Going dark feels like pressure

[Bat]

Bat, I hear you defending H a lot even though he's treating you poorly. I see you accepting this poor treatment but it's still HIS fault that he's behaving this way. He's the one making these hurtful choices. I don't think it was manipulative of you to ask him whether he will come back.

Just because he says he isn't happy, or even "heartbroken," doesn't mean he can just do whatever he wants. You are in a relationship and your needs matter too, Bat. I still think he's being manipulative. And he's gaslighting you because he's trying to normalize his cheating and possibly even have a child (!!!!!) with OW. The idea of using OW as a baby-maker so he can have a mixed-race child is so messed in so many ways. It's also delusional that he thinks having a child in this way would somehow earn him the respect of others. Bat, why do you want to be with a person who treats women like this?

If it told the story another way, that he found someone else and fell in love, and had to leave me also because I can’t have kids and he wants a family, then people would be supportive to him. Understanding that he wants a child. And if then after let’s say 1-2-3 years he would come back to me, also people would understand and think it’s romantic. But by being honest about it that this outcome is a possible script, then suddenly it’s messed up. I am the one pushing and outing these endless scripts and scenarios. He prefers to just “see what the future will bring”. I just know him and all of his dark thoughts too well.
Why I think the most likely scenario is no happily ever after with OW? A) he nevers expressed this, always talks about coming back to me, or staying with her for maybe a year and then move on alone if I don’t want him back or moving on to OW2 b) I know the stress and responsibility of a child is too much for him. He needs her to “pull the wagon” and be mainly responsible for dealing with things like school, financial and social things. I am not able to pull the wagon and that’s why it’s better for the two of us not to have a child. He would love to be a weekend dad, doing mainly the fun things and leave daily responsibility to her. This is not being lazy, there are reasons why we both are not able to do this in a normal way.

I am the one being open about this possibility, H wants it but knows it’s not ethical to use her as a baby maker and doesn’t want to say things like this out loud. She is not the innocent little girl looking for love. She was on international dating sites, talked and met up with several men from “first world countries”. She traveled to usa to see where she would like to live and had a well thought plan including climate, job, housing. She even applied for a green card. H seems to be plan b, as usa didn’t work out and a guy from down under didn’t either. Also her social media suggests she tried before. She’s almost 40, so a child would be her last chance too. So she would benefit from the situation more, in fulfilling her dream of moving to Europe and last chance at a child.

H would be a very good weekend father and give everything. It’s only hurting himself that responsibility for financial things is hard, he would never leave his child or hurt it in any way.