Marching in limbo with MLC H (2)

[DnJ]

Hello m

It's a been a roller coaster since he admitted to the affairs. I didn't ask for details because I didn't want to know. Just that confession was painful enough. Even though I had been bracing myself for it, it was still a shock. I think I am still in a state of shock. My appetite and sleeping patterns had only recently gone back to normal, but the past week, they've gone back to the early post-BD days. The past couple days of GALing only blunted the emotions. In the quiet moments, more questions bubble up. I imagine things. Of course I know nothing.

Yep, even bracing, it’s still quite a gut punch.

I'm using OP rather than OW to make the affair partner even more anonymous in my mind.

If I may, use OW.

Grief is interesting stuff. Wanting to use “other person” comes from the wanting of denial. Also some bargaining mixed in. It’s emotionally trying to hang on the old “normal”.

You actually know OW1, so trying to make her anonymous is just working against yourself. (((Hugs))). Being accurate in thought and heart leads best to detachment, and is generally the best path forward

Has he been lying about everything all this time?

Sadly, yes. Lying to himself. Realize that. He lied to himself long before he ever lied to you.

I can only assume the worst.

Well, no. Not really.

You can do plenty of things.

Often we assume far worse than actually happens. Remember, be accurate in thought and heart.

What is you assuming the worse? What H did? Or why he did it? I suspect your imagined worst would be some form of you being the cause. That’s how I was in my situation, me assuming the worse placed the blame/reason upon me. Pretty crazy how the one cheated on always thinks it’s something wrong with them. Believe me, H’s affair is about him, not you. No need to make all those incorrect assumptions.

…think about something else.

Exactly. Focus on you. GAL. Live and love your life.

I want to ask. But do I really? Should I ask?

No. Do not ask. You cannot trust his answers anyhow. Honestly, your need to know will diminish and fade. Even extinguish. Acknowledge your desire/want to ask, and let it go.

I've been reading a lot about the psychology of affairs. How cheaters compartmentalize. How affairs most often implode at some point. It helps with processing the anger and trauma. Sometimes I can even dredge up some gallows humor. I look at the soap opera that my life has become and laugh. Even feel bemused at the mess that H has made of his life.

Yep, most affairs will implode, for they are built upon lies and deceit. It’s a terrible basis to form a relationship upon. A weak and unstable foundation, like that of sand, unable to withstand the storms and pressures of life.

I am not taking any responsibility for H's infidelity. I own my side of the street, but any marital problems we had were not a justification for betrayal. I realize now that he stuff he said during BD were excuses for his cheating. He sounded so angry at me. So for a while I thought it was my fault. I really threw myself under the bus. And that's why I accepted his cruelty at first. I thought I, at some level, deserved it, and I empathized with this pain.

I’m glad you are seeing clearer.

After feeling hurt by H's pressure to get the divorce going, I now want it done quickly, too. I don't want any more of our marital $ supporting H's adultery.

That said, I know that I am still reeling from trauma. It's recommended that people avoid making big decisions in this state.

Yes. Major life decisions made from an emotional place usually lead to regret.

Give yourself some time. Find your balance again.

D