why would someone pursue something that goes against their core beliefs and expect to find happiness?
Great question bttrfly!
The answer… because it’s not actually against her core beliefs 🤷♂️
It’s really important to recognise in separation, divorce and the world of affairs that people’s narrative is largely controlled by their desire to not hate themselves.
Rockon’s wife saying “It’s hard to be a cheat because of my core values” has nothing to do with her core values, and everything to do with her wanting to make herself feel better about crap choices.
If they were REALLY core beliefs (Google what core beliefs actually are) then she wouldn’t be breaking them. That’s the harsh reality.
LBS who come to this site (like me, Rockon and you bttrfly) generally share a lot of the same pathology. One of those traits is that we are fixers, and we have spent years bending over backwards to keep things on the rails. This leads to a dynamic where we justify our spouse’s shi**y behaviour as being caused by an external problem. If we imagine they are a victim (of MLC, or childhood issues, or sudden life events) then we can justify wanting to be with them into the future.
Our spouses learn that, and begin to frame their behaviour as not being of their control, just like Rockon’s wife is doing. She’s playing victim (knowing it will appeal to Rockon’s desire to keep the marriage together) when really what she is doing is making conscious decisions to behave in this way.
I’m all for compassion, and treating people with kindness - as my name on this forum suggests.
But I’m also not for WS’s playing victim.
This is why the veterans on this site continually recommend IC to LBS. Any psychologist would have immediately flagged this BS statement from Rockon’s wife for what it is.
