Absolutely! I always found reading your posts really helpful bttrfly.
thank you for saying that, Kind. I appreciate it. Yes, DB works even if it doesn't save your marriage, because it will save you.
DB allowed me to step out of the chaos my exh created during his MLC so that I could focus on what was most important to me, truthfully for the first time in a very long time. The time and space created by going inward and really thinking about what meant the most to me allowed me to re-define my core values. Obviously I cared about saving our marriage and my son meant everything to me, but the point is to put aside the marriage and the kids and delve deep inside yourself to think about what makes YOU tick. I'm so glad I took the time to do that, because everything flowed from that discovery. The most eye-opening thing I learned was that I really don't have much in common with people who aren't grateful for the many blessings life bestows, and unfortunately that included my husband.
I still stood for my marriage, hoping the angry, ungrateful MLC pod person who was in possession of my husband's body would leave and let the loving, kind and generous man I'd known for so long return to us. As time wore on, it became apparent that pod guy was here for the long haul.
I needed to live my life in alignment with the values I'd taken the time to uncover: honesty, loyalty, humor, fierce compassion, love and gratitude. I needed to be the lighthouse for my son, a safe and stable parent who was never going to leave for something more interesting on the horizon. I needed to embody my values so my son could learn what I felt was most important. I certainly didn't want him taking his father's example! And, I'll be honest, my hope and prayer was that my husband would realize what he was throwing away and come back.
Well, he didn't come back. I see today something I couldn't see in the middle of the mess: our values are really widely divergent. They weren't always so, but they are today. I love him but I have no respect for his choices or behavior. I may understand the drivers which brought him to crisis. I certainly feel fierce compassion towards him, but what he's done, said, how's he has behaved is not ok. There's a line. The line was about his treatment of our son, and his lack of ability or inclination to co-parent.
One of us crossed the Rubicon - I'm not sure which, nor does it much matter. There's only one direction to go in, and that's Forward. At least I'm doing so with a full understanding of my own core values.
Maybe that will resonate with someone.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
