What does it matter what he says? Is he a trustworthy person right now? He also said he’d get it out of his system once and then re-engage on marriage counselling. How did that work out for you? WS say anything to make hard conversations go away. I wouldn’t trust anything he says.
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Why do you think this?
Why do I think he’s many years away from waking up, if he does at all? That requires a fairly lengthy answer.
My divorce situation, which was remarkably similar to everyone else who lands here, has led me down a path where I now have a great interest in the psychology behind separation and divorce.
While lots of people bond on this website over similarities in the behaviour of crazy spouses (MLC, childhood trauma, blowing up their lives, affair partner after affair partner, swinging wildly from “this will never work” to “I want to make this work”)…. I find even more interest in the similarity of the types of people that arrive on this board.
Inevitably, there’s a large percentage of new arrivals here who fit a fairly standard mould - medium term relationship (10-20 years), mid thirties to mid fifties, people who have strong convictions about the sanctity of marriage … and people who, generally, are fixers and peacekeepers who feel incredibly uncomfortable at the prospect of life change.
Generally, they appear at this website with their first post, seemingly baffled that their partner has ended up walking away from the marriage. Then there’s the inevitable affairs (that they all strenuously deny at first), then there’s the short term embracing of DB principles (such as going dark) to try and push their partner to re-engage in the relationship, but often they only last a week or two on these strategies before cracking.
By far the most common theme I see here, is LBS who arrive with an over-inflated opinion of the goodness of their spouse. They’ll even make excuses for their spouse’s behaviour. “She couldn’t possibly be having an affair.” “We were a happy little family until OW blew it up.” “His behaviour isn’t really him, it’s rooted in MLC, or grief, or childhood trauma.” Or in your case “He just needed to get it out of his system, but underneath I still believe he’s a good person.”
The LBS (like you and me) and their passive behaviours over many years trying to keep everything the same, worsens the power balance in the relationship. So when the ticking time bomb finally explodes, the LBS thinks they just have to fix or pacify their WS even more than before to get the relationship back on the rails. That’s what’s worked previously, right?
The cold, harsh reality is that most likely, the old, nice person that you think is hiding under the affair or depression or MLC, was never really there in the first place.
In your case, your husband isn’t a great family guy with good morals who just needed to knock out a few foreign ladies to quench some sickening thirst. He’s actually been that person all along. So when you come here going “Will this affair just last a few months, I’m sure he’ll want to get back with me eventually” - I’m hugely sceptical.
Part of the the problem is that you can’t see this objectively, because you’ve built a life with this person and have spent 10+ years thinking that he’s someone he is not.
Sometimes, it can help if you re-frame it by looking from the outside in. I want you to do this exercise: Imagine your best friend and her husband. She takes you out for coffee, and sits you down and says:
1. Her husband started moving away from the relationship 2. At MC, she eventually agreed her husband could have sex once with someone else. 3. He promised to re-engage with MC straight after. 4. He has some sort of sick sexual pre-disposition or fantasy about women of a certain ethnicity 5. Once he got his way, he immediately back flipped and continues to sleep with other women.
What would you say to her? If she asked you if you thought it likely he would snap out of it in a few months and come running back 100% committed to the marriage, what would you say?
His behaviour is not suggestive of some sort of short term wobble. It’s suggestive of serious, long term character flaws and perhaps addictions which would likely take many years to fix, and only if he truly wanted to do something about it.
How’s your sleeping, exercising, GAL going?
It’s important you get into some IC asap. Do you have medical insurance? Or an employer EAP? Or live in a country where you can get government funded access to counselling?
I’m a bit worried about you stating you have no friends other than him. We will be your friends while you work on that 😁
I apologise for my scepticism, and it would make me very happy to be proven wrong when he comes crawling back in a month or two begging for your forgiveness. I’m really hopeful Bat that you come out the other side of this a better and stronger human. I have everything crossed for you that it works out for the best, no matter the outcome.
