WW Help (3)

[bttrfly]

Absolutely! I always found reading your posts really helpful bttrfly.

thank you for saying that, Kind. I appreciate it. Yes, DB works even if it doesn't save your marriage, because it will save you.

DB allowed me to step out of the chaos my exh created during his MLC so that I could focus on what was most important to me, truthfully for the first time in a very long time. The time and space created by going inward and really thinking about what meant the most to me allowed me to re-define my core values. Obviously I cared about saving our marriage and my son meant everything to me, but the point is to put aside the marriage and the kids and delve deep inside yourself to think about what makes YOU tick. I'm so glad I took the time to do that, because everything flowed from that discovery. The most eye-opening thing I learned was that I really don't have much in common with people who aren't grateful for the many blessings life bestows, and unfortunately that included my husband.

I still stood for my marriage, hoping the angry, ungrateful MLC pod person who was in possession of my husband's body would leave and let the loving, kind and generous man I'd known for so long return to us. As time wore on, it became apparent that pod guy was here for the long haul.

I needed to live my life in alignment with the values I'd taken the time to uncover: honesty, loyalty, humor, fierce compassion, love and gratitude. I needed to be the lighthouse for my son, a safe and stable parent who was never going to leave for something more interesting on the horizon. I needed to embody my values so my son could learn what I felt was most important. I certainly didn't want him taking his father's example! And, I'll be honest, my hope and prayer was that my husband would realize what he was throwing away and come back.

Well, he didn't come back. I see today something I couldn't see in the middle of the mess: our values are really widely divergent. They weren't always so, but they are today. I love him but I have no respect for his choices or behavior. I may understand the drivers which brought him to crisis. I certainly feel fierce compassion towards him, but what he's done, said, how's he has behaved is not ok. There's a line. The line was about his treatment of our son, and his lack of ability or inclination to co-parent.

One of us crossed the Rubicon - I'm not sure which, nor does it much matter. There's only one direction to go in, and that's Forward. At least I'm doing so with a full understanding of my own core values.

Maybe that will resonate with someone.

[Rockon]

Resonates it’s me with depth clarity and conviction

[BL42]

How's it going, FwdMvmnt? What ended up happening with your Holiday trip?

[FwdMvmnt]

Hey all,
Long time since last post. Ended up doing the ride home together which was ok. She stayed on her headphones and we didn’t talk much. We picked up the car from the airport the next day and this is when I picked the rope back up. Shows my weakness. I have to stay stronger, she started talking and I talked back. We ended up kissing at the airport. She told me how much she enjoyed it and it fired those engines back up. Such a mistake. She texts me she blocked the guy she was talking to and started trying to show affection. My daughters and sim were around this entire week and GAL has been hard. She started texting the OM last night again and ended up admitting it. I have to start this all over again due to my weakness. Might be too late at this point. I have felt so weak this last week and needed to put it out there, I’ve been dreading the post. Need to hold myself to account.

I have my rescheduled L appointment on the 11th with a call into another one to see if can get sooner. I have been working my program, starting Step 8, I also have had 2 coaching sessions with my life coach. This has been good his opinion is to get out of the marriage. I also start Krav Maga classes this week which will give me something to do in the evenings. My biggest struggle is finding evening activities and being too accessible to her.

I hope everyone had a great holiday and happy new year!

[FwdMvmnt]

I wrote my coach’s opinion is to get out of the marriage, I should not have used the word opinion. He ask questions around the purpose of staying, etc.

[Ready2Change]

I’ve been dreading the post.

Nothing to dread here. We all make mistakes. Learning from them is the key.

We ended up kissing at the airport.

Passionately or like you would kiss your mom?

She texts me she blocked the guy she was talking to

She started texting the OM last night again and ended up admitting it.

I don't think her behavior should be your focus.

When I was dating, I was looking for a woman that was open and honest. Pretty easy to sift through women. Those were the top traits. Anything dishonest and I would move on.


You are in a different sitch and should be aware of times when W is being open or honest. If she is being open and honest, I would give her some attention, even if it is things you do not want to hear. When she is dishonest or being deceptive, let her know that you will not accept that type of behavior by pulling away. No need to verbalize, but let you actions clearly communicate.

[DnJ]

Hello F

I’m glad you dropped in. I was starting to wonder what may have happened.

I have felt so weak this last week and needed to put it out there, I’ve been dreading the post.

Please do not dread posting. We have all been there.

I get the feeling of weakness. Posting, getting it out in the open, does help. And, like any feeling, it will pass.

I have to start this all over again due to my weakness. Might be too late at this point.

It’s not too late. Heck, things are barely started. Cut yourself some slack.

I know it feels like having to start all over. However, it really isn’t. We all experience setbacks. Funny thing, these setbacks turn out to be steps forward. One learns much and applies this knowledge going forward. That’s basically life, an unending series of lessons. Always something new to learn. And when learning, one is not proficient at it. Embrace the lesson, get up, dust off, and move forward.

Really glad the car ride went smoothly.

How was New Years?

D

[FwdMvmnt]

Thanks R2C and DnJ
I love the advice, and will definitely learn from this. I could feel myself in some of these moments knowing I just messed up lol. I need to find some more GAL. Will keep updating.

[bttrfly]

the guys are right - no worries here. this is your place. we're here to help, not judge. not one of us came here and DB'd perfectly every minute of every day.

Krav Maga is AWESOME! I think you will really enjoy it.

It's very hard to detach in close quarters.

I found it nearly impossible not to react to my exh's moods, not to be immediately available and responsive to texts or phone calls, as I'd been for more than half my life. I had to re-train my brain.

R2C is spot on about her behavior not being your focus. That's the road to perdition.

[FwdMvmnt]

Thanks bttrfly,
It’s difficult for sure. Just have to adjust minder and be stronger.