Going dark feels like pressure

[Bat]

Hello!
I’m new and hope that I’m doing this the right way.

I’ve been reading a lot on this forum and now I would like to contribute.

As probably all of you, I could write a book about my story, maybe I will some day.

In short, met 14 years ago when I was in an abusive marriage. Fell in love, I became a WAS and never looked back. I felt at home the moment I met him. Our R was great for I guess first 8-10 years. Then things started to happen, in hindsight I think this is when MLC started. To name a few, relationship with his family was difficult, my mum had serious health problems, jobs were too stressful for us, we bought a house and responsibility for that was a huge deal for him, his grandfather died and we witnessed him passing away. This was before 2020 when [censored] really hit the fan, in feb in a few days-weeks I had a miscarriage, burnout, my mum had a stroke, our dog a tumor and oh yeah there was a global pandemic which resulted in losing my job a had for 12 years.

For 2 years H really did what he could in taking care of me, my mum and our dog. Halfway he got a new job, his former job was very stressful and his boss looked over his shoulder all the time. In the new job he works solo, also during the night. This is when he started to think, I now have a job a like and no more stress but still I’m unhappy, bored and nobody’s watching. This is when the online EA started. In march right before a holiday was the first BD; I’m not happy and have the feeling my life is going by without living it, and I don’t have feelings for you anymore like I should. Yes the famous speech everyone gets. Months later he told me that during that holiday he broke off all contact with OW, but got back a few weeks later. After the holiday he told me no I don’t have doubts anymore I love you and choose you. I did think what do you mean with choose because I didn’t know about OW, but I was kinda glad everything was ok. We started doing work in the garden together and I started thinking about new things to do. We worked on our R by doing more new things and working out, loosing weight. He did teeth whitening. He started learning for his drivers license for motor cycle.

Yes all the classic MLC…

In june we went on another holiday. It was ok, but during this time I felt something was wrong. Near the end he told me yes I still have doubts. We talked a long time about things in life he felt missing out on, and I told him we can make it happen. Nothing I offered was good enough. In the plane I had a panic attack.

Back home a few days later the big BD happened, yes there is a OW. And no I don’t want to stop. We had a lot of talks, and he explained he needed the experience because I was the only one he had sex with and he didn’t feel like a man. And it had to be a woman from a specific part of the world, that was his dream.
Long story short we agreed with help from MC that he would sleep with her. By then she had booked a ticket to meet him.
In oct they met and did have sex. I supported him because even during those 5 days he said this is it after this I’ll end it and make everything up to you.
Last day of her visit he came home and told me I think we are done I’m in love with her. He moved to other bedroom for 3 nights. Then he came back to me we had sex every day since then but he also booked a ticket to see her in jan, and started calling her from his car every day for at least an hour. Those hours were heartbreaking for me, more than the PA.

Things went up and down, from we are done I’m looking for an apartment to I think I come back to you. I booked a trip for myself to be away in jan when he goes to see her. The last night before I had to go even went from waking up and saying I think we are going to get back together after this, to I’m not able to stop this, to the words right after sex a few hours before my flight; listen to the subtitles this is to be continued. I asked what that means he said we are going to have sex many more times.
And him crying that he didn’t want me to leave because he would miss me so much.

Now I’m at a tropical island in that part of the world where she is from (but another country). This has always been our happy place. He will leave in a few days we text all the time. I try to go dark and let him miss me (he said if I miss you I come back to you), and it’s working he’s the one reaching out for attention. But I made the mistake to ask about it and then he said I do miss you but I now know I will never be able to stop, no matter how much it hurts to loose you I just can’t stop it. I did ask at a wrong time (he was tired and stressed) and start to learn that when I ask I get this answers, when I wait and let him talk he says the opposite.

So now I’m planning to stop asking questions. Let the A run its course and hope for the best. In the meantime I do wonder should I keep the connection between us by talking to him but without R talk? Or should I put pressure on him by going more dark and stop talking? It feels like pushing and manipulation and not giving him the space to let the A run its course.

Sorry about any typos I use my phone 🙄. And what I said I could write a book so there is much more to it, but this is my story in a nutshell.

Looking forward to any advice, especially now their A really is about to start.
I am confident he will come back but don’t know if this will take a long time.