One thing that the returning MLCer fears more than anything is judgement. And who knows where or why they feel it. Most of it is from the guilt that they are carrying inside of them for all of the things that they destroyed along the way. I would guess that 90% of it is stemming from inside of them and the other 10% is possibly true. There are people that ARE judging them for their actions during their MLC. As long as it isn't you, then you are fine. This won't leave easy either, it will linger for the rest of their life.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I think the kindest and most generous thing you can do for all concerned (your children, yourself and your exh) is to remain your most fiercely compassionate self. Mach is correct about judgment being a huge fear.
Originally Posted by job
Take things slowly and do not attempt to rush the process. Be a friend, listen, allow him to come to you and talk. Do not offer up advice unless he asks for it. It took a long time for the crisis to occur and it will take some time for him to feel comfortable, not only in his own skin, but with all. He has a lot of guilt, and is afraid of judgment and criticism.
Hi Mach, bttrfly, Job, What you have made clear above is indeed one of his greatest fears, which is being judged for all that he has done. This is a present a lot of times in our conversations. He is very critical about himself at certain times and at other times he laughs it off. Kind of strange to witness this. I do try to be a good friend to him. However, we have come to the point that he now really shares everything with me, and there are sometimes things that are very profound, also a lot about the OW's. F.e. I only knew of 2 OW's but there have been many more. He had 2 "fix" relationships (being OW1 and OW2 in my eyes) but cheated many times on both of them as well. The reason why it lasted longer with these 2 is because he had feelings for them. But I can handle it amazingly enough. It is even important for me to know all this so that I can also give this a place. Is it normal for him to do this, he says that he can only talk about all of this with me. That he finds the psychological help which he know he needs within the conversations with me, because I am the only one who knows him so well and who always shows understanding and compassion. Yesterday he texted me again to thank me for the support I give him and that he will never take it for granted again like he used to. That he wants to do the same for me. If I struggle with something that I can contact him at all times.
Originally Posted by Mach1
I would ask you this ..... What does a reconciliation look like to you ?? What steps would have to happen for that to be possible ?? Is reconciliation even something that you want ?? For now though, maybe answer those questions and try not to 'define' anything.
Mach, Very good questions, but I can't answer them myself. The true love is present, but reconciliation is a very big step which takes much more than simply plain love. I still don't want the person I see in front of me today as a fixed value in my life, because he is still very occupied with himself, but also because not all flee behavior has disappeared yet. He still drinks a lot and still has moments when he says things that don't make any sense at all. So I'm not going to define this yet. What I do know for sure is that today we are building a good friendship where honesty, understanding and respect are central. If this goes the other way again I'm sure I'll walk away from it. This is the basis for me to go forward.
Originally Posted by DnJ
An awakening is a timid time for one exiting their crisis. There is a lot of soul searching, some deep depression, then a kind of rebirth. After, it will likely take 18-24 months for them to feel comfortable in their own skin, to truly put it all (or mostly all) behind them and live forward. It is so interesting seeing XH (G ?) exhibiting such self awareness. I think G is probably more apt regarding the majority of his behaviour. Weekly dinners, open and honest talks, a trip with the kids, all very good steps.
Hi D, Yes, G is present 80% of the times when we are in touch with each other, which is actually on a daily basis now, mostly through messages. From what I guess (I say guess because with MLC you never really know what is going on) he had several awakenings throughout the whole MLC period, but this one seems to last already 4 to 6 months with a lot of ups and downs. The soul searching is definitely there, depression as well but still hidden in certain ways. Difficult to say and I won’t even try to analyze it anymore. Have done this so much the first two years and I promised myself to never go that way again since it drives you mad at a certain point. He and he alone is responsible for it, and I can only show my understanding and compassion, and this at times when it also feels right for me.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
If you both decide to piece, from what I've read that's the toughest road yet. Westo, Jack3Beans, LABug are three people who pieced. I know that if you want to go that route, you will have to dig deeper than you ever have before for patience.
B, I know this but can’t tell yet if I want to take that road. I know I want him in my life when he is G, I only don’t know yet in what position.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Best to still keep the focus on yourself and your kids while remaining compassionate.
I certainly do so. You have educated me well. 😊
Originally Posted by Gerda
Eagle, you have been a real friend to me on these boards and I want to send you love and courage and strength on your journey. I hope you have a local friend to talk to about things to help stay clear-headed. I truly believe in restoration, hope you can take it slower than slower than slow. Sending you love and a bouquet of wildflowers and a prayer and a cup of tea with a friend.
Dear Gerda, Many thanks for your kind words. They mean so much to me. You are a true soul. I have one best friend, I know her since we were young and she knows everything. She also does not judge and remains compassionate at all times. Also something I truly need in my life.
Originally Posted by job
The reconnection is the hardest part of the journey. Why? Because, if he is reconnecting, you will want to get things back on track as soon as possible and it will not work that way. If you push or things happen too soon, he could be right out the door once again. Patience is the key. Wishing you the best of luck and if you get frustrated, please come here to talk. The door is always open.
Thank you Job. I know what you mean by that. Sometimes this is the case as you have many good memories together, it was once very good between us and you long for those moments but then you have to focus very well not to because this is simply not there anymore. But since I've been through this several times with him in recent years (not the first time he reconnects) I've learned from my mistakes and distanced myself enough to deal with this. I will certainly come here to talk when I have moments where I don’t know how to deal with it.
