Marching in limbo with MLC H (2)

[marching]

Thanks for your input LH19. Yup, I have a number of considerations to weigh re: what I want from the divorce.

--

I have been GALing like crazy. It's been fun. Also every time I give my (brief) explanation of my return, I think about the gory details I'm leaving out, and it reminds me anew of just what a POS my H is right now. I've been really busy but I still think about H in between activities.

Things are a little weird between me and a mutual friend of H's in Country B. This friend has been supportive of me and has been consistently hopeful for a reconciliation. He said that his sister went through something similar with her husband. In light of my IC's recommendation, I asked him if he had any information about H's affair with OW2. He says he knows as much as I do—just that there is someone else. He doesn't know who she is. He hasn't responded to my question on how he knows what he knows. My guess is that he saw them together. They all work in the same area. Maybe it's not a good idea to ask this friend for information, but I don't see what other options I have. Not sure asking H directly is a good idea. I don't know how to snoop. And I certainly don't want to reach out to OW1.

I suspect that this OW2 is a new person at H's office. If so, he's playing a dangerous game. It could be ruinous professionally. And all his friends and colleagues know and like me; we've all hung out a lot and they had all planned activities for my return. They also all knew about H and I getting the new apartment for my move. So I can only imagine how intensely H is raising eyebrows with his behavior right now. This is also somewhat professionally embarrassing for me because there is overlap in our career networks. God, it's going to be so, so painful for him if he ever wakes up from this fog. Much, much worse than he already feels now.

I recently visited a friend who just moved in with her partner. Their place is very nicely appointed. I felt such a mix of emotions. I was happy for them, but also a bit jealous and sad. Especially when they showed me stuff they bought for their entertainment system, which was very similar to what H and I had talked about just a week before BD.

My friends and I watched a movie that H and I had talked about, too. It made me think about that conversation. I missed him, the old H. And I thought about a line from The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I wonder if the things that remind me of you, remind you of me?

[marching]

Another recent GAL activity: I went out with a single male friend and some of his family and friends. I think he touched me a bit more than necessary, like pulling me toward him and giving me a spot closer to the stage so I could see the performance better. I actually appreciated getting a better view, but he stood really close behind me. I like hanging out with this guy as a friend and want to make sure he understands my boundaries. I don't know, maybe I'm reading into it too much. Anyway, I have enough drama in my life at present.

[marching]

I guess I'll just have to find a natural way of saying that I won't be interested in dating for a long while.

[Rockon]

Good to make it clear.

[BL42]

marching,

Received the bank transfer. H sent way more than I requested and than he agreed to.

I'd accept the money and keep your head down. It can only help you to have it in your account. At worse you split it anyway in the end; at best it's a bonus if you agree to just keep your own accounts as is.

I think I'm a bit paranoid now because I've looked into D so much more...I don't want this to turn adversarial.

My L advised the better deals come up front as they feel guilty whereas the longer it's drawn out the more the guilt turns to resentment and the more adversarial it becomes. With no kinds, living apart for years in different countries, your age...etc., my recommendation is IF he offers you a more beneficial deal than the law would typically offer, you should snatch it up quickly. You can always R after the fact if needed, but lock in your business deal if possible.

I have been GALing like crazy. It's been fun.

Keep it up!

Also every time I give my (brief) explanation of my return, I think about the gory details I'm leaving out, and it reminds me anew of just what a POS my H is right now.

It's tempting to dwell on the past and be bitter and vent to friends, but better for you to focus on the present and enjoy life. You'll be happier and more attractive.

Maybe it's not a good idea to ask this friend for information, but I don't see what other options I have.

You could drop it altogether and move on with making your life incredible. Yes, easier said than done...I know. But it truly is a better path for YOU.

Not sure asking H directly is a good idea.

Definitely don't do this. Even if he tells you the truth, which is fairly unlikely, you'll never be able to trust it.

I don't know how to snoop.

You could hire a PI. Question is...would it serve you?

And I certainly don't want to reach out to OW1.

Good. Bad idea.

I suspect that this OW2 is a new person at H's office. If so, he's playing a dangerous game. It could be ruinous professionally.

Yep, it could. Not your monkey, not your circus. Also, not for nothing, but it seems like people and employers care far less about this stuff than you'd think they should (as the LBS).

So I can only imagine how intensely H is raising eyebrows with his behavior right now.

Lots of speculation on H's behaviors and interactions with others. How about focusing on yourself?

This is also somewhat professionally embarrassing for me because there is overlap in our career networks.

I understand how it can feel embarrassing. The uncertainty of what people "know" or think about you. But really, you're not the bad actor here, so hold your head up high, take the high road, and move on with your career and your life. I strongly suspect you'll do great in life regardless of him.

God, it's going to be so, so painful for him if he ever wakes up from this fog. Much, much worse than he already feels now.

Maybe. Maybe not. The truth is some people simply don't care about the damage and hurt they've caused. Or, can't even understand that they've caused it. Key for you is to worry about yourself, and not what he may or may not come to realize down the road...even if it feels good to speculate about his pain.

I recently visited a friend who just moved in with her partner. Their place is very nicely appointed. I felt such a mix of emotions. I was happy for them, but also a bit jealous and sad.

I can relate to feeling sad seeing other couples and situations. This too shall pass.

I guess I'll just have to find a natural way of saying that I won't be interested in dating for a long while.

Good plan.

marching - you're young with a great career that takes you places. You're going to be fine. Just make sure to put the focus on yourself and away from H.

[marching]

I always appreciate your support and feedback, BL.

I've actually only talked to one friend about the latest awful update. The rest of the time during my GAL activities I'm positive and making jokes and asking other people about themselves. And it is great to feel like myself again when I am hanging out with other people. But I still feel isolated. Apart from the IC, I'm not talking to anyone about my grief over the affairs. I don't want gossip to spread and frankly most people in my life don't get it anyway. Most of my friends are not and have never been married and have never experienced anything like this craziness in their relationships. So I vent and analyze here. It's a hard line to walk—focusing on myself but also honoring and processing my feelings, which are strongly connected to H.

I think I'm still wrestling with acceptance. Or rather, the grieving process is starting all over again. I'm four months past BD, which in the grand scheme of things is not that long for an eleven-year-long relationship. And I am only two weeks into affair discovery. I speculate about H to come to grips with how nuts and self-destructive he's being. He's in La La Land. It helps with taking things less personally. Even the OWs. Sometimes it hurts like a hit to the solar plexus. Sometimes I almost laugh at it—it's like H is a teenager, the way he's jumped from infatuation to infatuation. I never thought he'd do anything like this (well, yeah, of course, because why would anyone marry someone they thought was capable of such cruelty). I think there's something keeping me back from feeling the full force of the betrayal all at once. I feel this pressure building up sometimes and want to cry, but the tears don't come.

[Kind18]

I'm four months past BD, which in the grand scheme of things is not that long for an eleven-year-long relationship.

That’s entirely normal. Not only were you with them for 11 years, you’d also projected a whole lifetime ahead.

Four months is a really short space of time. It’s just that it feels like forever when your senses and emotions are dialled in to maximum.

Be kind to yourself, and don’t expect miracles. I was told to expect the emotional rollercoaster for 1 year and that timeline played out very accurately. It will be at least another 8 months before your headspace starts to change.

I’m a bit concerned that you don’t feel like you have an outlet.

Does your employer have an employee assistance program? That can often be a good way to get some help, it certainly was very valuable for me. Also, chat to your regular doctor - they often are good at helping with grief, and if there’s further cause for concern or they don’t think they’ve got the skills to help - they can often direct you to or setup appointments with a counsellor.

It’s really tough. And you need an outlet, because pushing it all down won’t work. Also, try to avoid burdening certain family members or friends with it constantly. A bit of professional help goes a really long way.

Are you exercising hard, eating well? How is your sleep? These things are tied to your mental health and ability to weather the ups and downs of divorce.

[marching]

Thanks for validating, Kind18. It's nice to be reminded that 4 months is still early days and that it's normal to have these feelings.

Warning: lots of venting ahead.

As you can tell, Kind18, my mental health is not great atm. I've been doing as you suggested. Going to IC, which I have through my EAP. And I've talked to a doctor about my situation. Was officially diagnosed with depression, and instead of prescribing ADs, the doctor recommended everything you and others say here: exercise and counseling. Which I had already been doing, but the affair BD threw me off. Lost my appetite for a bit, but I'm getting back on track. Exercise became hard recently—my fitness levels dropped really suddenly. Turns out I have anemia! So I'm on iron supplements and dialing in my nutrition (which was actually pretty good before, except for the periods of eating very little lol). And I'm going back to the dr for more tests for other stuff that could be contributing to my funk. Safe to say that my insides are not pretty at the moment. Still trying to do what I can though. Even running for 15 min is better than nothing, I figure. On a positive note, I went to a martial arts class the other day with a friend. It was fun. I was out of breath pretty quickly but I'm not sore at all. My blood isn't delivering enough oxygen to my muscles, but at least those muscles are pretty strong and flexible!

With the mood issues and a reduced capacity for physical exertion, my sleep hasn't been great. I'm very frustrated with everything. Lots of work and health stress. My sublet is ok but not that comfortable. I'm a bit stressed about finding a new place; it's known to be an ordeal in Big City that everyone complains about.

I appreciate the reminder to be kind to myself. When I step back and think about what I have been through not just in the past few months but only in the past few weeks, it really is a lot.

I think I'm taking on too much at once. I forgot to respond to BL's questions about finding out details of the affairs in my last post. It could be useful should my D go to court. No, I wouldn't go as far as hiring a PI. I understand what everyone says about taking advantage of the WAS's guilt for the best business deal. I hope H will continue to feel guilty for a while. I need time to sort out my immediate health problems and living situation before I can take on this D.

The bright spot is my social life. I've been out with friends every day for the past week. I am definitely faking it sometimes. Last night I went to the movies and stepped out several times to weep in the bathroom. It was satisfying—finally, some tears!

[marching]

I have a DB coaching call and IC appointment tomorrow. Hopefully that will help me organize my thoughts and come up with a plan. Might even ask IC if we can do two sessions a week. I've been very conscious of not burdening certain family and friends with my marital issues. I definitely need more outlets.

Oh I forgot to mention. Got some STD results back. In the clear for some stuff. More tests and results to come for others. Having to do this is upsetting.

[marching]

IC gave me advice that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. She said the next time H initiates a conversation, I should ask him for the details of the affairs (timeline, how serious they were/are) and say that I need this information for closure to proceed with the divorce. She even suggested that I talk to OW#1. Her suggestions go against all DB principles and other non-DB advice I've read from other places. That appointment really stressed me out.

So I'm looking into other ICs. A little annoying because I just started with this new one and thought she was a good fit. But her approach to affairs doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Perhaps I didn't explain how generally irrational H is being right now. I don't think I could have productive conversation with him about anything. I don't know that it would serve me, either. I really believe the OWs are just one of H's many escape methods. They are not the main problem. H's unhappiness with his life is the problem.

The problem is that I'm not really sure what my goals are anymore. I've lost sight of them because I'm spinning so much. I feel like I have to take action. So I will. I will redirect the focus on myself. Time to recommit to pouring myself into my work and hobbies and social life. To get my mental and physical health back on track. To be kind to myself. I just moved and it takes time to set up a healthy routine.