Stuck in limbo V

[DnJ]

Hello Doug

Those are good things to consider. I’ll add some more fodder for your pondering.

- Can I ever be happy in this relationship again?

Happiness comes from contentment and peace within self. Find equanimity.

The only relationship that can foster happiness is the relationship with yourself. (And God, if you’re not an atheist. So, two relationships. )

- What is the point where I know it's time to cut my losses? (Only I can answer this, yes)

Yes, that is for you to answer. However, how one approaches the question (or the answer) opens up new ways of seeing a possible resolution. Perhaps, it’s not about losses and gains; not that black and white. Beliefs and values don’t have a tipping point.

- Am I doing my children a disservice letting them think this is a normal relationship?

Well, first off, this is a normal relationship. Statistically, half of all first marriages end in divorce. And the percentage goes up from there for each subsequent marriage.

So, what is normal?

Ha, normal. Life, relationships, and so on, are not static. Not in some locked equilibrium. Everything is growing and changing. How one responds to that, is the test.

How we respond, react, and control ourselves does a service to our children. How we frame, speak, teach, and inspire about our relationship is a service. All relationships - marriage, friends, coworkers, adversaries, authorities, etc.

Please do not think or believe your living example is a disservice. Live better and not bitter.

A disservice would be creating a belief that only “good” relationship are normal. Real life relationships have ups and downs. They grow and change. Some endure. Some don’t.

- Would I be doing my children a disservice pulling the plug myself, not knowing if and when W will finish her journey, and our marriage becomes acceptable again?

There are certainly reasons to end a relationship. Abuse/assault is pretty high on that list. Removing toxic people from one’s life is another of life’s lessons that serve.

No one can see the future. As best one can, leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out.

My experience, my kids do not look upon W pulling the plug to kindly.

All actions have reactions. Have benefits and consequences. We each have to live with our’s. Hopefully our choices tip towards more of the former.

- Is W simply playing out the string and planning a slow and methodical exit? (Honestly, she would probably have to be a sociopath for this to be true. I think if she does wind up filing for divorce on her own, it isn't something she knows to be true and definite today.)

I agree. Today, she does not have a definite exit plan ready to set in motion.

And I further agree with you, she is on a journey. Her journey.

And you are on your’s. And will be, regardless of whatever she does.

And your two journeys currently still mingle and are entangled. That is very very much not what I, nor my kids, have.

D