Going dark feels like pressure

[BL42]

Bat,

What are your ages? Do you have any children together and/or from a previous relationship?

In short, met 14 years ago when I was in an abusive marriage.

You met while married? What specifically was abusive about your previous marriage?

Fell in love, I became a WAS and never looked back.

What would you ExH say about it?

To name a few, relationship with his family was difficult, my mum had serious health problems, jobs were too stressful for us, we bought a house and responsibility for that was a huge deal for him, his grandfather died and we witnessed him passing away. This was before 2020 when [censored] really hit the fan, in feb in a few days-weeks I had a miscarriage, burnout, my mum had a stroke, our dog a tumor and oh yeah there was a global pandemic which resulted in losing my job a had for 12 years.

That's a lot for sure. Why was the relationship with his family difficult? Sorry to hear about the miscarriage...that's really tough. Were things good between the two of you when you got pregnant?

Long story short we agreed with help from MC that he would sleep with her.

It sounds like you and MC endorsed him sleeping with OW to "get it out of his system? Hindsight is always 20/20, but this was a very bad decision. Not that you could stop him from doing it anyway, but it sounds very wrong for you and MC to give him your blessing.

In oct they met and did have sex. I supported him because even during those 5 days he said this is it after this I’ll end it and make everything up to you.

Again, bad decision. Do not ever let yourself be treated like that and disrespected. Next time you walk away with your head held high and never look back. Let me come back begging if he wants.

Last day of her visit he came home and told me I think we are done I’m in love with her. He moved to other bedroom for 3 nights. Then he came back to me we had sex every day since then but he also booked a ticket to see her in jan, and started calling her from his car every day for at least an hour. Those hours were heartbreaking for me, more than the PA.

Again, you're letting him "eat cake". Don't be a doormat. If he wants to meet up w/OW he doesn't get you.

I booked a trip for myself to be away in jan when he goes to see her.

Good! Get out and live your life!

This has always been our happy place. He will leave in a few days we text all the time. I try to go dark and let him miss me (he said if I miss you I come back to you), and it’s working he’s the one reaching out for attention.

You can't go dark for a few days and then text him. You have to mean it.

In the meantime I do wonder should I keep the connection between us by talking to him but without R talk? Or should I put pressure on him by going more dark and stop talking? It feels like pushing and manipulation and not giving him the space to let the A run its course.

I would not try to keep the connection up. You need to detach for your own mental well being. Give him more space than he even wants. Do not let him eat cake by texting him back while he's with OW. Start moving in the complete opposite direction as him and be happy about it (or at least fake it till you make it). He is cheating on you. Start making plans for your life that don't include him. MAYBE he'll "see the light" and come crawling back. IF he does, you can decide at that point if you

I am confident he will come back but don’t know if this will take a long time.

Chances are it'll take a really long time. Longer than LBSs here hope.

Bat - I'm wondering...are there any common threads/behaviors from your relationship with ExH and your R with current H?