Marching in limbo with MLC H (2)

[Kind18]

Zero support.

Simple validation. “I’m sorry you’re ……….

I agree.

I prefer “that sure sounds tough” to “I’m sorry” statements.

[marching]

Thank you LH18, BL42, bttrfly, and Kind18 for your advice. I've been so busy GALing that I haven't responded to H yet. Got a really packed day of GALing tomorrow, too.

LH18, I can see why my posts give off the impression that I put the 100% blame entirely on H. My reflections on my role in the marital issues leading up to BD are brief and scattered in just a handful of posts here. I've actually thought about this a lot offline, in IC and in my personal journal. I agree that it's an important exercise; I don't want to make the same mistakes in a future R. And it's just good for my growth as a person overall.

[BL42]

I've been so busy GALing that I haven't responded to H yet. Got a really packed day of GALing tomorrow, too.

Excellent! This is one of the top things you can do to feel better.

I can see why my posts give off the impression that I put the 100% blame entirely on H. My reflections on my role in the marital issues leading up to BD are brief and scattered in just a handful of posts here. I've actually thought about this a lot offline, in IC and in my personal journal. I agree that it's an important exercise; I don't want to make the same mistakes in a future R. And it's just good for my growth as a person overall.

IC & personal journaling are great. If you can to share here we can help too.

Hope you had a good New Years, marching.

[marching]

Thanks so much BL42. I hope you had a good New Years, too.
---

It's a been a roller coaster since he admitted to the affairs. I didn't ask for details because I didn't want to know. Just that confession was painful enough. Even though I had been bracing myself for it, it was still a shock. I think I am still in a state of shock. My appetite and sleeping patterns had only recently gone back to normal, but the past week, they've gone back to the early post-BD days. The past couple days of GALing only blunted the emotions. In the quiet moments, more questions bubble up. I imagine things. Of course I know nothing.

How long has this been going on? What is the real timeline? What did the "crush" on OP1 entail? (I'm using OP rather than OW to make the affair partner even more anonymous in my mind.)

What was the point of telling me that he doesn't have a crush on OP1 any more and that he's on OP2 now?

OP1 follows me on instagram and has occasionally made friendly comments on my stories. She recently said that if I were to go back to Country B, we should go bouldering. What kind of sick behavior is that?

How did his friends react when he informed them of OP2? Have they met her? Who else knows about the OPs?

A week or so before BD, when he sounded unusually cheerful and was talking about how excited he was about the new chapter of our lives together, he sent me a nude pic. He had never done this and I was happy to get the picture; it was a playful one. I put it down to his cheerfulness. But now I wonder if he sent it to me by mistake. If it was meant for someone else. So f*d up.

When he mentioned feeling guilty about various nights out with his friends, was it because he felt bad about the spending or drinking? Or was it because he cheated? I never even considered it. He often sent me pictures of the parties and told me about them.

Has he been lying about everything all this time?

I can only assume the worst. And think about something else. I want to ask. But do I really? Should I ask?

I've been reading a lot about the psychology of affairs. How cheaters compartmentalize. How affairs most often implode at some point. It helps with processing the anger and trauma. Sometimes I can even dredge up some gallows humor. I look at the soap opera that my life has become and laugh. Even feel bemused at the mess that H has made of his life.

I am not taking any responsibility for H's infidelity. I own my side of the street, but any marital problems we had were not a justification for betrayal. I realize now that he stuff he said during BD were excuses for his cheating. He sounded so angry at me. So for a while I thought it was my fault. I really threw myself under the bus. And that's why I accepted his cruelty at first. I thought I, at some level, deserved it, and I empathized with this pain.

[marching]

I got more legal advice from a lawyer based in Big City that is licensed to practice in both Country A and B. Turns out the differing advice H and I received from separate lawyers in Country B only give part of the picture; they didn't consider how to ensure that a divorce in Country B would be recognized by Country A, where we married. This "paperwork" is going to be a huge PITA.

After feeling hurt by H's pressure to get the divorce going, I now want it done quickly, too. I don't want any more of our marital $ supporting H's adultery.

[marching]

That said, I know that I am still reeling from trauma. It's recommended that people avoid making big decisions in this state.

[Kind18]

Sorry you’re here 😢

Welcome to the boards. It’s a safe space, full of wonderful people who will help you navigate this journey.

(By the way, yes, I am aware that affairs are common during MLC. I try not to torture myself with speculation, but I have braced myself for the possibility.)

I don’t think I’d consider it a “possibility” after reading your post. I think I’d almost call it “a dead certainty”.

Keep coming back and keep posting. It’s a wild, long ride this divorce business. You seem very level headed and calm so far … that will stand you in good stead.

Time and time again this rings true.

Sudden bomb day, weird behaviour, sudden swings toward/away from you, opportunity with lots of time apart in different locations - it screams affair every single time.

Hang in there Marching. Keep moving forward.

[DnJ]

Hello m

It's a been a roller coaster since he admitted to the affairs. I didn't ask for details because I didn't want to know. Just that confession was painful enough. Even though I had been bracing myself for it, it was still a shock. I think I am still in a state of shock. My appetite and sleeping patterns had only recently gone back to normal, but the past week, they've gone back to the early post-BD days. The past couple days of GALing only blunted the emotions. In the quiet moments, more questions bubble up. I imagine things. Of course I know nothing.

Yep, even bracing, it’s still quite a gut punch.

I'm using OP rather than OW to make the affair partner even more anonymous in my mind.

If I may, use OW.

Grief is interesting stuff. Wanting to use “other person” comes from the wanting of denial. Also some bargaining mixed in. It’s emotionally trying to hang on the old “normal”.

You actually know OW1, so trying to make her anonymous is just working against yourself. (((Hugs))). Being accurate in thought and heart leads best to detachment, and is generally the best path forward

Has he been lying about everything all this time?

Sadly, yes. Lying to himself. Realize that. He lied to himself long before he ever lied to you.

I can only assume the worst.

Well, no. Not really.

You can do plenty of things.

Often we assume far worse than actually happens. Remember, be accurate in thought and heart.

What is you assuming the worse? What H did? Or why he did it? I suspect your imagined worst would be some form of you being the cause. That’s how I was in my situation, me assuming the worse placed the blame/reason upon me. Pretty crazy how the one cheated on always thinks it’s something wrong with them. Believe me, H’s affair is about him, not you. No need to make all those incorrect assumptions.

…think about something else.

Exactly. Focus on you. GAL. Live and love your life.

I want to ask. But do I really? Should I ask?

No. Do not ask. You cannot trust his answers anyhow. Honestly, your need to know will diminish and fade. Even extinguish. Acknowledge your desire/want to ask, and let it go.

I've been reading a lot about the psychology of affairs. How cheaters compartmentalize. How affairs most often implode at some point. It helps with processing the anger and trauma. Sometimes I can even dredge up some gallows humor. I look at the soap opera that my life has become and laugh. Even feel bemused at the mess that H has made of his life.

Yep, most affairs will implode, for they are built upon lies and deceit. It’s a terrible basis to form a relationship upon. A weak and unstable foundation, like that of sand, unable to withstand the storms and pressures of life.

I am not taking any responsibility for H's infidelity. I own my side of the street, but any marital problems we had were not a justification for betrayal. I realize now that he stuff he said during BD were excuses for his cheating. He sounded so angry at me. So for a while I thought it was my fault. I really threw myself under the bus. And that's why I accepted his cruelty at first. I thought I, at some level, deserved it, and I empathized with this pain.

I’m glad you are seeing clearer.

After feeling hurt by H's pressure to get the divorce going, I now want it done quickly, too. I don't want any more of our marital $ supporting H's adultery.

That said, I know that I am still reeling from trauma. It's recommended that people avoid making big decisions in this state.

Yes. Major life decisions made from an emotional place usually lead to regret.

Give yourself some time. Find your balance again.

D

[BL42]

Time and time again this rings true.

Sudden bomb day, weird behaviour, sudden swings toward/away from you, opportunity with lots of time apart in different locations - it screams affair every single time.

Indeed.

I want to ask. But do I really? Should I ask?

No. Do not ask. You cannot trust his answers anyhow. Honestly, your need to know will diminish and fade. Even extinguish. Acknowledge your desire/want to ask, and let it go.

Agreed. Don't ask. First, you likely won't get the truth from him. Second, it won't serve you anyway.

marching, I completely understand all those questions. I get it, trust me. The thing is they don't matter anymore. The sooner you can put them behind you and look forward the sooner you'll feel much better and go on to live a great life.

After feeling hurt by H's pressure to get the divorce going, I now want it done quickly, too. I don't want any more of our marital $ supporting H's adultery.

That said, I know that I am still reeling from trauma. It's recommended that people avoid making big decisions in this state.

Yes. Major life decisions made from an emotional place usually lead to regret.

Give yourself some time. Find your balance again.

Notice how you first wanted to delay it, and now you want to speed it up? Your feelings can change over time. That's why it's good idea to step back and take your time like DnJ says. If there are no major financial downside to giving it time then you don't need to rush into a hasty decision.

[marching]

Thanks for the support, Kind18.

DnJ, I feel stronger every time I read (and reread!) your advice. Yes, I will use OW from now on. I think you hit the nail on the head—using "OP" is a grief response. Better to face the reality head on.

By "assuming the worst," I mean the following: that OW1 is not actually the first affair partner, that things with her were way less innocent than a "crush," that the nude picture he sent to me was meant for someone else, and that things with OW1 started way earlier than he implied. I am going to schedule an STD test.

I won't ask for more information. It's enough to know about the infidelity. Why torture myself with who's and when's and where's and why's. I'm with you BL42, H will not be honest. In his current state, H is unstable and untrustworthy.

And yep, it's really funny to me how feelings can change. I'm aware that I went from wanting to slow things down to speeding them up. The situation feels so different now. But is it really? I had my suspicions confirmed. In some ways, nothing has really changed.

Even if I were to start proceedings, it will take at very least several months to complete them. It will be a grueling process. Not something to begin while I am in shock. I have nothing to lose by giving myself at least a few weeks to recover. What is a few weeks in the span of a months-long D process.

Lizard Brain Marching really does NOT like the idea of H using marital assets for his affairs. Our money, our car. Lizard Brain Marching wants to take that all away from him.

Slighty Calmer Marching has, I think, legitimate concerns about H's spending. I don't have access to any of that information, but now that I know how crazy he is right now...I want to protect myself financially.

I'm going to talk all this through in IC and keep consulting the lawyer.