I always appreciate your support and feedback, BL.
I've actually only talked to one friend about the latest awful update. The rest of the time during my GAL activities I'm positive and making jokes and asking other people about themselves. And it is great to feel like myself again when I am hanging out with other people. But I still feel isolated. Apart from the IC, I'm not talking to anyone about my grief over the affairs. I don't want gossip to spread and frankly most people in my life don't get it anyway. Most of my friends are not and have never been married and have never experienced anything like this craziness in their relationships. So I vent and analyze here. It's a hard line to walk—focusing on myself but also honoring and processing my feelings, which are strongly connected to H.
I think I'm still wrestling with acceptance. Or rather, the grieving process is starting all over again. I'm four months past BD, which in the grand scheme of things is not that long for an eleven-year-long relationship. And I am only two weeks into affair discovery. I speculate about H to come to grips with how nuts and self-destructive he's being. He's in La La Land. It helps with taking things less personally. Even the OWs. Sometimes it hurts like a hit to the solar plexus. Sometimes I almost laugh at it—it's like H is a teenager, the way he's jumped from infatuation to infatuation. I never thought he'd do anything like this (well, yeah, of course, because why would anyone marry someone they thought was capable of such cruelty). I think there's something keeping me back from feeling the full force of the betrayal all at once. I feel this pressure building up sometimes and want to cry, but the tears don't come.
