WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - 1.5 Year Divorced (8)

[BL42]

bttrfly/OB/Mach1/Ginger,

Thanks for the feedback on ExFIL and D4. Despite the delayed response (always seem to take longer replying on my own thread than others' for some reason), I read through each of these a few times and it helped quite a bit.

In terms of ExFIL...

My parents and I had a relatively cordial almost friendly relationship (considering the situation) for the first 2+ years post-separation but after Halloween it's been a big switch and he's been very cold, standoffish, even rude. Since I posted we had D4's school Christmas concert where ExFIL and his wife said hello and were friendly to me, so thought maybe it was over, but then then next week he almost refused to acknowledge my parents when my mom gave a friendly hello and Happy New Years at D7's game.

BL, I'm going to suggest something that might be hard: dig deeper for some compassion for exFIL. Think about your daughter. Imagine her as an adult, married to a great guy, with a beautiful family, and she blows it all up. How would you feel? Heartbroken? Disappointed in her? Ashamed of her behavior? Questioning what you could have done differently as a parent? Devastated and worried for your grandchildren?

Secondly, ex FIL. I imagine he is struggling with this as well . I’m sure it is especially hard when the in laws are very close and it’s difficult to navigate for them as well.

I wonder if your X-FIL is having some feelings of failure on his part. He's caught somewhere in between feeling like he failed in some way with his daughter, and vowing to do everything that he can to be different with his grand-daughter.

I would venture that a lot of his anger is coming from feeling the loss of 'control' from everything that has happened. Feeling the resentment and anxiety from the interactions.

I would also think that he sees how good of a parent you are, and his loyalty should be with his Daughter, yet he feels torn between the loyalty to her and his loyalty to his grandchildren.

Your comments on empathy and compassion towards him are fair and well taken...I know for sure this situation between me and his daughter is giving him flashbacks of him and my ExMIL and haunting him. He's reliving it. They had even gone to Disney not long before he found out about her affair and divorce...just like me and ExW! Talk about a physiological replay. I used to wonder what ExW's IC said to her about that. And I know this whole thing has cause strain between him and ExW's side of the family because he's tried to stay friendly and cordial with us (if nothing else for the kids' sake), so maybe he's distancing himself for those reasons, which I really can't blame him for.

Re the interactions with the FIL, as everyone has always said on here, blood will always be thicker.

The second point is that once you stop giving a fuch about letting anyone else's mood affect you, the better your life will become. The FIL doesn't like you, zero fuchs given, that's your greatest power.

I honestly do not need to be best friends with him, and totally understand blood is thicker, but at least be cordial and not a jerk about it. Maybe it's the abrupt about face that's surprising. I think over time it'll either get better or to OB's point the "dont give a F about another mood and letting them affect you will take hold".

In terms of D4...

She's been wonderful since I last posted. Very happy, pleasant, enjoyed the holidays...etc. with very little emotional outbursts or meltdowns. So, not out of the words by any means and certainly need to monitor things, but a lot calmer and more at ease than after that rough week.

Well, she is a 4 year old girl, and they do throw tantrums and they do have meltdowns...I'm not saying to not keep an eye on it, just don't overthink this for right now.

The challenge with this - and a lot of things - is knowing what's "normal" versus what might be a serious issue due to the divorce. I need to read up more and talk to someone probably to get a better sense of the baseline.

I don’t think D4 per say needs therapy yet, but maybe some guidance from a professional in this area on how best to arrange your custody time for less stress.

D4 and meltdowns. Some on the words might remember in my previous screen and that my daughter was hell on wheels. Meltdowns, stubbornnes, everything, not listening. I was so stressed. It was awful. Parts of it is normal stuff. Girls are different creatures than girls. She was also bored in preschool and thankfully she went to kindergarten sooner than most. She would cause destruction. Part of it was transitions. The good news is my kid is a well-adjusted 15 year old now.

Ginger1 - Reading this helped immensely. Definitely put my mind more at ease. My #1 job is to do everything I can to make sure those two wonderful kiddos are alright. Now-S7 did struggle a good bit after BD and with separation and crying and missing mommy and transitions, but this D4 behavior is a different animal. Maybe it's just what she would've gone through as a 4yo anyway, who knows for sure, but it helps to hear your experience and I do believe we'll get her through this.

Having to do Halloween on different costumes is stressful! I would urge you guys to get a little more on the same page with that. One costume for the kids. Why do they have to have 2?

It wasn't a "have to" - it honestly doesn't matter to me what the kids are for Halloween - they just asked for that from both of us. But maybe in the moment and the upset feelings around having to cut out on his friends to go to mommy's escalated things. First year ExW went to OM2's niece's birthday party instead of coming over for the kids, so I had them myself. Since we split it up. Agreed things should go differently next year.

I absolutely think sitting down with a therapist to figure out what would make things easier on her is a great idea.

Agreed. Think we need to do just that.

Keep going man, you are knocking this out of the park....

First, I want you to know I think you're doing a fantastic job as a single dad.

BL, you're doing great, and its totally common after putting in 2 years of hard yakka on yourself, kids, gym, work, etc to regress a bit in the effort that you can make. Give yourself a break, recharge and get back to a good balance of work and play.

You are doing a great job navigating this really tough emotional and logistical situation. I know the holidays seem to amplify it. Make sure you take some time for yourself and do a little self care

Thanks all! Deeply appreciate the kind words of encouragement! Feel free to pour it on :-)