I also agree with LH that she's throwing you under the bus in the text with the counselor. She's blaming you for her problems.
By the way, I also recently found out some troubling information (my H's affairs) through an anti-DB method. I didn't snoop though, I steered an interaction towards an R talk. I understand the many reasons why not having R talks are the #1 rule of DBing: among others, it will likely become highly charged, pushing your spouse even further away, and your spouse will probably not be 100% honest and/or give unsatisfying answers because they are likely confused themselves. All of this is incredibly painful for the LBS.
But in the end, I think my anti-DBing move actually served my ultimate DB goal of taking my power back and maintaining my sanity. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely traumatized by H's confession of the affairs. But I nevertheless appreciate knowing what's going on. And I prefer to have gotten the info from him rather than from someone else, which was bound to happen eventually. I am also relieved, in a way, to know that I wasn't crazy to harbor suspicions.
I admit that I am totally itching to know more about the extent of my H's infidelity, but at least for now, the healthiest choice for me is just to leave it here, just process the knowledge of the existence of the infidelity without torturing myself with details.
So I guess the point is, it's all about how you react to the information. I really see the wisdom R2C and LH19's advice re: 1) stop snooping once you know what is going on and 2) either ignore and GAL or confront and be firm about consequences. What reaction(s) will best serve your goals?
Marching, thanks for chiming in. I appreciate your insight. As far as my goals, we have three children at home and I am trying to maintain their equilibrium for the time being. S14 seems to be losing respect for W. He witnessed her pretty drunk at home New Year's after stepson 19 was her designated driver. He has said more than once that he wants to "live with me" if we get divorced (I'm not sure he knows how child custody works).
I guess it's kind of good knowing a little more now and not "having my head in the sand" but I have been really p!ssed off. Not an ideal place to be.
