Going dark feels like pressure

[DnJ]

Good Morning B

The last couple of years have certainly had some stressful situations for you and H. Plenty of events to stir unrealized and buried hurts from the past.

H is displaying quite a bit of confusion. He bounces from idea to idea, with a general gravitation towards his fantasy. It’s near impossible to compete with a fantasy.

And it had to be a woman from a specific part of the world, that was his dream.

Bat, the OW is just a symptom. I’ve never seen a more proof filled statement of that than the above. Such objectification. Just a women from a particular part of the world. Not “her”.

The other person is a symptom. A band-aid. An attempt for the person in crisis to feel better about their life and self.

Long story short we agreed with help from MC that he would sleep with her. By then she had booked a ticket to meet him.

Odd advice, in my humble opinion.

That being said, having this out in the open may prove to be the best. H was otherwise likely to just take it underground. We really cannot stop someone’s crisis.

In oct they met and did have sex. I supported him because even during those 5 days he said this is it after this I’ll end it and make everything up to you.

You gave him the opportunity. The benefit of the agreement from MC. And he did not make it all up to you.

Last day of her visit he came home and told me I think we are done I’m in love with her.

It’s not love. H is high on his fantasy.

He moved to other bedroom for 3 nights.

Good. Let him be the one to move. Let him own his affair and the consequences of it. You do not budge from the master bedroom, or house, or main floor. He moves.

Then he came back to me we had sex every day since then but he also booked a ticket to see her in jan, and started calling her from his car every day for at least an hour. Those hours were heartbreaking for me, more than the PA.

Ah yes, cake eating. H wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants both lives.

B, it’s generally not a good idea to allow this. For someone embroiled in a crisis, nothing you do, or do not do, will have much effect. H needs to traverse his journey. Having sex will likely just prolong whatever outcome is pending. It also exposes you to a very real risk of STDs and such.

A person in crisis becomes the opposite of who they were. Tossing aside their sensibilities and embracing all manner of excessive, illicit, rebellious, devious, etc behaviours in their futile attempt to feel better, to feel normal, to feel anything. These behaviours display the running they are doing. They run from their pain and hidden torments. Spending, drinking, drugs, sex, etc. are very common.

Things went up and down, from we are done I’m looking for an apartment to I think I come back to you. I booked a trip for myself to be away in jan when he goes to see her. The last night before I had to go even went from waking up and saying I think we are going to get back together after this, to I’m not able to stop this, to the words right after sex a few hours before my flight; listen to the subtitles this is to be continued. I asked what that means he said we are going to have sex many more times. And him crying that he didn’t want me to leave because he would miss me so much.

Now I’m at a tropical island in that part of the world where she is from (but another country). This has always been our happy place. He will leave in a few days we text all the time. I try to go dark and let him miss me (he said if I miss you I come back to you), and it’s working he’s the one reaching out for attention. But I made the mistake to ask about it and then he said I do miss you but I now know I will never be able to stop, no matter how much it hurts to loose you I just can’t stop it. I did ask at a wrong time (he was tired and stressed) and start to learn that when I ask I get this answers, when I wait and let him talk he says the opposite.

He is all over the map. Realize he is driven by his emotions right now. His actions and decisions will be more emotional and not very much rational. They will also change a lot. Just as feeling do.

Right now, for you, enjoy the tropical island. Go dark. No need to text H. This is for you.

So now I’m planning to stop asking questions. Let the A run its course and hope for the best. In the meantime I do wonder should I keep the connection between us by talking to him but without R talk? Or should I put pressure on him by going more dark and stop talking? It feels like pushing and manipulation and not giving him the space to let the A run its course.

Yes, stop asking questions to H. The affair has to run its course. Any influence from you, as well meaning as it may be, will at best be neutral, it most likely will delay things or even stall them out completely. You really cannot speed this up, though you can certainly slow it down.

Give plenty of time and space. And definitely no R talks.

Going dark is a mechanism for you to heal and regain your balance. It is not a strategy for getting H through his turmoil, or influencing him, or some such. Going dark is not punishment either.

You do want to limit the pressures applied to H. Just do your own thing. Focus on you and your life.

You sound pretty detached. Of course, you’ve progressed over the past months. Keep moving forward, and be kind and cordial.

I’d recommend stopping the cake eating. It looks like H is planning on moving out to an apartment anyhow. Be dark, or dim. Let him miss you.

I am confident he will come back but don’t know if this will take a long time.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

You have the gift of time, use it well.

I look forward to talking with you again.

D