What to do 4

[MikeP]

I think what I hoped to gain was some respect. In recent weeks my mindset has changed a bit. Either it works out or it doesn’t, I’m getting full of those sandwiches you mentioned. Maybe it’s a phase and I’m being emotional. Really starting to not care.

[Mach1]

Really starting to not care.

Bullschidt.....

I think it's the opposite.....

And I think that you have your head so wrapped around what you think that she is doing TO you, that you forget that nothing she has done was done to intentionally hurt you...

And that everything that she is doing/has done, was to find herself...

And you are pushing your feelings and emotions away to prevent your hurt, by trying to convince yourself that you don't care....

And you keep looking back over your shoulder to see if your efforts at DBing are working, hoping that she will follow you at some point....

Much of what I would tell you, I posted to Rockon yesterday. Answer those question too Mike..

You ARE a different kind of DBer in that she is there and says that she wants to work on things....

Your story reminds me of the movie Fireproof in a lot of ways. It is based on a theory called the Love Dare, and I am wondering if that wouldn't be advantageous for you to do....

Not necessarily for her or the situation, yet moreso for you.

To understand that Love is a Verb, and action word, and while you love her, you may not know how to love her through this.

Cause you certainly have spent a LOT of time being wounded instead of leading....


Find your hope that drives you everyday....

Good friend of mine had a mantra....

Today isn't the day that I quit, maybe I will tomorrow, but let's see what tomorrow brings.....

And repeat that everyday...


Use your anger as a shield to protect yourself, NOT as a sword to lash out....


I don't want you sitting there bitter and remorseful in a few years wishing you had done more...

[MikeP]

Really starting to not care.

Bullschidt.....

I think it's the opposite.....

And I think that you have your head so wrapped around what you think that she is doing TO you, that you forget that nothing she has done was done to intentionally hurt you...

And that everything that she is doing/has done, was to find herself...

And you are pushing your feelings and emotions away to prevent your hurt, by trying to convince yourself that you don't care....

And you keep looking back over your shoulder to see if your efforts at DBing are working, hoping that she will follow you at some point....

Much of what I would tell you, I posted to Rockon yesterday. Answer those question too Mike..

You ARE a different kind of DBer in that she is there and says that she wants to work on things....

Your story reminds me of the movie Fireproof in a lot of ways. It is based on a theory called the Love Dare, and I am wondering if that wouldn't be advantageous for you to do....

Not necessarily for her or the situation, yet moreso for you.

To understand that Love is a Verb, and action word, and while you love her, you may not know how to love her through this.

Cause you certainly have spent a LOT of time being wounded instead of leading....


Find your hope that drives you everyday....

Good friend of mine had a mantra....

Today isn't the day that I quit, maybe I will tomorrow, but let's see what tomorrow brings.....

And repeat that everyday...


Use your anger as a shield to protect yourself, NOT as a sword to lash out....


I don't want you sitting there bitter and remorseful in a few years wishing you had done more...

I won’t say you are wrong about anything you posted except she has not said she wants to work on anything. She only says she is here and doesn’t know what she wants and if she leaves she will probably go back to the om. Last part probably doesn’t matter, she said it though.
Not caring was a poor choice of words. I don’t sit and ruminate on what she’s doing day to day anymore. Up until the incident we were discussing I was doing quite well at staying busy and didn’t once think about her work sitch with the om. That has been my biggest problem. I don’t think I am looking over my shoulder any longer. Part of the recent story I’ve left us that I got to a point a week ago or so where I dreaded her coming home from work. I dreaded being home in the evening with her. I just didn’t want to be around her. I felt terrible about it. I also wanted to sleep alone but didn’t tell her that. I got up once and slept on the sofa. Told her I couldn’t sleep and wanted to watch tv. She asked recently if I wanted to have sex and I declined. Not out of anger or spite, I just didn’t want to. I don’t feel as strongly at the moment. Maybe the dread was wanting to avoid something in me I am struggling with. I don’t know. I find myself wondering what it would be like if she would leave again. It doesn’t seem so bad sometimes. For clarification she did say she wanted to work on things when she first came home. Months later she said that wasn’t true. Thanks for the input as always.

[MikeP]

Perhaps my inability to forget about the om is my biggest obstacle. It’s hard to live her through “finding herself” when that seems to involve her wanting to love someone else. I know the answer is he is only a symptom. It’s difficult still to believe that.

[BL42]

It’s hard to live her through “finding herself” when that seems to involve her wanting to love someone else.

"Finding myself" is so common and almost always really means I'm interested/fallen for another person and don't want to be honest about it.

Check out TellMeSo's new thread: "She just wants to find "herself" and needs to be selfish for once.". That's perhaps the biggest red flag (of several) in his sitch there's an affair going on.

My ExW told me she's was broken and just needed to be alone to work on herself...while she was texting with OM1 like a madwoman at home and hooking up with at work. She was probably actually right her assessment; she just didn't actually mean it.

[MikeP]

It’s hard to live her through “finding herself” when that seems to involve her wanting to love someone else.

"Finding myself" is so common and almost always really means I'm interested/fallen for another person and don't want to be honest about it.

Check out TellMeSo's new thread: "She just wants to find "herself" and needs to be selfish for once.". That's perhaps the biggest red flag (of several) in his sitch there's an affair going on.

My ExW told me she's was broken and just needed to be alone to work on herself...while she was texting with OM1 like a madwoman at home and hooking up with at work. She was probably actually right her assessment; she just didn't actually mean it.

My wife mentioned many times that she probably just needed to be alone. While seeing om 🙄 So crazy how many different people say the same things.?

[MikeP]

Mach- I read your post to Rockon. A lot for me to consider. Thanks. Off for a run, need to burn some energy.

[DnJ]

Hello Mike

Perhaps my inability to forget about the om is my biggest obstacle.

An obstacle is trying to forget that. You cannot forget that. Forgetting is not the answer. Accepting is.

Lots of people mix up accepting and/or forgiving with condoning or allowing. Acceptance, like all the other stuff, is for you. It’s your emotional state and mindset.

Focus on you, GAL, and such, is not to promote forgetting. It’s for allowing time for one to find their emotional stability and accept things.

It’s hard to live her through “finding herself” when that seems to involve her wanting to love someone else. I know the answer is he is only a symptom. It’s difficult still to believe that.

You bet. A most difficult path to walk.

I’d say W is more driven than wants. Her “wanting to love someone else”, is your interpretation of things.

I don’t understand the mlc, if that’s what’s up, mindset because I’m not the one in the midst it.

Full blown MLC or more life transition, her mindset is different than your’s. She feels confused and is grasping at straws, running. And yet not too.

She doesn’t want to break the family, have an affair, and so on. She is feeling lost and looking for some kind of answer. She needs, time and space to find those. Pressure just diminishes her view of certain possibilities and leaves things like OM and other pressure-free options.

To be clear, she has plenty of pressure in her head and heart right now. More than enough. That’s why we don’t add to it. Her emotions are cranked to eleven. It’s not that she doesn’t care about your feelings, it’s that she cannot handle anyone else’s feelings on top of her own.

And yes, other people, spending, drinking, drugs, and so on, are just symptoms - running behaviours of emotional turmoil.

I’ve accepted that it’s not fair, who said life was fair.

Yes, life ain’t fair.

You know that. You haven’t accepted that, yet.

…not sure what I feel like I am. 10 months in and I mostly feel stunned about it all.

Grief is not a linear process. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Between the start (denial) and the completion (acceptance) one can bounce around and usually does. That being said, there is a general overarching path which does pretty much follow the five stages in order.

I would figure you are partly doing as Mach suggested, pushing some hurts away. I also figure that indifference is starting to take hold.

When something reminds me I sort of feel like I did in the beginning. Maybe? Does that make sense? I need to fix that.

That makes sense. Indifference, any stage really, comes about slowly. There are not well defined delimitations between stages, they are more nebulous in nature.

By the way, “fixing”. Nope, less fixing more accepting. A different mindset for most guys.

Back to grief. New facets of one’s situation come to fore as one is ready to see them. New emotions emerge, feelings that one could not handle before, and therefore were hidden away in denial. That places one in several stages simultaneously. Newer items and feelings stirring up anger and such, and older more processed feelings stirring up depression.

Bargaining is interesting, and where I think you mostly are. To me, it looks like you are exiting bargaining. That last stage of trying to feel the “old” normal, to hang on to what once was, before dipping into the depression and emotional realization of what is. Perfectly fine and healthy by the way, and a needed step towards acceptance.

I think at times I “forget” momentarily what’s going on. She’s home, more affectionate than ever sometimes, and we are just together so much that things feel normal.

Yep.

I dreaded her coming home from work. I dreaded being home in the evening with her. I just didn’t want to be around her. I felt terrible about it. I also wanted to sleep alone but didn’t tell her that. I got up once and slept on the sofa. Told her I couldn’t sleep and wanted to watch tv. She asked recently if I wanted to have sex and I declined. Not out of anger or spite, I just didn’t want to. I don’t feel as strongly at the moment. Maybe the dread was wanting to avoid something in me I am struggling with. I don’t know. I find myself wondering what it would be like if she would leave again. It doesn’t seem so bad sometimes.

As indifference takes hold, other feelings - like dread, temptations, etc - will loom much larger against the void. Their apparent size is an illusion. Indifference is a feeling and will unwind.

Dig deep Mike and keeping walking the path. You’ve used that gift of time wisely. You’ve strengthened, altered, crafted, and organized your beliefs and convictions. Look to your intellect and values for life’s headings, not your apparent and/or absent feelings - for those are fleeting.

You ARE a different kind of DBer in that she is there and says that she wants to work on things....

Your story reminds me of the movie Fireproof in a lot of ways. It is based on a theory called the Love Dare, and I am wondering if that wouldn't be advantageous for you to do....

Mike, is your heart still soft and squishy? Or did you allow it harden?

Lovingly let go. Time and space. Lead. Be the lighthouse.

D

[MikeP]

D-Maybe medium rare?😁
Seriously, not hardened. I don’t like feeling the dread, it saddens me. I still soften when she’s around I just hide it better.
You make some good points about acceptance and fixing things. I guess I’m still trying to be a fixer. Forgetting the om was poor wording, again. Accepting feels like condoning and I know that’s not true. Letting go of the anger relating to him is obviously still an issue. He’s always around. At her work, we have to drive past his house, he shows up to my girls ballgames. I want to kick his azz. It’s torment. I know it’s on me to let it go. Feels like their A is always being rubbed in my face. Sorry, didn’t mean to rant. Just venting. Thanks.

[DnJ]

Sorry, didn’t mean to rant. Just venting.

Rant away. Vent. Get it out of your system.

Even if you don’t press <Post Reply>, typing it out helps. Or write it out on paper, then destroy it. There is a power in the written form. A permanence about it, which usually lends one to see things differently than just mulling it over.