Going dark feels like pressure

[Bat]

Bat,

What are your ages? Do you have any children together and/or from a previous relationship?

I’m 41 he is 34. No children.

In short, met 14 years ago when I was in an abusive marriage.

You met while married? What specifically was abusive about your previous marriage?

My ex abused me physically and emotionally.

Fell in love, I became a WAS and never looked back.

What would you ExH say about it?

The moment I said there is OM and I’m out his family took control of the situation and pulled him away. That was for the best in this situation it was also to protect me. They didn’t know about the hitting and protected me by keeping him away.

To name a few, relationship with his family was difficult, my mum had serious health problems, jobs were too stressful for us, we bought a house and responsibility for that was a huge deal for him, his grandfather died and we witnessed him passing away. This was before 2020 when [censored] really hit the fan, in feb in a few days-weeks I had a miscarriage, burnout, my mum had a stroke, our dog a tumor and oh yeah there was a global pandemic which resulted in losing my job a had for 12 years.

That's a lot for sure. Why was the relationship with his family difficult? Sorry to hear about the miscarriage...that's really tough. Were things good between the two of you when you got pregnant?

It had a lot to do with him feeling less loved by his parents than his elder brother. Elder brother had career opportunities he wanted, and his parents always talked about him also to others. When his brother started having kids things escalated. We weren’t really welcome anymore, when we visited they always were to busy to interact and activities we used to do got cancelled it was all about the grandkids.

H and I tried to have kids but didn’t succeed. We knew from beginning that it would be difficult due to medical issues. So we had the fantasy of adopting from that part of the world. I said that there was much more to the story here it goes.

We even had the crazy fantasy about a donor from that part of the world. Or even worse, getting me pregnant with a.. man or him getting a.. woman pregnant. We don’t really drink, but see it as drunken talking. This was in beginning of our relationship, we were very young.

I always knew he liked .. woman, and we both thought.. kids are very cute and often seem more well behaved.

We did look into adoption, I would like to but H is to afraid a) of people judging him and b) adoption would mean a child of 2+ years old and H thinks it’ll have to much emotional problems.

So yes, this OW from .. has a lot to do with that. And I can relate because I had a very brief fantasy A with someone from tv also from this descent. It was not more than that, a few weeks of fantasy about getting pregnant and have this mixed race child we always dreamed of. H found out in my search history we talked about it and I snapped out of it.

An attempt to resolve this part of the fantasy is that I encouraged H to take a test to see if he is fertile. He understands and admits that it’s part of the fantasy/problem. This is also fueled by his brother having kids, his best friend now about to have his first and some old colleagues on fb showing off. One of them, yes showing off by having an .. wife and mixed race baby. That fb post was one of the moments it clicked and H said I need to have this. The result of the fertility test is in a few days. H spoke to OW about having a child right away and she thinks it’s too soon. She right of course. She’s 39 btw.
Another [censored] up part about this is that one of the options for the future H fantasy is about her having a baby and then breaking up with her and coming back to me. I don’t think this would be the worst case scenario. He wants a child but doesn’t want full responsibility, and her taking the biggest part of the responsibility would be a good solution.

All of this is not ethical, we know but this is an anonymous board so let’s be very honest and open.

Long story short we agreed with help from MC that he would sleep with her.

It sounds like you and MC endorsed him sleeping with OW to "get it out of his system? Hindsight is always 20/20, but this was a very bad decision. Not that you could stop him from doing it anyway, but it sounds very wrong for you and MC to give him your blessing.

Why was this wrong? Otherwise as you said it would stick in his system this was exactly what he said.

In oct they met and did have sex. I supported him because even during those 5 days he said this is it after this I’ll end it and make everything up to you.

Again, bad decision. Do not ever let yourself be treated like that and disrespected. Next time you walk away with your head held high and never look back. Let me come back begging if he wants.

I choose to allow it, he was open about doing it anyway so no disrespect in my opinion.

Last day of her visit he came home and told me I think we are done I’m in love with her. He moved to other bedroom for 3 nights. Then he came back to me we had sex every day since then but he also booked a ticket to see her in jan, and started calling her from his car every day for at least an hour. Those hours were heartbreaking for me, more than the PA.

Again, you're letting him "eat cake". Don't be a doormat. If he wants to meet up w/OW he doesn't get you.

He did respect that I didn’t allow him talking to her in the house so he went out to do it in his car. This was his way of showing respect. I did tell him the phonecalls are over when you come back.

I booked a trip for myself to be away in jan when he goes to see her.

Good! Get out and live your life!

This has always been our happy place. He will leave in a few days we text all the time. I try to go dark and let him miss me (he said if I miss you I come back to you), and it’s working he’s the one reaching out for attention.

You can't go dark for a few days and then text him. You have to mean it.

I probably went dim instead of dark. By no R talks anymore and not responding as quickly as normal.

In the meantime I do wonder should I keep the connection between us by talking to him but without R talk? Or should I put pressure on him by going more dark and stop talking? It feels like pushing and manipulation and not giving him the space to let the A run its course.

I would not try to keep the connection up. You need to detach for your own mental well being. Give him more space than he even wants. Do not let him eat cake by texting him back while he's with OW. Start moving in the complete opposite direction as him and be happy about it (or at least fake it till you make it). He is cheating on you. Start making plans for your life that don't include him. MAYBE he'll "see the light" and come crawling back. IF he does, you can decide at that point if you

Pff yes I know but it’s hard. He is my only friend to be honest and not speaking to him would mean not speaking to anybody. We also have a dog so need to communicate about that.

I am confident he will come back but don’t know if this will take a long time.

Chances are it'll take a really long time. Longer than LBSs here hope.

I know this is a stupid question but do you think the A will last months or even years?