I still struggle internally with a mindset of "As long as you're living in the house and we're not divorced or separated, it's not ok that you're effing around, up to no good on your phone or whatever else." I don't say that but it permeates my thoughts at times.
I understand your struggle with her behaviour. You cannot control what she does.
Originally Posted by Doug54
And my ego still gets in the way of having a complete attitude of "who cares what W is up to?"
A few thoughts for you.
It’s not about being non-caring. I still care what XW is up to (at times). It’s that those thoughts don’t drag me around; don’t limit my life, behaviour, or actions; nor do those thoughts or her behaviours define me.
It’s about accepting. And as you see, ego plays a part in that struggle. “It’s not ok that you’re effing around…”, yep true. And what can you do about it? Can you prevent it? Nope. Can you force her to not? Nope. Can you influence her? Maybe. Can you alter yourself? Find peace? Yes.
You can care what she is doing, and let go.
Ego. Telling yourself “it’s not ok”, is judging her. And that reinforces your emotions. Drags you around. Let that go. It’s for God to judge her, not you.
How to let go? Realize, yes it is not ok, or wanted, or proper, or right, etc, for a married women to behave that way. (You got that step. We all get that step pretty fast.)
Then, understand her behaviour/running. Realize why (more or less). That brings about compassion and empathy. I think you are doing well in this as well.
All this allows one to let go their self need to be right, to control. To put aside their ego, even just temporarily, until being nonjudgemental becomes a core value, a belief. You likely have some inclination of the trauma(s) W suffered in her early years. Not an excuse for her, however a reason to find acceptance and forgiveness. Ask yourself, if you suffered the same, where would you’ve ended up? Fate, luck, whatever it is, you and I are on paths different than our respective spouse’s. Realize how blessed that is. Rather humbling. And should highlight the influence of one’e ego upon one’s perception.
Acceptance and forgiveness. Accepting does not mean condoning. Condoning is ignoring something morally wrong or offensive, to allow its continuation. From a few steps up, you realize the immorality of it, and you realize you cannot prevent it. You are not ignoring and allowing, for the continuation is solely up to W. That’s acceptance in a nutshell.
Forgiving is completely upon you. Nothing W can do will earn her forgiveness, in so much as you need to see some behaviour or hear some words before bestowing your forgiveness. That’s not how forgiveness works. In fact, you likely won’t (and probably shouldn’t) ever even tell her. You find it within yourself to let go the grudge and write paid in full upon the bill, and your actions will display such.
Your path is to place your focus elsewhere, a good place is upon yourself and kids; to live and love your life; and give W time and space. That doesn’t mean ignore W, more just let her to her path and journey, while you traverse your’s.
Fortunately, your two paths still interact. Becoming the best version of yourself, is awesome for you, and maximizes your chances of reconciling.
Have a great day Doug.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
