Thanks so much BL42. I hope you had a good New Years, too. ---
It's a been a roller coaster since he admitted to the affairs. I didn't ask for details because I didn't want to know. Just that confession was painful enough. Even though I had been bracing myself for it, it was still a shock. I think I am still in a state of shock. My appetite and sleeping patterns had only recently gone back to normal, but the past week, they've gone back to the early post-BD days. The past couple days of GALing only blunted the emotions. In the quiet moments, more questions bubble up. I imagine things. Of course I know nothing.
How long has this been going on? What is the real timeline? What did the "crush" on OP1 entail? (I'm using OP rather than OW to make the affair partner even more anonymous in my mind.)
What was the point of telling me that he doesn't have a crush on OP1 any more and that he's on OP2 now?
OP1 follows me on instagram and has occasionally made friendly comments on my stories. She recently said that if I were to go back to Country B, we should go bouldering. What kind of sick behavior is that?
How did his friends react when he informed them of OP2? Have they met her? Who else knows about the OPs?
A week or so before BD, when he sounded unusually cheerful and was talking about how excited he was about the new chapter of our lives together, he sent me a nude pic. He had never done this and I was happy to get the picture; it was a playful one. I put it down to his cheerfulness. But now I wonder if he sent it to me by mistake. If it was meant for someone else. So f*d up.
When he mentioned feeling guilty about various nights out with his friends, was it because he felt bad about the spending or drinking? Or was it because he cheated? I never even considered it. He often sent me pictures of the parties and told me about them.
Has he been lying about everything all this time?
I can only assume the worst. And think about something else. I want to ask. But do I really? Should I ask?
I've been reading a lot about the psychology of affairs. How cheaters compartmentalize. How affairs most often implode at some point. It helps with processing the anger and trauma. Sometimes I can even dredge up some gallows humor. I look at the soap opera that my life has become and laugh. Even feel bemused at the mess that H has made of his life.
I am not taking any responsibility for H's infidelity. I own my side of the street, but any marital problems we had were not a justification for betrayal. I realize now that he stuff he said during BD were excuses for his cheating. He sounded so angry at me. So for a while I thought it was my fault. I really threw myself under the bus. And that's why I accepted his cruelty at first. I thought I, at some level, deserved it, and I empathized with this pain.
