What to do 4

[BL42]

I think I've always known that I have anger issues, it was easier to justify being angry than to do something about it. My anger has always been an issue for W. I didn't express it towards her the way I do others, but it has still been a problem. Where I would get angry, yell, cuss, etc. at others I would keep it in and give her the silent treatment somehow thinking that was better. She is the type that thinks someone raising their voice a little indicates anger versus just being animated or excited. I have been much better since BD. I told myself then that I needed to change and have done a decent job. Far from perfect but better.

So this is a perfect example of the type of introspection which is critical for the LBS to make changes within themselves in order to be a better person and partner if the WAS/WS does come back.

MikeP it's totally normal and reasonable to be angry about OM, and you need to deal with and process that in a healthy positive way, but if you've always had anger issues even better the affair, than that's a perfect area for 180. First, stop the immediate term anger at W. It's going to take her a long time to believe the changes because you've acted that way for so long, but the sooner you start the change the better. Then address the longer term. Read materials, talk to IC...etc. to get to the root of it and fix it for good. You want to learn why you have those anger issues (something earlier in life?), learn how to better express your frustrations and disappointments...etc. so you don't get resentful or let it build, and finally learn how to process and deal with it in a healthy positive manner when it does come. Like I said, plenty of books and resources and IC can help.

And btw, passive-aggressive and silent treatment is a huge issue in a relationship - it's not just OK because you weren't yelling or screaming - you should read and learn about that too.

MikeP it sounds like you recognize this and have start to make steps to correct it. That is a good thing. It can be common for the LBS to gloss over areas of improvement and focus on the WAS/WS bad actions. If you're truly self-reflecting and willing to work on yourself you'll become a much better partner in the long run. And kudos to you if you do that.

Rob and Allen were pretty hard line guys. Their advice was pretty good for a particular situation...I think the issue from them that eventually got them both banned from here was the "browbeating" other posters into their way of thinking, too quickly.

Interesting. No idea they were banned - just figured they fell off over time. And yet they actually saved their marriages? Seems like it'd be good to have their advice around here.

I don't see you there just yet.

I agree. Can't compare MikeP directly to Rob and Allen, because I wasn't around to read the details of their sitches, but Mike's W is back and at least saying she wants to R. Even if OM is at work - which is a real threat - it's different (better?) than most here.

However, I am glad that you got something from them. What I got most from them was the "mindset" of what DBing looks like, and how quickly they got to that mindset.

The mindset thing is huge, and perhaps difficult to understand at first. Flipping the power, changing your mindset, act AS IF...etc. are REAL things, not just some made up psycho babble. The sooner newbies get into the "I'm the prize and I'm moving on in my own direction in life without them and it's going to be awesome and they'll be lucky to crawl back" mindset the better.