Stuck in limbo IV

[Doug54]

So, I think I may have figured out who the OM is. It’s not someone I know directly. Does this change anything? Should I tell W that I know, or drop the name to see her reaction?

I am leaning towards divorce but am stuck in the house with W for the time being. I forgot to add that she flipped out a little about thinking I may have a tracker on her car or had hired a PI the last time we argued, over her website visit. I was like, “is that something an innocent person says?”

I think it’s fairly clear this bs with the guy has been going on in some form for quite a while. The meetup frequency can’t be often at all, but still.

[bttrfly]

Doug,
I'm going to ask you a few questions. You don't need to answer them here, but at least please think about them.

1. Which one of you is racing towards Divorce court faster? It's been 2.5 years, and she's still there, in your home, with you. So, do you want to try to save this marriage or not?

2. What have you gained from all your sleuthing? Has it made you a better person? A better husband or father? How has it improved your life?

3. What about yourself are you avoiding by putting so much focus on your wife and her actions, and why are you avoiding it?

[LH19]

So, I think I may have figured out who the OM is. It’s not someone I know directly. Does this change anything? Should I tell W that I know, or drop the name to see her reaction?

Slow down and breathe.

I am leaning towards divorce but am stuck in the house with W for the time being.

That's ok. Not as bad as you think.

I forgot to add that she flipped out a little about thinking I may have a tracker on her car or had hired a PI the last time we argued, over her website visit. I was like, “is that something an innocent person says?”

Unfortunately from the sidelines we knew this was going on.

I think it’s fairly clear this bs with the guy has been going on in some form for quite a while. The meetup frequency can’t be often at all, but still.

Don't ever underestimate a WW.

[bttrfly]

So, I think I may have figured out who the OM is. It’s not someone I know directly. Does this change anything?

I don't know. Does it?

Should I tell W that I know, or drop the name to see her reaction?

To what end?
What's your objective, motivation, goal?

What do you hope happens by telling her?

I am leaning towards divorce but am stuck in the house with W for the time being.

is this really how you feel or is this anger talking?

I forgot to add that she flipped out a little about thinking I may have a tracker on her car or had hired a PI the last time we argued, over her website visit. I was like, “is that something an innocent person says?”

No one wants to be controlled Doug. No one.

I think it’s fairly clear this bs with the guy has been going on in some form for quite a while. The meetup frequency can’t be often at all, but still.

Forget what she is or isn't, may or may not be doing.

Focus on yourself. What do you want? What are your core values? How do you want to spend the rest of your life?

Take the focus off of her.

[Ready2Change]

The meetup frequency can’t be often at all

I bet you are wrong.

Why are you focused on the wrong person?

There are three people you can choose to focus on:
1) Your Wife
2) OM
3) yourself

Which one are you going to have the most control over?

As I read through the forums on Divorce Busting, I like to grab the nuggets of gold and share.

My advise, commit to personal growth. What you judge in others, you condemn in yourself. Take all the focus off of your spouse and address your own issues. How hard is it to change your own behavior? Now think how hard (almost impossible) to change someone else.

If you have kids, commit to being the best parent ever. Frequent and equal contact with both parents is important. You are responsible for your relationship with your kids. Let your spouse be responsible for their relationship with the kids. Learn new ways of parenting. Lots of great books out there. Most of the relationship skills dealing with spouse will also help in parenting.

Set goals for the future and keep taking steps to get there. Do this in all areas (SPIES - Social, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual.) Get in alignment (Beliefs, Thoughts, Body Language, Tones, Words, Actions) with your core values.

Try new ways of interacting. Read about boundaries and learn how to set and enforce them. Be in the present. Let go of the past and do not fear the future. Learn ways of being more attractive, especially in your behavior. Learn ways of being seductive (indirectly attracting). This is an extremely important set of skills to understand.

The best way to respond to a particular event? Initially, the best action to take is no action. Do your homework here. Do not react emotionally. Stay neutral. Seek wise council here. Evaluate all the different options and the possible outcomes of each. Challenge your current beliefs. Make a choice and live with the consequences, good or bad. Things are predictable. Read and read and read. Get mentally ahead of your spouse in the whole process ASAP, they are ahead right now.



As far as your spouse, until you have enough info to prove this wrong, assume there is another person (Hint: This is your first 180). Do not reveal anything about what you know and how you found out. "We both know that is a lie." is a great way to deal with any deception.



I wish everyone well during these difficult times. Remember that everything will be OK no matter what the WAS chooses.

[Doug54]

Doug,
I'm going to ask you a few questions. You don't need to answer them here, but at least please think about them.

1. Which one of you is racing towards Divorce court faster? It's been 2.5 years, and she's still there, in your home, with you. So, do you want to try to save this marriage or not?

It's been 1.5 years at most and she's more or less financially stuck here.

2. What have you gained from all your sleuthing?

A dose of reality, perhaps.

3. What about yourself are you avoiding by putting so much focus on your wife and her actions, and why are you avoiding it?

I like you bttrfly, but this feels like gaslighting.

[Doug54]

is this really how you feel or is this anger talking?

I'm starting to feel like I would prefer to cut bait when the time (financially) is right. Read LH's post in this thread about how he now realizes what it's like to be treated right and not feel anxiety whenever his wife's phone vibrates. I wouldn't say that last part applies to me in that exact form, but W's phone is definitely part of the duplicitousness.

Focus on yourself. What do you want? What are your core values? How do you want to spend the rest of your life?

Trust and companionship would be two important ones if we're talking about relationships. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone willing to have affairs. Sometimes what gets broken doesn't go back together again.

[bttrfly]

Doug,
I'm going to ask you a few questions. You don't need to answer them here, but at least please think about them.

1. Which one of you is racing towards Divorce court faster? It's been 2.5 years, and she's still there, in your home, with you. So, do you want to try to save this marriage or not?

It's been 1.5 years at most and she's more or less financially stuck here.

You did not answer my question: do you want to save this marriage or not? No need to answer that here, but I think it would be a good exercise for you to think about it.

2. What have you gained from all your sleuthing?

A dose of reality, perhaps.

Reality in what sense? Has it improved your life, your marriage, your outlook? Does it bring you closer to your goal?

3. What about yourself are you avoiding by putting so much focus on your wife and her actions, and why are you avoiding it?

I like you bttrfly, but this feels like gaslighting.

Thank you Doug, I like you too and I hope that asking you these questions helps you get some clarity in your sitch. I've honestly never been accused of gaslighting before, so forgive me that's new for me to wrap my mind around.

Maybe I need to phrase it differently: You're putting a lot of energy and focus on your wife and what she is/isn't/may be/may not be doing. You could be putting that energy and focus on yourself, what you want in your life, how you want to live your life, what's truly important to you as an individual and as a partner or from a partner. You seem to be putting the focus on her. Why? Does that get you closer to your goal? Do you have a clear idea of what your goal is?

You really need to know what your goal is.

I hope that I've articulated this more clearly so there's no confusion about gaslighting.

[bttrfly]

is this really how you feel or is this anger talking?

I'm starting to feel like I would prefer to cut bait when the time (financially) is right. Read LH's post in this thread about how he now realizes what it's like to be treated right and not feel anxiety whenever his wife's phone vibrates. I wouldn't say that last part applies to me in that exact form, but W's phone is definitely part of the duplicitousness.

Focus on yourself. What do you want? What are your core values? How do you want to spend the rest of your life?

Trust and companionship would be two important ones if we're talking about relationships. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone willing to have affairs. Sometimes what gets broken doesn't go back together again.

I understand these statements. This is what I was driving at in my previous post. Once you know what's important to you, the rest falls into place. It becomes less about their actions and more about your wants and needs.

The thing is, it's really important to act from a place that's not driven by anger and hurt. That is a huge ask when you've been lied to, betrayed, cheated on. Believe me, I get that. So what's the best you can do to ensure that if/when you make a decision and take an action you're doing so from a place of strength rather than from anger or hurt?

To me, that last question is the jackpot. You don't want to take an action that you will ultimately regret. Rather, taking an action in a way that honors your core values will lead to I think a better outcome.

[BL42]

Doug54,

So, I think I may have figured out who the OM is. It’s not someone I know directly.

Do you know OM's circumstances? (How old is he? is he married? In town or far away? ...etc.). Although I agree with others you should do your best not to dwell on him (though in my experience that's easier said than done) and to instead focus on yourself, some of those answers might inform your actions.

Does this change anything?

Probably not. It's was always very likely there was a affair...in any of these situations.

Should I tell W that I know, or drop the name to see her reaction?

Usually folks here advise not to reveal what or how much you know. First, your gut is almost always right so if you think it's a particular guy it likely is. Second, you can confirm it 100% if you really want to without floating it for her reaction. Third, she'll like fake a reaction and lie to you anyway. Fourth, you'll reveal your cards and she'll be extra careful hiding it.

I am leaning towards divorce but am stuck in the house with W for the time being.

Don't react emotionally. Process your feelings before making any decisions - and I'm sure you have some.

I forgot to add that she flipped out a little about thinking I may have a tracker on her car or had hired a PI the last time we argued, over her website visit.

Did you?

I was like, “is that something an innocent person says?”

No, it's not. She's projecting her guilty feelings onto you.

I think it’s fairly clear this bs with the guy has been going on in some form for quite a while. The meetup frequency can’t be often at all, but still.

Like LH & R2C said...don't be so sure. It's incredible the stories of how the WS met up with AP.

I like you bttrfly, but this feels like gaslighting.

Doug - bttrfly is asking you a whole bunch of really important questions. She's not gaslighting you. You're likely worked up about OM's identity. Trust me, I've been there. That's completely understandable. But once you step back you should do some self-reflection on bttrfly's questions.