And I think that you have your head so wrapped around what you think that she is doing TO you, that you forget that nothing she has done was done to intentionally hurt you...
And that everything that she is doing/has done, was to find herself...
And you are pushing your feelings and emotions away to prevent your hurt, by trying to convince yourself that you don't care....
And you keep looking back over your shoulder to see if your efforts at DBing are working, hoping that she will follow you at some point....
Much of what I would tell you, I posted to Rockon yesterday. Answer those question too Mike..
You ARE a different kind of DBer in that she is there and says that she wants to work on things....
Your story reminds me of the movie Fireproof in a lot of ways. It is based on a theory called the Love Dare, and I am wondering if that wouldn't be advantageous for you to do....
Not necessarily for her or the situation, yet moreso for you.
To understand that Love is a Verb, and action word, and while you love her, you may not know how to love her through this.
Cause you certainly have spent a LOT of time being wounded instead of leading....
Find your hope that drives you everyday....
Good friend of mine had a mantra....
Today isn't the day that I quit, maybe I will tomorrow, but let's see what tomorrow brings.....
And repeat that everyday...
Use your anger as a shield to protect yourself, NOT as a sword to lash out....
I don't want you sitting there bitter and remorseful in a few years wishing you had done more...
I won’t say you are wrong about anything you posted except she has not said she wants to work on anything. She only says she is here and doesn’t know what she wants and if she leaves she will probably go back to the om. Last part probably doesn’t matter, she said it though. Not caring was a poor choice of words. I don’t sit and ruminate on what she’s doing day to day anymore. Up until the incident we were discussing I was doing quite well at staying busy and didn’t once think about her work sitch with the om. That has been my biggest problem. I don’t think I am looking over my shoulder any longer. Part of the recent story I’ve left us that I got to a point a week ago or so where I dreaded her coming home from work. I dreaded being home in the evening with her. I just didn’t want to be around her. I felt terrible about it. I also wanted to sleep alone but didn’t tell her that. I got up once and slept on the sofa. Told her I couldn’t sleep and wanted to watch tv. She asked recently if I wanted to have sex and I declined. Not out of anger or spite, I just didn’t want to. I don’t feel as strongly at the moment. Maybe the dread was wanting to avoid something in me I am struggling with. I don’t know. I find myself wondering what it would be like if she would leave again. It doesn’t seem so bad sometimes. For clarification she did say she wanted to work on things when she first came home. Months later she said that wasn’t true. Thanks for the input as always.
