I wrote my coach’s opinion is to get out of the marriage, I should not have used the word opinion. He ask questions around the purpose of staying, etc.
I ask that question of newbies from time to time. Not to encourage them to walk away from their marriage, but because it’s an important question to ask. It sorts the wheat from the chaff. Are they: - people who haven’t been the best partners and need to DB, improve themselves and get their marriage back, or - people who are emotionally trapped and tied to a crap relationship and who can’t see any way forward other than saving their marriage.
Most of the time I ask that question on this forum ie “Why do you want to be with this person?” it gets ignored. For broken LBS who land here, it’s too hard for them to face the reality that their spouse is not really a great person, or because they just want to avoid hard questions. LBS who arrive here generally want the path of least resistance and for everything to quietly go back to how it was.
Fwdmvmnt, I really think you should listen to your coach and spend a significant amount of time thinking about that question. Why do you want to save this marriage, is this a person deserving of your love and life, and if you were outside looking in, would you tell your best friend to stay with this person?
Oh BTW, if my partner who had left came for a ride in my car, kissed me, told me she blocked OM and stopped texting him… And then two days later admitted she had unblocked him and been texting him, I’d pick up her possessions and place them on the side walk and change the locks.
Kind and group, Thank you for your reply and insight. I have been struggling with where I stand on these questions. I view the issues she is having as an addiction, like alcohol or drugs. I am to a point where I do think her being out of the house may be the best scenario for whatever is going to happen down the road. For now I am committed to my situation especially for our family. I know the beliefs around Christian beliefs and the how some believe it keeps dead marriages together too long. I believe that God is truly vested in all marriage, more so than those of us in the marriage. I feel that giving the marriage over to him and allowing it to play out to his will is the best option. This is where I struggle, the IHS makes it hard for me to fully disconnect and I get put into a conversation, which I validate and will use it to practice my communication skills when possible, but these make it harder to drop the rope. Last night W told me she took a start over token in her SA program. She said she felt she was going down a path she didn’t want to go down and that she wants to be a good role model for her kids. This came out of the blue after she got home from her SA meeting (1st one in awhile). She also told me that she had been talking to 2 people not just 1. She says no physical, but I know how that works. I felt indifferent as she was talking. Time will tell if she is going to actually work a program or not. For now the situation I’m in, is what it is. unless I want to file an at fault divorce, which I’m not there yet. She also just got a job that she is starting this week. If anyone has good recommended threads on IHS I would love to read through them. I’ve re read all Sandis posts, as well as Those posting now Doug59 and Rock, so getting great information from them.
Back to me. I am committed to getting myself better and have been as busy as can be with this goal. I continuing to have my weekly coaching sessions, and have developed a plan for the year to grow in Mind, Body and Spirit. My task for this week is to write out what that looks like 1 year from now to cover with him next week. I’ll list out some of it below. I also have started Krav Maga, which is great, and took my Harley in to get ready for some rides. I also use my nights out to hang with friends. This is all new GAL for me. As for my year plan it is below:
Spiritual: Continue morning prayer/ meditation routine Weekly mass Continue Spiritual Direction with priest (biweekly currently) Al Anon program (On Step 8) / Weekly meetings with sponsor Hopefully start to sponsor before end of year Books (Fathered by God is first on list, more to come on books)
Emotional: Coaching program Integrated Man University (NMMNG type work) no time line on this, part of the coaching. Bucket list for the year 52 books this year - Already read 5 Love Languages - Reading 4 agreements and The lost art of Communication - listening to Codependent No more while in car Rest on deck are (Fathered by God, Atomic Attraction, Tactical guide to Women, Atomic Habits) **always up for more recommendations
Physical Daily Home routine (Push-ups, PullUps) Krav Maga More routine gym and conditioning Quit Nicotine products at some point this year Get back on High Protein/Fat diet with low carbs. One good thing about this is my body looks great from the weight loss lol
Anyways I appreciate you all, I will try to post more often, it’s a pain to have to do this from my phone. My work laptop is connected to the vpn so cannot use it. I can’t use the home of due to family always around.
Wow, R2C thank you for the recommendation of the 4 agreements. I can see why it needs to be read multiple times. What an amazing book! Time to be a warrior!
Your list of Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical goals is fantastic. If you stick to those throughout the year you'll be feeling incredible about yourself come 2024. Make it happen! You go this.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I appreciate the time everyone takes to be on here. I will meet these goals 100%. I have to for myself and for my children. I need to be the best father possible for them all right now, especially S6.
Always appreciate your posts B, I attempt to do at least 2 per week, sometimes schedule does not permit, I sometimes make upto 3 a week. I tend to forgot about the online options you mentioned, this could be a great way to get into an SA co depend meeting as well, which I think would be great. Not many resources for that addiction. My sponsor and another man I trust with great Christian fundamentals helps me with that. I am good at dropping that rope in the morning. Today has been good, getting a bit anxious as it gets later in the day, but will reach out to help. Thanks again!
