experienced and closed. This is why I said go ahead sleep with her he was convinced he would close it afterwards. But he’s not done yet, hopefully soon and hopefully we can fix what is broken.

What surprises me is that you said H puts OW in the parental role and needs to rebel against her. I thought he would be rebelling against me. To take away this pressure i tell him you are free to do what you want. To others this may come across as being a doormat but I think it helps. I don’t ask where he is going or who’s texting etc. Yesterday he was sending me his location so I knew where he was. I thought this was a strange action. I am at other side of the world now, I know he’s about to dive into a r with ow and to move out. Why would you want me to know where you are?. I ignored it, didn’t even say don’t need to know, but laughed about it.