There are plenty of people, even including ICs, that subscribe to a more dump ‘em and move on outlook. Your IC’s suggestion of digging for more details even when not legally useful is troublesome, IMHO. Pressuring H is likely to rile him up and make potential divorce negotiations worse. Her instance, and shifting of gears when it became non-useful legally, displays her bias towards non divorce busting methodology.
Originally Posted by marching
She reiterated that even if it isn't useful for the legal strategy, it would still be good for me to ask for details so that I can get the full picture of who H is. Otherwise, I'd be in denial of his betrayal. By knowing the full extent of his betrayal, it will be easier to drop him. This suggestion came about because I admitted that I miss the old H and still have a tiny bit of hope that he might "wake up" in the distant future. (I did also say that despite having this hope, I'm making decisions for the future assuming that he won't be in it.)
I do not believe you are stuck in denial. Sheesh, does this IC even listen to you.
I’d drop her.
Don’t let anyone extinguish your hope!
Those who have lost their hope, work to get others to their way of thinking. Like somehow having more “hope-less” disciples who believe the dump ‘em philosophy strengthens their position. That’s a terrible foundation to grow upon or seek forgiveness from. And it certainly limits any divorcing busting/reconciliation likelihood.
Hope is timeless. Hope is possibilities. Hope is an incredible wellspring of strength and fortitude. Of course, hope is a core value of mine. A motivation. A belief in the possible.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
As a means of showing H that I'm not dragging things along, I gave him a "carrot" as my DB coach calls it, telling him about my decision re: which country to D in. I also said that an additional step must be taken that his L didn't mention. This additional step may require hiring yet another lawyer in yet another city. H seems frustrated.
I am noticing a pattern. H does not seem to have done his due diligence regarding D. Just now, for the second time, he asked me a basic legal question that he could easily Google the answer to. Is it too aggressive to tell him that he could look up this information himself? Or tell him the answer?
Or a combination of both? "I believe it is like this, but perhaps it's best if you look into it, too."
This is his D, he should be doing the heavy lifting. Just Google it!
It almost feels like when we were together and he'd ask me where X was in the fridge instead of opening the containers to check for himself. That was annoying then, and it's even more so now that he's firing me as his wife and still expecting this type of assistance.
I guess what the vets say here about WAS's being lazy about D is proving to be true. H pressured me about D the past two months and during that time did very little research on it.
I'm not trying to help him, nor do I want to. I want to respond assertively that he should figure these things out for himself. But still keep things civil.
My goal is to get a fair settlement and to keep my dignity and sanity in tact. That would include doing things on a timeline that is reasonable for me.
I would like to keep the door open for reconciliation, but I know if that were to ever happen, that would be a long, long time from now.
Lol. Good point. I got myself into this situation because last time we had contact, I told H I'd reach out after I talked to an L. I said that to get him off my case, because he was repeatedly asking me about next steps even after I explained that I have other stuff to figure out first and he said he understood. DB coach said that in these situations, when someone keeps pressuring about D, it's worth trying to run a little faster than them because it could make them pause and rethink things a little. Hence the "carrot." Given them a little something while you adjust your bearings before they push you first. Just something to try.
I do see what you're getting at. I'm still operating from a place of fear.
