Divorce immediately after marriage

[DnJ]

Good Morning TellMeSo

Welcome to the boards. Please do read the links on the welcome post; lots of good information there. (Thanks Mach for copying it for T. Not too frozen by the way. )

Have you read MWD’s Divorce Busting yet?

She is telling me that her life is great apart our relationship, but her close relatives are stating that she is different from the times when she was happy and her usual self. She also had a heavy loss in her family early last year and even mentioned burnout at some point.

One day she is stating that she is tired from everything, especially her work. Another day she is saying that she has never been as delighted and positive as right now. One day we have normal conversation and she even hugs me/initiates contact herself. The next time she is cold and avoids me.

It’s pretty obvious from your account that W is going through something. Grief/depression are clearly evident. Some unprocessed feelings regarding her heavy family loss is likely been stirred up from the recent nuptials.

Also, and more to divorce busting, is “her” loss. In marriage one gains and loses. She lost her “single” identity. Marriage is much different than dating. Some folks settle quickly and others take a harder path. Do not assign cause and effect rational to her sudden behaviour change. Her present path is driven by emotions. The marriage likely just uncovered something she didn’t realize, or was trying to bury. How much do you know about her childhood, family, and her growing up times?

A few questions:

You dated for 4+ years. How long did you two live together before getting married?

Where is she currently living?

Are your finances joint or separate? If joint, for how long?

…immediately after the wedding something has changed. She became colder and colder until about a month ago she decided to leave our home (living together for 4+ years). We have been separated for more than a month now. She is stating that she lost her feelings and will not get them back. That I am the wrong person for her and she does not love my anymore. She told me that trying to save our marriage will change nothing and she is 100% confident in divorce.

Pretty standard stuff T. She feels like this, and she feels that this is how it will now be.

Feelings are fleeting. Quick to rise up and quick to extinguish when not reinforced.

In a scant few months her feelings changed and she is “now” confident her feelings will not change again. She was rather confident about her feeling regarding the wedding too. Like I said, feelings are fleeting. Your goal is to not reinforce her.

For several weeks now, she has been saying that we should divorce and that the marriage was a mistake. I asked several times to work on our issues and to solve them together, but she is refusing and has been mostly silent on our relationship topic apart from several discussions. She is refusing couples therapy and just wants to end it badly. Even in this situation, none of us can say any particular bad words about each other. She is not specifically blaming me for obvious negative traits, I am not mad at her. She just wants to find "herself" and needs to be selfish for once.

You’ve told her your views and desire to work on the marriage and relationship. No need to tell her again.

Stop talks about the relationship. Or solving things. Or working on this together.

She has told you she need to find herself. And yes, she is mixed up.

Basically, anything you say or do regarding trying to save things or change her mind is more justification/proof to her that she is right. This is a most counterintuitive situation you find yourself in. She is driven by non-rational forces and will not be resolved by your rational thoughts.

I've been reading the forum and implemented quite a lot of ideas into our relationship over the past several weeks. Especially remaining calm and maintaining self-control during our conversations. No rushed words, trying to avoid being needy or controlling. Giving her the space and mostly waiting for her to contact me. However, most of the comments on these forums are for couples that have been in marriage for years or are at a later stage in life. Not sure if I should apply everything given our short-term in marriage and age.

I’m glad you posted. And good on you implementing DB principles.

Remain calm and cordial.

No R talks.

Focus on you. Be upbeat and live your life. (It’s great for you, and provides best chance at reconciling. She needs to feel what she is losing.)

…whenever we discussed filing for divorce, she mentioned that there is no rush and we can file it in the future. I am trying to give her the full support and validate her feelings these days and not force anything. Giving her the space to travel and do her own thing. I am attending IC.

I’d stop discussing divorce. You’ve made it clear you don’t want it, the ball is in her court. A positive - she isn’t jumping at divorce. She is delaying it. Interesting seeing her conflicted feelings in her actions. Contrasted to what she says. Actions vs words. Realize her words about not ever feeling for you again is her trying to justify herself. Her actions speak differently.

Any tips from the veterans on what would be the best steps in this situation? Should I pay much attention to little details (i.e. if she wants to hug or avoids hugging, her removing wedding ring) or it is better not to focus on those?

Thank you. Any advice would be heavily appreciated!

Don’t place too much meaning on to every detail. Her path and behaviour is emotionally driven, and feelings change. Therefor the “reasons” and behaviour changes too. One moments she’ll want a hug, the next no hug. Same for wearing her ring, and so on.

Give her time and space. Work on you.

It sounds like you and her still converse. Eventually, she will likely reach back, and you should more date again. The majority of your five years together was BF/GF not husband/wife. Reconciling, when/if, will need a familiar foundation.

I’d also recommend talking to one of the Divorce Busting coaches here. That would be an excellent accompanying to your IC.

Hope to talk again soon.

D