Going dark feels like pressure

[Bat]

When you feel emotionally ok to do this, I think it'd be really useful to reflect on the questions that BL42 posted re: comparison of your previous marriage to your current one.

Well, one of the things he finds really hard is when I say things like “I heard this before in my past”. He feels like someone else broke me and he now he is responsible for fixing everything. The first years of our relationship he didn’t want me to talk about it at all. Be the last few years he started to realise he was 20 years old when we met and to young to deal with it, and that I should talk about it.

I do sometimes think about my own behaviour in both relationships. I see a lot of fixing when I think about it. But that relationship was nothing compared to this one. Yes i was married. And with H I’m not officially married but this feels like my marriage the former one was a relationship i got pulled in. I was still very attached to my mum back then, and did more with her than with him. He had a very old fashioned way of thinking I should do everything in the house and not want to work or learn anything. With H I really want him, love him and he still is my best friend. MLC made him run away from me.

Also this x didn’t want to share anything with me, he preferred his friends, and he was not attracted to me, he liked another bodytype. This sounds similar to H wanting a.. woman, but it’s not because I know H is really attracted to me, he tells and shows me this. That’s why I don’t really buy the “a need an .. woman”. OW certainly does not have the body type he likes, she’s skinny and he doesn’t like that he only likes the eyes.

And it had to be a woman from a specific part of the world, that was his dream.

This is so gross. Wtf. I REALLY do not like this. Has he always had this fantasy or is this a new thing? I'm sorry, but I really question the character of this guy. Sounds like he has some serious issues with objectifying and using women that go beyond his current identity crisis.

You certainly have a point here. Not in character because this is just a small part of who he is, and he knows it’s wrong. I know it’s MLC because I saw a side of him that really is not who he is. The anger. It even scares him sometimes. And for the only time in 14 years not putting me and my interests at one.

Objectification is a problem with roots in porn. He told me that before he met me (he was 19-20 when we met), he thought that every woman wants to have sex all the time, and every situation e.g work or supermarket or whatever can lead to sex in a split second. In my previous job I traveled a lot, and he would have images in his head of me stepping in an elevator, looking in someone eyes and bammm from that to sex in a few seconds. All of this because of what he saw in porn. I’m not a psychologist but I think his relationship before me and the relationship of his parents had a lot to do with it. His former gf didn’t want to sleep with him she wasn’t ready (14-17 years old during that relationship). He felt rejected by that. We spoke about this a lot and he understands now she was so young. But the cruel part is that she didn’t want to sleep with HIM. She cheated on him, even with his own brother (by sending naked pictures of herself). And there were rumours of her sleeping with other guys.

When he met OW online on a international friendship site, he became this 15 year old boy again. Wondering if this object of his fantasy could be interested in him. One image said; porn, she wants it from whoever offers it to her, other image said; she only wants it from someone with a better body than mine. It was an EA but a very childish one, wondering about what a heart or a kiss could mean. Being jealous about likes on social media, only talking about fun things. She’s 39 but never had a serious relationship so that clicked with this reliving of being 15 years old.
H acknowledges this. To be honest we spoke a lot about why, how, if from june-oct. After that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Then the “this is just how i am” started, comparing it to being gay. I’m not completely sure but I think this is to justify that it’s really not that deep, but just something that makes him feel good at this moment and he can’t let go.

Could this going back to being 15, be a sign of MLC? Because I read puberty and MLC are similar and some H who have children that age start to copy behaviour. God that must be awful haha having an adolescent and a MLC H in the house.

Another reason why he can be stuck in this age is that he had cancer age 13-14. It was short but still gave him the realisation of mortality. Since then he always had the idea that his body was inferior than others. That he should be slimmer, fitter etc. I’ve heard him saying he was in the body of a 80 year old and that he probably would die young, 50-60. That’s also why I think it’s MLC although he is a bit young. If he thinks he will not be older than 60, then yes he is halfway.

More about objectification, his father would watch porn not when he was around but would record it or leave tracks at the family computer. And his father would speak about his mother as being dum and stupid, and in fights giving her silent treatment for weeks. She on the other hand would not respect boundaries and continue seeing people he had problems with. I have thought about this a lot, and she should be free to see whoever she wants, but the way she did it was very disrespectful. Not talking about it just doing it even if it hurts him. So they didn’t treat each other with a lot of respect but are still “together”.

Then there is the big question how does he see me? I think mainly as his best friend. But also his home. And the one that turns him on the most of all and who he can both have sex with and make love to. Sexual there have been years when this was a problem. I knew he had this objectification way of thinking, he would call women who looked sexy sluts. So I struggled with sexuality because I didn’t want to be like that, someone who can’t be trusted because she wants sex all the time. This was a few years into our R. Then it became slow also because of energy levels and medical problems. After medical problems were solved for me it got better, he still thought i just didn’t like him. After the BD this totally changed and we really found each other back in this area.
A few weeks back we sat in the bathtub together and we had a good R talk. I asked what do you feel for her? He said she just makes me calm, when I look in het eyes everything is ok. I then asked what do you feel for me? He said, love, security, familiarity, feeling at ease and feeling I can really be myself, and then he broke down in tears saying; passion.

So how can I believe he is really gone? Falling in love with her and letting me go because he needs to move on? That’s what most people would say but I came to this board because I think here are people who understand I don’t want to let go. I can do my own thing for a while yes, even if it takes years.