H texted and followed up on our R talk from two days ago. I did not DB well in that R talk and want to get back on track.
(The first rule of the DB club is, you DO NOT talk about R. The second rule of the DB club is, you DO NOT talk about R!!!)
There are two parts to this communication: 1) Update on a bank transfer. (The R talk began because I asked for money for my moving costs—H previously said to tell him when I could use help).
2) Long, rambling message from H about his suffering.
The gist: It was good to talk to me (he said this during the R talk too—I didn't prompt it). He says I'm right in pointing out that he's unhappy, and our conversation made him feel even worse about himself. He feels terrible for kicking me out of my home (yes, he literally said "your home") and will feel bad about it for the rest of his life. He didn't do it to hurt me, he did it so he could pull away. When he thinks back on our arguments, which were infrequent, he often felt that he was in the wrong and felt guilty and that made him feel bad. He's not saying he wasn't in the wrong in those arguments, but he just doesn't want to feel bad. He doesn't want to feel worse than he already does and wants to protect himself; he's just trying to get by and is having a hard time. He repeatedly says that he's not saying he's in a worse place than I am. He hopes that some of what he's saying makes sense to me.
(No mention of the cheating lmao)
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Some reflections on his message (not going to incorporate any of this in my response, just thinking out loud):
Very uncharacteristically for him, the formatting and punctuation were sloppy.
He is very depressed and of course has some serious issues, which we already knew. Being in a real relationship makes him have to face his flaws and he can't handle it. I think he is forgetting that I also apologized for my [censored] during our arguments, too, and it wasn't all on him (probably more than 50% was, though, because he's very neurotic, would get angry over small things, tended raise his voice, and could be very sarcastic). He feels bad about how he treated me, but he didn't hurt me intentionally, it's just that he's in so much pain. He just wants to stuff all his crap deep inside and not have to deal with anything.
I feel only an abstract sympathy. It must be really horrible to feel the way he does. But he's dealing with it in a destructive way. He's so, so broken.
Also it is clear from this that, as everyone says, the OP really is a fantasy—apparently he hasn't had any arguments with her that have made him feel bad. But the fantasy still isn't making him happy.
Can I even trust anything he's saying? ("Believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do.")
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What to do?
I'm thinking that I will thank him for the update on the the bank transfer. Not sure how to respond to his message about his suffering though. Feels callous to only acknowledge the money stuff and not his suffering.
How is this: "I hear that you are in a lot of pain. It may be helpful to talk to a therapist."
How much support should I give to someone who is in an affair and wants to D me???
