Divorce immediately after marriage

[BL42]

Do you have any tips whether I should propose a date if she reaches out or wait for her to propose spending time together?

DO NOT propose a date. That's pursuit. Give her more distance than she wants. Act as if you're completely happy with life and you're excited by the prospect of freedom. Make her curious why you're not pursuing and wonder if she might regret losing you.

[BL42]

Your wife has given you a great gift, even if you can't see it right now. You have a great opportunity that most your age do not get this early in life. You have a chance for huge personal growth.

Completely agree w/R2C.

Not sure if you're ready to hear this, but...she's 1) showing you who she is very early on (before you have years of marriage and kids together) , and 2) giving you an incredible opportunity to dig deep and transform yourself and your life.

Take advantage of this incredibly difficult situation to make yourself a much better, attractive, valuable man. IF you do that you'll look back in a year, 2yrs, 5yrs, 10yrs and realize what a defining moment / inflection point of your life this is.

[TellMeSo]

BL42,

We both make good money at our jobs. She is funding it by her own salary. As far as I know, it's not expensive trips compared to the salary.

Fair enough. But again, marital purchases/debt can end up split by both parties unless you can both amicably agree your finances are your own, which sometimes at first can seem likely and then over time get nasty. Hopefully with the short duration of the marriage to date it'll be straightforward, but at least consult with an L to know where you stand. It never hurts to get professional advice on where you stand. Knowledge = power.

Thank you. I will take this into consideration.

She constantly comes back home to take a thing or two, but never takes all of her stuff.

Again, you have to make her FEEL like she's losing you and wonder if she's making a mistake. The way to do that is embrace it. Instead of holding on and trying to "save things" you have to let go and find peace about it. So I'm serious...instead her coming every other day and picking up one or two items, you take the initiative and packing up her stuff, nicely friendly respectfully. With a smile on your face say "Hey W, I helped pack up your things. Here you go. Best of luck :-)

Doesn't this tell a story that I want her out of home and my life?

Or, does it tell her a story of you've heard her feelings and requests and you're honoring them? And that you're happy and enjoying life regardless of her decisions? And maybe she wonders why that is and whether she's making a mistake?

It's hard to be decisive on this one because she never explicitly told me she wants to leave home for good. She asked for separation period to live with her mom, but not to fully leave our home.

Perhaps this could be one of last resort techniques.

Especially remaining calm and maintaining self-control during our conversations.

How many conversations are you having being separated? Might be time to cut the cord there. Be too busy and active to answer her phone calls. Delay answering the texts. Be brief and mysterious about it.

These days it's once or twice a week.

Be busier. Be so active you're not always around to answer her call or respond to her text. Make her FEEL like she's losing you...even if she doesn't want you at the moment.

Well I have 2 weeks of activities planned incl. short vacation. It should help to be less active.

To be honest my analytical mindset is creating fantasies that she might have AP, but my gut is saying that there is none.

Hmmm...so many analytical people here. Don't analyze too much. Be mindful of emotional attraction and her FEELINGS too.

I've always been analytical (my job also requires it). It's pretty hard to turn away from it. For the first several weeks I made many emotional mistakes, but now I am trying to validate her feelings. Last week we had a pleasant conversation for several hours where she opened up on her current situation (not related to R) quite a lot due to my validation (or at least what I understand as validation).

Well maybe an EA, but it's maybe.

Read up on affairs. Men tend to discount EAs, whereas often times these are far more serious for women.

Thank you. I will have a look.

Before and after the wedding we spent most of the time together, thus there was no convenient time for her to find any OM. One could guess that she might have one now, but I doubt that this was the reason for sudden split.

You say you doubt it because she didn't have the time...but she's traveling to places?

She only started doing it recently. I meant that she didn't have the time until BD (several weeks ago). I can not be sure on anything after BD.

During IC we have also deducted EA or PA as one of the reasons why this is happening.

An extremely high percentage of situations here - especially the ones similiar to what you describe end up finding out about an affair being a factor. Like 95%+...even when the LBS says "no way". Just be warned and prepare yourself mentally for the possibility.

I am not dismissing this possibility. However, as I said she turned cold immediately after the wedding. Perhaps even at the end of our honeymoon. Affair should have happened prior to wedding if it was the reason, but then it would be strange for her to go on and have a wedding. Again, not dismissing it, but I would be quite surprised if this was the cause. Currently, I could only guess if she has someone else in mind or not.

[TellMeSo]

Welcome TMS,


Your wife has given you a great gift, even if you can't see it right now. You have a great opportunity that most your age do not get this early in life. You have a chance for huge personal growth.

Everyone here is going to give you great advise. The hardest thing for you will be determining which behavior to apply to each particular decision you are making. Everything you need to do will feel counter-intuitive.

For example, you are looking at her and watching her behavior. You really should only be looking at your behavior. That is all you can control. If you change the way you interact with her, it forces a change in the relationship (good or bad).

You are going to have to fight hard your natural instinct to pursue her. She is your wife and you want to support her 100% (with your actions) in her decision. Even if you completely disagree with her decision. Fight every urge in your body that wants to argue or discuss issues with her.

Come here and seek wise advise before making any decisions. Knowledge is power. You can mull over lots of ideas that you may not have initially considered.


During this process, you should question (challenge) all of your beliefs.

Read this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984

Dig through as many of the quote threads as you can.



I wish you well during this. We will do our best to give you the tools you need to navigate this.


R2C

R2C,

Thank you for the kind words!

To be honest, I thought that I would feel depressed by this whole situation, but I am pretty calm already after a month. This is exactly due to the fact that I see this as great opportunity in such a young age to improve myself. First and foremost, for myself to become an excellent and happy person. To be honest, I have been mostly happy for the past several years and even can see glimpses of happiness in this situation. Secondly, either for my wife or someone else who might come in the future.

My colleagues and friends are already starting to notice changes in my behaviour, physical appearance and calmness.

What I understood during the past several weeks, is that there is no point or reason for me to fight her. Even if we are destined to divorce, I'd rather go out peacefully and with good memories than fighting her. Obviously, this is not easy but I see good progress so far. We haven't had any arguing during the past several weeks.

Thank you again, I am willing to listen to the advice! Thank you for dedicating your time.

[TellMeSo]

Your wife has given you a great gift, even if you can't see it right now. You have a great opportunity that most your age do not get this early in life. You have a chance for huge personal growth.

Completely agree w/R2C.

Not sure if you're ready to hear this, but...she's 1) showing you who she is very early on (before you have years of marriage and kids together) , and 2) giving you an incredible opportunity to dig deep and transform yourself and your life.

Take advantage of this incredibly difficult situation to make yourself a much better, attractive, valuable man. IF you do that you'll look back in a year, 2yrs, 5yrs, 10yrs and realize what a defining moment / inflection point of your life this is.

THIS. Apart from the glimpses of sadness and emotions, this is what my analytical and logical side is telling me as well. This is a huge gift to work on myself and experience how to become emotionally stable in rough situations.

Even thought, I had long relationships before, nothing hits emotionally like this. Hopefully, I can come out with visible improvements at the end. Regardless of the outcome, I hope that myself and wife will find true happiness in the end.

Thank you.

Do you have any tips whether I should propose a date if she reaches out or wait for her to propose spending time together?

DO NOT propose a date. That's pursuit. Give her more distance than she wants. Act as if you're completely happy with life and you're excited by the prospect of freedom. Make her curious why you're not pursuing and wonder if she might regret losing you.

Thank you. I am actually satisfied with my life apart from this situation with our relationship. No need to act. To be honest, I kinda like the freedom a bit as I am able to improve some aspects of my life which always got pushed away due to time restrains.

However, this is one of the mistakes I made early on. I offered her to go on a date with me, but obviously it did not work. Even thought, she never straight rejected my proposal.

[DnJ]

Hello TMS

I am aiming to read Divorce Busting soon.

Excellent.

How exactly does one feel what he/she is losing?

Feeling loss comes from many sides. For discussion let’s consider loss of spouse and relationship.

The lack of emotional support. Not having that immediate sounding board or shoulder to lean/cry upon.

The absence of that shared closeness. Knowing and feeling like you are special to the other person. Like you are the one.

The fact of having to do things without that second set of hands. Life, chores, trips, shopping, walking, talking, etc. All feel very different when solo.

Currently W is infatuated/confused with her choice. It will take time for those current feelings to extinguish and then for the feelings loss to build. The more you keep propping her up, the less loss she will feel.

Just I am wondering whether she is not taking action because she is indecisive or she is simply busy/lazy to take action. I can visually see that she is overworked and tired.

Could be other reasons too.

Let it go, and focus on you.

Eventually, she will likely reach back, and you should more date again. The majority of your five years together was BF/GF not husband/wife. Reconciling, when/if, will need a familiar foundation.

Do you have any tips whether I should propose a date if she reaches out or wait for her to propose spending time together?

Currently, definitely no asking for a date.

Sorry for the confusion. My point is, if she pursues you - and by the way you will know it - you’ll likely build upon whatever foundation you two have. Being newlyweds is different than a two decade marriage. Less built up resentments, less water under the bridge, less debts, and so on.

She has not shown much emotion in the past month to me or others. Even thought, she shows high emotions all the time. That's what is creating confusion for me when considering her behaviour and your statement that her behaviour is "emotionally driven".

W is feeling a lot inside, and will not display it. She is trying to figure something out (find herself). Folks in such an emotional quagmire often withdrawal inward and display little of what they are processing. It’s depression as well.

Logic and reason belong to the intellectual realm. Emotions are non-rational/non-intellectual. They are born and exist in the realm outside of logic and reason. Feelings are completely normal and need to be felt, and need not tie to whatever one is thinking about. EQ vs IQ.

Emotionally driven is unlike driven intellectually. It’s not a logical and reasoned approach to things. And when following one’s non-rational pressures and drives, poorer decisions are more likely.

I’m not professing W’s entire life is currently driven emotionally. Just certain facets of it. And in particular, and in regards to you and your relationship, she is more emotionally driven than intellectually driven to her decisions. Once you realize this, and oddly rationalize this for yourself, you will better find detachment and let go easier.

We all require a certain amount of understanding before we can let go. Understand that you cannot alter/control her feelings. Only she can.

You only control three things - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. That’s it. And through your directly controllable self, you influence those and the world around you (as well as yourself).

D

[kml]

I am not dismissing this possibility. However, as I said she turned cold immediately after the wedding. Perhaps even at the end of our honeymoon. Affair should have happened prior to wedding if it was the reason, but then it would be strange for her to go on and have a wedding.

Having been on these boards for many many years, I will say that it is almost always true that when a marriage breaks up this quickly, there was an AP in the works before the wedding. Why do they go through with the wedding anyway? It is such a big production, it is embarrassing to tell your family and fiance that you want to stop it, they think maybe they can let go of the AP.

Since you were together such a long time before marriage, it is probably not an issue with her discovering she's gay, or that the sex isn't good. And it doesn't sound like you suddenly turned into a different person once you married her. I'll assume you're not an alcoholic, abusive or a gambler.

The loss in her life could have triggered an affair at that time.

But my advice is this - if you don't have kids - let go of her. Because this kind of problem so early in the marriage is likely to reoccur. I speak from experience. My ex-husband of 24 years, slept with an old girlfriend the night before our wedding. I should have just divorced him when I found out. Instead, we "reconciled", went on to have three children, were married for 24 years. BUT - he had an affair when the kids were pre-teens/early teens which devastated them, we reconciled and then several years later he left anyway. Looking back, I think there were more episodes of cheating that I was not aware of at the time. And my adult children pay the price for my poor choice to keep this man in my life and make babies with him, as he is a disappointing father to them now.

Maybe she's not having an affair, maybe she was just so caught up in the fantasy wedding that she wasn't thinking about whether she really wanted to be married. But I'd be willing to bet she's got another guy, and those "impulsive" trips might have been to meet him somewhere.

Or maybe she just has serious mental health issues - if that's so - do you want to take that on for the rest of your life?

This crucible can be an excellent time to become a better version of yourself. Use that. Focus on your growth. Leave her be. This early in a marriage should be a time when you are full of love and affection for each other - the absence of that is a HUGE red flag, whatever the reason.

[TellMeSo]

Hello, DnJ,

Feeling loss comes from many sides. For discussion let’s consider loss of spouse and relationship.

The lack of emotional support. Not having that immediate sounding board or shoulder to lean/cry upon.

The absence of that shared closeness. Knowing and feeling like you are special to the other person. Like you are the one.

The fact of having to do things without that second set of hands. Life, chores, trips, shopping, walking, talking, etc. All feel very different when solo.

Currently W is infatuated/confused with her choice. It will take time for those current feelings to extinguish and then for the feelings loss to build. The more you keep propping her up, the less loss she will feel.

It seems that she is trying to replace the closeness and having a shoulder to cry upon by meeting a lot with her female best friend.

Eventually, she will likely reach back, and you should more date again. The majority of your five years together was BF/GF not husband/wife. Reconciling, when/if, will need a familiar foundation.

Currently, definitely no asking for a date.

Sorry for the confusion. My point is, if she pursues you - and by the way you will know it - you’ll likely build upon whatever foundation you two have. Being newlyweds is different than a two decade marriage. Less built up resentments, less water under the bridge, less debts, and so on.

Thanks for clarifying. I made this mistake early on, but now have stopped proposing any dates. Usually when I communicate with her I try sticking to one topic at time without any discussions on R (unless she brings it up).

W is feeling a lot inside, and will not display it. She is trying to figure something out (find herself). Folks in such an emotional quagmire often withdrawal inward and display little of what they are processing. It’s depression as well.

Logic and reason belong to the intellectual realm. Emotions are non-rational/non-intellectual. They are born and exist in the realm outside of logic and reason. Feelings are completely normal and need to be felt, and need not tie to whatever one is thinking about. EQ vs IQ.

Emotionally driven is unlike driven intellectually. It’s not a logical and reasoned approach to things. And when following one’s non-rational pressures and drives, poorer decisions are more likely.

I’m not professing W’s entire life is currently driven emotionally. Just certain facets of it. And in particular, and in regards to you and your relationship, she is more emotionally driven than intellectually driven to her decisions. Once you realize this, and oddly rationalize this for yourself, you will better find detachment and let go easier.

We all require a certain amount of understanding before we can let go. Understand that you cannot alter/control her feelings. Only she can.

You only control three things - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. That’s it. And through your directly controllable self, you influence those and the world around you (as well as yourself).

D

Thank you for this in-depth answer. Setting her and myself free has been one of key cornerstones in my mindset during last several weeks.

[TellMeSo]

Having been on these boards for many many years, I will say that it is almost always true that when a marriage breaks up this quickly, there was an AP in the works before the wedding. Why do they go through with the wedding anyway? It is such a big production, it is embarrassing to tell your family and fiance that you want to stop it, they think maybe they can let go of the AP.

Since you were together such a long time before marriage, it is probably not an issue with her discovering she's gay, or that the sex isn't good. And it doesn't sound like you suddenly turned into a different person once you married her. I'll assume you're not an alcoholic, abusive or a gambler.

The loss in her life could have triggered an affair at that time.

But my advice is this - if you don't have kids - let go of her. Because this kind of problem so early in the marriage is likely to reoccur. I speak from experience. My ex-husband of 24 years, slept with an old girlfriend the night before our wedding. I should have just divorced him when I found out. Instead, we "reconciled", went on to have three children, were married for 24 years. BUT - he had an affair when the kids were pre-teens/early teens which devastated them, we reconciled and then several years later he left anyway. Looking back, I think there were more episodes of cheating that I was not aware of at the time. And my adult children pay the price for my poor choice to keep this man in my life and make babies with him, as he is a disappointing father to them now.

Maybe she's not having an affair, maybe she was just so caught up in the fantasy wedding that she wasn't thinking about whether she really wanted to be married. But I'd be willing to bet she's got another guy, and those "impulsive" trips might have been to meet him somewhere.

Or maybe she just has serious mental health issues - if that's so - do you want to take that on for the rest of your life?

This crucible can be an excellent time to become a better version of yourself. Use that. Focus on your growth. Leave her be. This early in a marriage should be a time when you are full of love and affection for each other - the absence of that is a HUGE red flag, whatever the reason.

Hi kml,

Thank you. As far as I consider myself I am not alcoholic, abusive or a gambler.

Perhaps she was expecting me to change post-wedding and just went with it, but then reality hit. I have read that some spouses are feeling post-wedding depression. Perhaps adding this to already stressful environment pushed her away.

There was a plenty of chances for affair to be confirmed. It did not materialize. I assume that if she wants to quit relationship badly she would have told me already as it could be an easy option out. She expects people to judge her either way if she truly leaves. When did you realize your husband slept with an old girlfriend before the wedding?

Impulsive trips started just now. I view it more as a way to escape reality, but it could be the case you mentioned. As far as I know, everything is a possibility these days.

I'd rather have this situation right now (regardless of the outcome) then 20 years down the line.

There have been no such patterns before thus it is confusing for me. If there was even a glimpse of red flags before my answers would be significantly different. However, she has proved me time and time again that I can fully trust her and have her support. Up until now...

[bttrfly]

TMS,
Sorry you're here. You've been getting terrific advice so far.

Do you have joint credit cards? If so, separate them ASAP so you're not legally responsible for her debt.

Hang in there and make it a priority to read either DBusting or Divorce Remedy ASAP.

Do NOT share them with your W, nor should you share this site with her. These resources are for you, and you alone.