Stuck in limbo IV

[DnJ]

Good Morning Doug

I like your summary. It’s an interesting timeline with some key moments.

-August 2019: stepdaughter goes away to college. W cries on the drive home after we move her in. In hindsight, I'm wondering if this was a kickoff point for W's MLC.

A child going to college and/or moving out, the family growing up, us growing old, pretty common fodder for a trigger. My W also cried when our first son went to university. There was also the death of her Grandma and Grandpa. Lots of life’s pressures around that time. She ended up leaving the kids before they could leave her. What an odd solution she came up with. Ah, such confusion. To her that likely felt right.

-March 2020: Covid. Everyone is home. I don't necessarily remember more stress in our particular household, but there seems to be plenty of literature about Covid / lockdowns straining relationships.

Yes, there are plenty of reports of increased stressed. And, in my view, lots of increased stress from such reports. Folks listen and will usually do (or manifest) what they hear.

-November 2021: W asks me to help fix her laptop and flies across the kitchen to grab it away when a Facebook Messenger window pops up. Everything happened too quickly for me to read anything. Lots of arguing about it that day.

-December 2021: we take a trip as a couple right before New Year's. Everything seems fine.

-February-ish to March/April 2022: W seems to be growing distant and starts seeing a counselor in March. This turned out to be largely an attempt at painting me as a bad husband / "narcissist" and more or less legitimizing her EA and possibly PA. The "bomb drop" came in the form of me pressing her about what was going on. There was a reference to how it might just be a phase she was going through and she didn't "feel the same" towards me. (insert eye roll emoji)

Time from trigger to running seems about right. I’m sure the lockdown delayed her journey somewhat.

-May to July 2022: probably the height of "going through the motions" in the household. There were still bedroom relations but almost all talk was limited to kid-related stuff. We do three ill-advised joint counseling sessions and a "keeping up appearances" summer trip with the kids. Before this past week, the last time I snooped around was I believe the end of July.

-August to November 2022: I try to apply DB principles and adopt that mindset for the most part. No snooping around, which I feel helps my mental state, but in doing so, I guess I was burying my head in the sand. W pulls back on going to her counselor and no talk of divorce or splitting up. Some ups and downs in there, I'm sure (going by memory here). I largely stabilize at work with not thinking about the marriage situation all the time.

Snooping around is just going to hurt you. Good for stopping. That is not burying your head in the sand, that is a conscious choice and decision to focus on things that are more important - like you and kids!

And it removes pressure from W. Gives plenty of time and space. All things she did respond to.

-December 2022: Mostly a good month. W seems a little less guarded with her phone and even shows me a few things on it, lets son play on it. Probably a mirage. W increases non-sexual touch at bedtime (in addition to sexual touch at times)- back scratches, etc. which had been absent for quite a while. General conversation is almost about normal. We talk about things other than just the kids. W goes to get breast augmentation procedure, texting me often and "after" photos. W vents about my parents increasingly, a frequent source of conflict. I try to validate but once or twice make an offhand comment like "Why do you care about them so much? It's not going to matter before too long" (a reference to splitting up).

In August you started to apply DB principles. More or less. And W’s did notice and even had a positive response. Interesting the influence one yields. Make no mistake, she still needs to walk her path. DB keeps you sane and not throwing boulders in her way.

I wonder why W has increasing conflict with your parents. I suspect she is projecting upon them. Perhaps feelings from/about her own parents and upbringing. Things she doesn’t yet, and cannot yet, see clearly.

Comments like “why do you care about them so much” and “it’s not going to matter before too long” are not helpful. Her venting feelings do matter. To her. Invalidating them and her will place her target upon you.

Validating feelings isn’t agreeing. And I get how you likely want to correct someone dismissing/disrespecting your parents. For items W brings up, that are clearly factually incorrect, you can let some go, and you can counter some - I’m sorry you feel that way, however my parents <insert truth dart statement>. Don’t do this for every single thing, too many darts lose their sting.

And realize, W is unlikely to see things in your way. She’ll argue the sky is red all day long. So, don’t argue. Just agree and validate. She will hear and eventually start to see blue sky, in her own time.

Admittedly, I backslid a little and snooped around recently. I saw that W had paid for some online sex course thing and confronted her about it. Definitely not adhering to DB principles, obviously.

-Late December: discover the sex site online course thing. Open separate bank account the next day. See that W had messaged her counselor about it, venting. Also in there:

W: "I feel guilty and awful now, I mean, it is because of things I'm doing"
Counselor: "Don't know what to tell you about that"
W: "It's all jealousy and wants to punish me"
W: "But he'll go along just fine without a care in the world and then suddenly decides to fixate on me doing something. Nothing has changed, he just decides to get obsessive."

(No further reply from counselor). That reference to me "going along just fine" is obviously where I'm trying to DB and not act controlling. So anyway - extremely long-winded recap of where not snooping might get you - obliviousness.

That is certainly some snooping around. Finding her private conversation between her and her counselor. And bringing that up to her. Doug, stop going down that road. That is a cheese-less tunnel for your emotional state.

A person in crisis has to grow up, and unfortunately that often includes some unsavoury behaviours. Pressure, blaming, judging, etc. will all delay the MLCer’s journey and propel them out the door and away from that source. Don’t place that target upon yourself. She will place it there enough all on her own.

Nothing has changed, he just decides to get obsessive.

W sees your changes, and is questioning if she can trust them. Recent snooping/setback is not the answer you want her to have. Be better, not bitter. Be Doug 2.0.

That reference to me "going along just fine" is obviously where I'm trying to DB and not act controlling.

Yep. Now stop trying and start doing.

So anyway - extremely long-winded recap of where not snooping might get you - obliviousness.

Obliviousness. Hmmm.

It’s clear where snooping does get one.

Not snooping. The mind has trouble doing “not”. For example, do not think of elephants. And now you’ve conjured an elephant in your mind. To do “not” we actually first have to do, then ignore. And that reinforces the very thing one is “trying” to not do.

To not snoop. Do otherwise. Focus on you. GAL. Be active. Etc. (Idle hands and all. )

We make a purposeful effort until those changes, the desired new behaviour, takes hold and becomes who we are.

I do not equate snoop-free with being oblivious. Plenty of information will present itself without one needing to dig. That need to dig is driven by ego. A need to be right. A need to judge. A need to condemn. Something you can (and should) let go of, if/when you choose to.

What would you recommend?

Both.

Turn your focus from W and into something better. That is not ignoring, just less following. Live and love your life. And at times hold W appropriately accountable, letting her consequences befall as they do. Boundary driven, not manipulating or such.

D